Feldman Babies

It turned out perfect...again!

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 20:27:00 +0000

So the other night (Monday) I crawled into bed and said to Jon..."well...we've done something today that we never thought we'd have to do...again." We finally got the boys' headstone done and we placed it next to Emmalee's on Monday. It was bittersweet, but so nice to have it done. I had been feeling guilty that it wasn't out there yet...yes we had a the sweet marker that my mom and dad had made out there...but I needed their permanent stone to be out there. We had actually picked out the stone earlier in the summer but couldn't figure out what exactly we wanted on it...Emmalee's turned out so good and is so special to us and we wanted Owen and Cooper's to be the same way. I think it turned out perfect. Well...I'll let you be the judge:

After looking at my pictures I took I realize I don't have a real close up of the top so I'll tell you what it says....

On the top:

Loved for 19 minutes on earth by their mom and dad...forever in Eternity

In the middle:

Given and Returned

February 8, 2009

God is good...all the time

Bottom:

How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news. Romans 10:15b

Then under both of their names we put their little footprints! They are the exact size of their little feet. I still don't know how he did it (they took a copy of the footprints off their birth certificate...then they make a stencil or something and then blast the stone...so I guess I know a little about how they do it...I still don't know how they do it with something so tiny!) but it's awesome and I'm so glad that they are on there...Owen and Cooper's little feet were kind of their thing with us...ever since that ultrasound picture when both of their feet were together we fell in love with their tiny feet! And when they were born I couldn't believe how perfect those little feet were...and how Owen's feet looked EXACTLY like Jon's! On Emmalee's stone we put her picture but for some reason we really didn't want to put their picture on their stone...just didn't feel right...but then when I thought about trying to get their footprints on there it just felt right. I think their stone turned out perfect!

See the cute little bird bath we also got...it fits perfectly between the two stones...and I think it's so cool looking...there are always feathers in there so I think the birds like it too! (They had the birdbaths at the same place we got the stone bench and the guy knew what we were going to do with the bench and so he gave us the birdbath for free...wasn't that sweet of him!?!)

And here is the final shot...our nice little memorial to our kids...I think it looks so nice and has a nice flow to it. It will be nice to have a little bench out there to sit and reflect. I know I've said it before but it's just so peaceful out there...if we have to have plots somewhere I'm glad we are out there.

Well that's what's new for us...tying up loose ends...and it feels good. The last thing we had to do for the boys. And I've told God that we can leave the other two plots alone for now...those are for Jon and I and I think they can remain empty for awhile...will you help us in praying for that...that we don't have to fill them with any more of our kids...that we will be given children and that they can bury us someday (when we are old and gray) and not the other way around...thanks :) Well you take care and I'll keep you updated on anything new in our lives!

So...what do you think?

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 19:06:00 +0000

See how fancy I have become?!? Do you like the new look of the blog? I do...at least for now! Well I just thought I'd get on here and tweak it a bit today...I figure my kids deserve a cute blog! I think I'll keep tweaking in the weeks to come but for today...I'm done! Hope all is well for everyone! I'll leave you with a passage that has spoken to me through all of our trials...it's Psalm 20:

1. May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;

may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.

2. May he send you help from the sanctuary

and grant you support from Zion.

3. May he remember all your sacrifices

and accept your burnt offerings.

4. May he give you the desire of your heart

and make all your plans succeed.

5. We will shout for joy when you are victorious

and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.

May the Lord grant all your requests.

6. Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed;

he answers him from his holy heaven

with the saving power of his right hand.

7. Some trust in chariots and some in horses,

but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

8. They are brought to their knees and fall,

but we rise up and stand firm.

9. Oh Lord, save the king,

Answer us when we call.

Yes Lord, we trust in You! And we know that someday you will give us the desires of our heart. But we also thank you for letting us experience Emmalee, Owen and Cooper...they truly were amazing! Hope you all were as blessed by that passage as I have been...have a great week!

Two Little Sets of Feet

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 14:42:00 +0000

There should have been two little sets of feet in our house this fourth of July. There should have been two little sets of feet in a stroller as we pushed them to the parade. There should have been two little sets of feet, in two little car seats as we drove to my mom and dad's for dinner. And there should have been two little sets of feet in our arms as we watched the fireworks from on top of a hill out at Valley Grove. But there was not. The 4th proved to be kind of a hard day for us here at the Feldman house. I remember thinking last October when we found out that we were pregnant, and in fact having twins..."Yes!...I will finally have that stroller to push to the 4th of July parade!" Not kidding...I did seriously think that. Because while I do love parades...there is something about watching a kid at a parade that is way more fun...and I couldn't/can't wait to watch my own kids. And I know...the boys would not have been old enough to enjoy this 4th of July...but they would have still been here...and I would have still been enjoying them:) We decided not to go to the parade this year...not necessarily because the boys weren't here and I thought it would be hard, but basically because we decided to go to my mom and dad's house instead...and I think that was a good choice. I really don't think I would have enjoyed it much this year...who knows...maybe next year. :) We had a really good time at my parent's house...Uncle Doug and Aunt Suzi were there, Auntie Pearl was there, and Sam and Britt joined us as well. As always...too much food and too little room in my tummy...although it didn't stop me. My mom had recently gotten her scrapbook done that she had done for Emmalee...it was very sweet...she had put in her e-mails that she had written to people during Emmalee's time at the hospital...little updates...well that has served as a great recording of what happened...as I was sitting there reading them I had to stop...my stomach was just in knots and it was just sick...it took me right back to those days...and while they were with Emma, they were still very hard days. To watch your baby go through all that...to hear your doctor say that she is in very serious condition...to see your doctor look like he had just had a sharp blow to his stomach after realizing that she might not make it...it was a little too much to relive for the day. So I looked through the rest of the pictures and I'll have to save reading for another day. I know Jon felt the same way...and I think we were already having a hard enough day as it was...it just made us miss all our babies even more. We hung out at my parents until about 8 and then headed home. We decided to again watch the fireworks from Valley Grove...it is so neat up there....we actually saw about 8 different towns fireworks displays...obviously you could see Northfields the best but it was still cool to see the others...even if they were pretty small. And as I was walking out there...in the dark...I kept thinking to myself...I used to be scared of cemetery's and you for surely wouldn't have caught me in one at night. But there is something about the kids being out there (even though I do know that it is only their bodies and they are really in Heaven...I'm not crazy!) that makes it so much more peaceful. And then it was off to bed after that...one more holiday down with out the two little sets of feet.

But really...there should have been three little sets of feet...

(this is a picture I had my sister-in-law Britt do for Jon for Father's Day. It is God's hands holding all of them...Emmalee, Owen, and Cooper in Heaven and Jon here down on earth...I think she did a fabulous job...thanks Britt)

Due Date

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 22:00:00 +0000

The first question you usually ask your doctor when you find out you're pregnant is....when is my due date. When do I get to look forward to my little blessing being here. I remember finding out the the boys would be born right before Father's Day and thinking...cool...Jon will have kids by next Father's Day...I was so happy for him. Well, obviously we know what happened and it was not meant to be that Jon would be celebrating Sunday with two babies on his lap...it's been four months and 11 days since we held our little Owen and Cooper. Their due date kept looming in front of me...reminding me that I didn't have anything to look forward to. Some days though I am surprised at how fast this time has gone...God's grace again! My sister-in-law and I did go shopping today...in fact I just got back from our trip...it was a great way to take my mind off of today...sure we did go by the Carter's store...and yes I did go in to look and to buy a baby gift...and yes it's hard not to just buy something for "someday"...but I restrained and kept telling myself that they will still have cute stuff when I do get to buy it...someday:) On our way down I threw out the question of...I wonder if time would have gone this fast if I still would have been pregnant...or would it have dragged on because for one I would have been huge and two because you are just so looking forward to it that sometimes time seems to go so slow. Well I guess we'll never know but I do thank God that this time has gone relatively fast and that He is giving us the strength to walk through yet another valley in our lives....I am going to reach that mountain top one of these days:) In church on Sunday during our worship there were two songs that really touched me...one was Great is Thy Faithfulness and the other was You Alone...here are some of the lyrics:

You Alone

Verse 2

You have given me more

Than I could ever have wanted

And I want to give

You my heart

And my soul

Chorus

You alone are Father

And You alone are good

You alone are Savior

And You alone are God

Great Is Thy Faithfulness

Chorus

Great is Thy faithfulness.

Morning by morning new mercies I see.

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided.

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

Verse 3

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,

Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide.

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside.

And as I sang those words I got tears in my eyes...God has given me so much more than I could ever have wanted...He never said that He would give me kids (although I still hope He does) but even if He doesn't I know that He has blessed me greatly and I am so thankful to Him. And He is faithful...He said He will never leave us nor forsake us...and I can tell you honestly...He has not left us...if He had...we wouldn't be doing as well as we are. We are sad...yes...but we are not destroyed by grief. Thank you Jesus...thank you for giving us the strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow! Anyway...well when I started this post I had just gotten done shopping...then Jon came home and we went out to eat at a fancy restaurant...that was fun. Now it's off to relax on the couch and just enjoy being together. Thank you for all the prayers you said for us...I say it every time but every time I mean it...they helped a lot and we really appreciate them! Oh...by the way...we picked out the stone for Owen and Coopers marker at the grave...I'm not going to tell you anything about it until it's done...but let me just say...it's cool! Can't wait for you to see it, but you'll probably still have to wait a few weeks! I know...I'm mean...yes...I am a teaser:) Well I'll at least leave you with a few pictures from out at the cemetery. Enjoy:)

Here's our little plot...Jon planted a little tree right next to where the boys' stone will go...and as you can see...there's another wagon full of flowers:)

This time though is a Radio Missile wagon:)

So pretty...and my mom and dad again made a temporary marker for the boys until we get theirs done...it turned out really cute:)

Knecht's Nursery and Strese Tree moving donated three trees and their moving/planting to us in memory of the kids...we put them out at Valley Grove in the new part that they are going to make a cemetery some day...we can't wait to watch them grow. This one is Emmalee's tree...it's a Burr Oak...it should get to be a pretty cool looking tree...these pictures were taken right after they were planted...I'll have to get out there now and get some pictures of the now that they would have leaves on them:)

Here's Owen's tree...Owen and Cooper's trees are both Sugar Maples...but different kinds...we thought it be cool to get two trees the same yet different...since they were twins (fraternal twins) and all:)

Cooper's tree:)

And look what I caught in Cooper's tree...a blue bird!

I don't know why but I thought this was a cool picture of Jon...he's caring all his hose...I don't know how many hoses' we had to hook together to make it long enough to reach and water the trees in the field:)

April 23rd 2009

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Mon, 04 May 2009 18:59:00 +0000

It was Emmalee's Heavenly Birthday...probably her most important birthday! Sorry I haven't had time to get on here and post lately...it just seems like life has been so crazy this past month. I wonder if every April will feel this way? Anyway...just a little recap for you all on what we did on April 23rd. We started out the day by going down to Rochester and getting cinnamon rolls from Daube's Bakery. If you've never had one of their cinnamon rolls I suggest that you stop what you are doing right now and go an get one. Well...maybe that's not realistic (and after all what you're doing right now is reading my blog) but I do recommend if you are ever in Rochester that you stop there and get yourself one. I don't think you'll be disappointed. After that we had a few errands to run and then we went to Sam's Club to pick up cupcakes so that we could bring those up to the doctors and nurses in the NICU and Heart Unit. Then it was on to our big event of the day...we had called a few of the nurses to see if they would want to meet us for lunch at Canadian Honkers...and guess what...some of them did! Actually more of them wanted to come but they had to work! We were so excited to see them again...we are so thankful that Emmalee had such great people taking care of her and we will forever be grateful to them and grateful to God for allowing us to go through this so we could meet all these wonderful folks! After lunch...which lasted 2 hours!...we went over to Mayo and first walked in the garden...we sat on the same bench that one year and a day ago I sat there and told Jon that there was no way I could plan a funeral for my daughter and I certainly couldn't sit through a funeral service for her (that was one my rationalization to God as to why He couldn't let Emmalee die...I thought it was a good one...but as we know He saw fit to take her Home and He proved to me that He would be with me). Well as we all know, God gives us the strength to get through what we need to and He proved Himself to me. I got through it...and 10 months later I did it again. And looking back I still marvel at how strong I was...God is good all the time. We didn't sit on that bench for too long, as it was in the shade and the other one in the sun was way more appealing, but we did sit in the park for awhile and just talk. It was nice. Then we took the treats, as well as some beautiful and sweet blankets that my mom made for other babies that will have to be in the NICU or Mary Brigh 5B (the heart unit), up to the units in the hospital...we got to see a few more of the special nurses that helped take care of our sweet baby girl and then we left Mayo (St. Mary's). I always hate leaving there 'cause I feel like I'm leaving Emmalee's place. Since she never got to come home with us I always feel a special connection to the Mayo and I know Jon feels it too. We always look up to the window where her room was...even though we never really took the time to look out of it while she was there....but to us that's her room and I think we'll always look up at it. The rest of the day we just hung out, got some DQ, and watched Survivor. It was a good day. Here are the pictures from our time at Canadian Honkers (another place you should definitely try...their beef stew was one of the only things Jon could eat that actually tasted good to him while Emmalee was in the hospital):

Jon with Connie (in the blue) and Breanna. These two ladies took care of Emmalee when she was in the NICU. They even came up to visit her after her heart surgery. We love them!

Me with Lori (in the middle) and Becky. Lori was Emmalee's nurse in the heart unit and was definitely a strong lady for us to lean on! She was there for us so much and we love her to death! She's the one who convinced the rest of the staff to let us hold Emmalee while she passed away...she made it happen. Thank you Lori! Becky is actually Lori's niece and she works in the NICU. She was never actually one of Emma's nurses but she did help out from time to time and even helped Breanna decorate her room up in the heart unit!

The group picture! The only thing better would have been a high chair sitting at the end of the table!

Thanks for taking the time to read our blog and thanks for keeping us in your prayers. We still can't believe that a year has gone by. One more thing...since it has been a year now I think that I am going to change this blog over to one for Emmalee, Owen and Cooper. I had created the other blog to update you all on what is going on in our lives and just every day kind of stuff. I hate that that one had to become a "sad" blog as well. So I'm going to dedicate this blog to all of our "Feldman Baby(s)" and keep the Feldman Crew blog as our everyday blog (not that I will post everyday...come on...you know me better than that!). But I do love having a place to write about our babies and what I am learning through it all...so I will do that here. Thank you all again.

April 23rd

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 12:56:00 +0000

Well we made it past one year. I don't have time to post right now about what we did to celebrate Emmalee's one year in Heaven (so I will do that at a later date) but I just wanted to get on here and say thank you to you all for your prayers and kind thoughts for us yesterday. We definitely felt covered because yesterday wasn't a sad day for us. There were plenty of moments for tears and yet there were none. And that did feel good. We had a very good day, being husband and wife and remembering our sweet girl. And as I thought about it I thought...okay we've survived one year...I wonder how many more "years" we will have...

Did you find one of our balloons?

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 00:38:00 +0000

If so we'd love to hear where you found it! Please leave a comment for us! Thanks!

Emmalee's Party

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 23:24:00 +0000

Well...Friday proved to be a very good day! I think the anticipation of the day was harder than actually facing the day itself. Oh...there were a lot of tears...don't get me wrong...but neither of us were a blubbering mess. But...even if we were...could you blame us?! Anyway...I will just say it again. I can't believe that a year has gone by. I don't know how it went so fast. It seems like I just started the grieving process for my baby and now it's been a year. I guess this just proves that the grieving process can last for a while. A day still does not go by that I don't think of her...that amazes me...and I am being totally serious...not one day. It's not an all day thing but all of a sudden...there she is...I can picture her...what a cute baby she was:) Anyway...I'll give you a run down of what we did to celebrate Emmalee on what would have been her one year birthday. You can also check out her Auntie Britt's blog, as she wrote a very nice post about our celebration. So Jon and I woke up that morning and laid in bed and just talked about how our lives would have been so different had Emmalee still been with us. I know I mentioned it before, but Jon's comment was..."it's too quiet in this house to be celebrating a one year old's birthday today"...and it's true...it was too quiet. I think most of our tears came at this time...and truth be told...the night before. We decided against watching her video, as it just seemed too hard to do and we were trying to just get through the day...it's a lot easier to just look at pictures where she is still then to watch a video and see the life that she had in her...does that make sense? So we decided to get up...and go get some breakfast from the Tavern (which is a restaurant in Northfield for those of you who don't live around here). We ran into a couple we knew and had a wonderful time chatting with them. Then we took a stroll through Northfield and stopped in a few shops and then it was back home for us. We spent the remainder of the morning and early afternoon cleaning and getting ready for everyone to come over for a barbecue that evening. And of course...I had to make a cake! Well at 4:30 we headed out to the cemetery and all of our family met us out there. Jon has bought himself a huge kite to fly this spring and so we thought it would be fun to get a bunch more kites and have a time of flying kites together...and it was fun! I think everyone liked it. And I liked taking pictures of all my nieces and nephews getting into the fun. Then we did a balloon release...I had gotten pink and white balloons (thanks mom and dad for picking them up) and had printed off messages to tie to the strings...and if they wanted to I had markers out there in case they wanted to write their own messages...the kids drew some cute pictures for Emmalee to see. Then we all let them go at the same time...well...almost....my nephew Logan let his go early...poor kid...he looked like he could cry but he was trying not too...and then my nephew Jack didn't want to let his go...he wanted to keep it:) It was really fun to watch them go until you couldn't see them any longer. Then we just came back to our house...started a fire...fired up the grill...and had food and lots of fun. It really was a nice day of celebrating Emma. Then on Saturday we (my family and Matt, Chris and kids) took a meal down to the Ronald McDonald House in Rochester and fed the families there. It was hard to believe that a year ago we were the ones receiving the meal. It always feels good to give back! They told us to plan for 25-30...well...I think we had over 50! Good thing I always over prepare! It came in handy this time! Not too many leftovers this time around! And then Easter was on Sunday and we spent that with both of our families at the Feldman's. So it was a good weekend...a busy weekend. I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally, on Monday. Well...I guess that's all I have for now...I'll leave you with some pictures of Emmalee's Day.

The Cakes!

How high are they?!?

Jon's new kite! Isn't it pretty!

Uncle Jon trying to get their kite to fly.

Jack and I

Ready

Set

Off they go!

Can you still see them?

All the kids with Emmalee

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 18:35:00 +0000

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday our dearest Emmalee

Happy Birthday to you!

I'm sure the angels sing it much better than we do baby girl but we just wanted you to know how much we love you and miss you! We are celebrating your life today and so wish you could be here. Daddy and I layed in bed this morning and he said to me..."this house to too quite to be celebrating a one year old's birthday"...it saddens us that you aren't here to celebrate...to see the cake I'm making...or for us to give you your birthday spankings (and a pinch to grow an inch). But...we are rejoicing for you because you are in a wonderful place and you are fully healed and I'm sure you are having the best birthday...better than any party we could ever throw you! Hopefully your brothers are behaving themselves and not blowing out your candle before you get to! Your cousins are going to be sending you up balloons today with messages and pictures on them for you to see...hopefully they get to you! (Although I'm not crazy and I know they truly will not make it to Heaven...we just thought it would be fun for them to do.) Well...just know how much we love you and how much we miss you! You will forever be our little Emmalee and April 10th will forever be your day! Happy Birthday!
We love you!
Mommy and Daddy

P.S. God -- will you please give our baby girl a hug and kiss from us. Thank you! And thank you for giving us a reason to celebrate. Even if she could not stay here with us we just thank you for her life and all that she means to us. Thank you for watching over us this past year and thank you for taking care of our kids for us...your love is amazing!

Monday was 11 Months in Heaven

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 17:45:00 +0000

Well, we've passed the 11 months in Heaven mark for Emmalee. Still can't believe it. Here we go...heading for the one year mark! Wow. Please be in prayer for us as we head in this direction. Jon and I were talking the other night about how last year at this time we were preparing for our new little bundle of joy to arrive. How he was so antsy for him or her to get here. I can't believe that was only a year ago...I feel like so much has happened to us in a year that it can't seem possible for it only to be a year...and yet...it's been a year? How can that be...time has gone so fast. Two totally different reactions and yet I feel them both. Well...here we go.

11 Months

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 12:52:00 +0000

Raise your hand if you can believe Emmalee would have been 11 months old already!! These months keep ticking by! Jon called me on Tuesday (the day Emmalee would have been 11 months) and asked me if I could believe it had been 11 months already...and my answer...no! I can't believe it. Which I told him was probably a good thing. That means time is still going by and we are healing...at least the days don't drag on...at least time is moving...getting us one day closer to reuniting with her and Owen and Cooper. Some day my arms will be full! Until then they still ache. After the boys died I missed her so badly! I just wanted Emmalee to hold. I don't really know why that is...after all...shouldn't I be missing them. But yet again...I had just seen them and had just said good-bye to them. At that time it had been 10 months since I had seen Emmalee and I just wanted her. Also, I think we had more time to bond with her...she was with us for 18,445 minutes more than the boys were. Anyway...all that to say that I miss her...we miss her. Life will never be the same for us. It will be richer because she has graced our lives but there will always be a piece missing...a piece we will forever miss and grieve for. But glory be to God that He has been a constant strength and comfort to us. He may have let us go down this road but He has not left us to go it alone. He is writing a story here and I'm glad to be one of the characters. He is shaping us to be the people He wants us to be. Stronger people with more love to give to others. Hopefully He sees fit for us to become parents again. We would like that. Well I hope you all have a blessed day. Thanks for being with us these past 11 months. And Happy 11 Month Birthday Emmalee. Have some cake for me!

10 Months in Heaven

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 19:36:00 +0000

I wonder what that would be like...probably seems like a second to you but to us down here it seems like such a long time. We miss you baby girl. That statement will always be true. Until our glorious reunion with you and your brothers...
We love you!
Mommy and Daddy

Happy 10 Months

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 13:57:00 +0000

Happy Birthday Baby Girl! I can't believe today that you would have been 10 months old! I know you're going to have a real special birthday today...especially since your brothers are with you to celebrate! That must have been one reason God wanted them on Sunday...for you! We miss you guys so much...more than words can even express. Our hearts ache and we cry for you, but don't worry about us...we will be fine. We know you're in a great place...we can't wait to celebrate all your birthdays with you...together...one big happy family! Now be nice to your little brothers...they are pretty little! But I do have feeling that they will give you a run for your money! Daddy said he could just picture you last night...all three of you snuggled up together...I like that thought. Now make sure you tell God that we need more sibling for you three...but make sure he knows we want to keep them down here on earth! We'll let them join you (and us) when they are old and gray! Again...Happy Birthday Emmalee. I'm so glad to be your mommy!

Love,
Mommy

Playmates in Heaven

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 00:02:00 +0000

I just wanted you all to know that Emmalee's little brothers joined her in Heaven today. Owen Timothy and Cooper James were born at only 21 weeks...they lived for 19 beautiful minutes each. We are sad and heavy hearted...for more info check out: http://www.feldmancrew.blogspot.com/

9 Months

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 23:27:00 +0000

Well we made it past the 9 month mark...can you believe it! I know I write that every time but I still can't believe how gracious God has been to us to let us grieve and yet go on with our lives and let the time pass. On the 23rd, our friends, Darin and Tanya, were actually here so that helped us not to linger on the fact that our little girl had been gone for 9 months. We were actually down at Rochester showing Darin and Tanya around the town and the complex they call Mayo...I know...we know how to entertain our guests don't we?!?! But we do think that place is truly amazing and we found the museum in the Mayo building so that was kinda fun to see. And we took them to the chapel at St. Mary's...if you haven't seen it yet, you do need to go...it's truly a work of art and it is so beautiful! Anyway...we are doing good. Having these babies on the way makes it a little easier, which is what we were hoping for. It was either going to make it harder or easier...I'm glad it's the latter...not that they will ever replace Emma, but they will give us a reason to celebrate and a reason to get up in the morning and they will be a constant reminder to us of their sister...every milestone they have I'm sure I'll wonder if that's how Emma would have done it or if that's how old she would have been when she started to do that. And now that these babes are starting to move more it reminds me of her again. That first excitement of feeling your baby move inside of you...you can't even describe how wonderful it feels! And just feeling them reminds me of how I would look forward to her every move...especially in the end 'cause I knew she was safe and that she was okay. Jon and I were just saying the other day...we can't believe that April is coming up so fast. We still don't know what we will do to mark the one year anniversary or her birthday...but whatever it is it will be special. Well I will let you all go for now...I just wanted to make sure I wrote as I have not written on here for awhile...I'm sorry for that! Take care and we'll talk again! ~Ali

Here's to 2009!

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 16:03:00 +0000

As I said on the other blog...I can not believe that we are on the last day of 2008! Sometimes I'm tempted to say...well good riddance to 2008...but then I think...no...this was a great year. Sure it was filled with a lot of sadness and feelings that I wish I didn't have to feel...but 2008 also brought me my beautiful daughter and the experience to be a mom! And I wouldn't trade that for the world! This year was the year that Jon and I were suppose to have. I can't believe all that has come out of this year! A lot of growing was done. And God is giving us a happy ending to the year...so far everything seems to be going good with the twins...He's giving us the hope that we needed. Thank you to all of you who have been on this journey with us...I know I thank you a lot but I just want you all to know that we truly do appreciate you! Sorry that I didn't blog more during Christmas...it just seemed to get so busy...and then I didn't really feel like it...and then our Internet went down! But thank you to all who checked on us to see how this Christmas went...it wasn't as bad as I thought it could have been...it must have been all your prayers for us that guarded us! There were some times that were hard...like when all the kids at the Feldman's were opening up their present...you couldn't help but think that Emmalee should have been there. And then on Christmas Eve we went out to Valley Grove (where Emmalee is buried) and attended their service out there, just so we could be close to her and feel like we spent Christmas with her...even though that's only her body there...it just felt good to be close...but I bet she had the best Christmas ever...after all...she's spending it with the Christ Child in person...she may not have gotten to sit on Santa's lap but I think Jesus' lap would be much more comfortable! I'm so happy for her! Well I just want to wish you all a Happy New Year! I hope you all have a wonderful 2009...full of lots of happy moments! And I just want to encourage you all to be praying for all the other moms and dads out there who have lost children this year...being in this new "club" you realize how many people have lost babies and children...and my heart aches for them. Thank you for lifting them up as well! Until next time...

I couldn't figure it out

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 01:27:00 +0000

I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so weepy today....then I remembered that it would have been Emmalee's 8 month birthday. Wow...I still can't believe that! (And on a side note...today on my soap...I know...it's bad to watch them...it's my dirty little secret...I catch up on them when I am actually at home during the day...anyway...today on my soap they had to have a funeral for a little baby...I thought that was so unfair...it brought on so many tears!) Actually this whole week I have felt weepy and I'm sure some of that has to do with my raging hormones right now with these two little blessings inside of me! Truly a gift...as was Emmalee. She did give us all a gift, as most of you have told me how much her story has meant to you...her story seems to hit everyone a little different...hits you right where you are at. To me...that is truly a miracle. It still amazes me that God can use our circumstances to help others with theirs. Anyway...I just wanted to touch base with all of you. This Christmas season I think is going to be hard on me (and Jon for that matter)...like I've said before...all the first are hard. I think I'm going to be a little bit weepier...and I know I already feel like a Scrooge. I don't know what's up with me but I just can not get into the Christmas spirit! Isn't that awful! I think so. Part of it I think is losing Emmalee...the other is the miracles growing inside of me...they are making me awfully exhausted! Well I hope you all are enjoying the Christmas Season...it is getting really beautiful here in MN with all the snow we've been getting. And I'm very thankful for Christmas and for being able to celebrate Christ's birth. For with out that...I wouldn't have the assurance that my little girl is in Heaven and that someday I will get to see her again. Thank you Lord for sending your Son down to Earth for us...to die for our sins and be able to live with you in paradise someday...I thank you that you know my hurt, after all, your Son had to die as well...and I thank you for being there for us...all of us...ready to meet us where we are at. Have a wonderful Christmas everyone! Oh...and we took a tree out to Emmalee's grave...we decorated it the other night...I think it looks cute! We thought it'd be kind of a fun tradition for our family to decorate a tree for Emmalee every year. I also bought some solar powered lights...they hadn't charged yet so I think we are going to go out tomorrow night to see if they actually work...if not....they are going back to Target...those things were expensive! Well...I hope you like Emmalee's First Christmas Tree!

Love~
Ali

New Blog

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 22:26:00 +0000

Just a quick update for you all...I have created a new blog...I just didn't want to use this blog for updating you all on other happenings in our lives...this has come to be Emmalee's blog and it will stay that way. So here's our new address:

feldmancrew.blogspot.com

Feel free to go and check it out! Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. We sure did! And I didn't even stuff myself too full! Have a great week!

Strength Will Rise

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 14:47:00 +0000

Hi all! Sorry...time has gotten away from me as we approach Thanksgiving...and I thought I'd write today because I know tomorrow will be busy! Work has been very busy, which is always a blessing, but then I just come home and crash...I didn't know I could be such a couch potato! Anyway...last week I think it was I heard a song on the radio that instantly brought me back to our time in the hospital with Emmalee. As you may recall, the Thursday that Emmalee had her surgery they made us stay the night in the hospital...looking back I know it was because they didn't think she'd make it through the night and they wanted us there so we'd be able to say good-bye. Well, she did make it through and the next morning they told us to go back to the Ronald House and get cleaned up, take a nap (since sleep didn't come very easy that night...they stuck us in a small room, with no windows and I felt like the walls could come in at any moment...I didn't want the lights shut off all the way 'cause it was so dark in there...I'm not afraid of the dark but that night I think I might have been...I actually think I was having small panic attacks that night...I didn't want Jon to leave me...if I fell asleep I made him promise to wake me up if he was going to go anywhere...I did not want to wake up and find him not there...he was a good husband and did just that for me...he's so good to me), and get something to eat. I remember Jon and I getting into the elevator and us both saying..."Man...we stink!"...and then going down to the underground parking garage. Your radio doesn't work down there, but as we came up the ramp and into the sunlight, this is the song that was playing:

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

Wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever

Our hope, our Strong Deliverer

You are the everlasting God

The everlasting God

You do not faint

You won’t grow weary

You’re the defender of the weak

You comfort those in need

You lift us up on wings like eagles

And I think for the first time I realized that God was going to give us that strength...He was going to prove that He is enough...and He gives us the strength as we wait upon Him. I know I've said it time and time again...but I did feel like I had been given this supernatural strength that I don't know where it would have come from if not from God. And I like the last part of the song...we were faint and we were weary...but that's okay...because He doesn't get that way...we need to just lean on Him...He will carry us...and He was the defender of the weak...He took Emmalee Home to be with Him where she is not weak anymore...and He has brought us much comfort. Wow...what a song...who knew that it could fit our story so well...now that is totally a God thing! Well I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! We have much to be thankful for...and while this first Thanksgiving I know will be hard, we are able to look back at this year and find that God has given us so much and Emmalee's story is still reaching people, and I find that to be a true blessing! He gave us an incredible little girl...thanks be to God! He is good...all the time! Happy Thanksgiving!

7 Months

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 04:03:00 +0000

I still can't believe it every time I write another number in front of the word months...seven this time. Can it really be that long ago? I guess that's a good sign...life is going good in spite of our loss. Time does make it more manageable...and God does that as well. Although on Sunday we had to sing the gives and takes away song...tears almost always come when I sing that song...sometimes I wish we'd quite singing it...but the words are good and I find it's good to cry. Anyway...as I was reading my Bible this week I've been focusing on Romans 8. If you've never read Romans I would highly encourage it...there is so much good stuff in this book. But starting with verse 28 and continuing to the end of the chapter it is titled More Than Conquerors. And although I've read these verses before they took on a whole new meaning for me this week. Verse 28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." In all things...good...can I really say that. Well...yes I can. I have seen so many good changes in people and heard so many stories that yes...although we have experienced pain and wish she was here with us, God has used this time for good. Then 35 & 37 say this, "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?" "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." Wow...I like that. I can see that through times like these people might be tempted to blame God...I know people who do...but thankfully He is right there for us...with his love...I picture him standing there with arms wide open, waiting to hold us. And I am very thankful for the people he sends into our live to actually give us that physical touch...to hold us when we cry and grieve with us. That is His love...in human form. Well I might as well finish out the chapter, although I do hope some of you can take the time to read through this and ponder it in your own lives. Verse 38-39 "For I am convince that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Emmalee is experiencing his love through her death...she is the lucky one being able to be in the very presence of our God. We all have to wait a while to get there. But none of us know when that will be...maybe tomorrow...or next week...or in another 100 years...so it's nice to know that even in life we can feel that same love...I also just want to encourage you if you do not know for certain that when you die you will go to Heaven and experience this great love for yourself in the presence of God, please do turn to him and ask him to become your Lord and Savior. It's really that easy...if you ever need anyone to talk to I am always here...contact me. I know that He is real...His comfort is real...His love is real. I would not be where I am today if He was not. I'll get off my soap box now. On another side note...we are going to a memorial service down at Mayo this weekend for all the families that have lost children this year. I just got an e-mail with some info on the events of the weekend and I counted 22 names on the e-mail list. Please just be in prayer for us during this time. I think it's going to be hard...but good. It will be real good connecting with these other families and hearing their stories. But I'm sure there will be plenty of tears...I'll pack my Kleenex's! I hope you all have a wonderful week...sorry I didn't post last week...didn't have much to say I guess! (Surprising huh!)
~Ali

Emmalee's name in print

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 02:42:00 +0000

So this last week we received in the mail our copy of the Ronald McDonald House newsletter. It's such a nice newsletter...full color...glossy...like a little magazine. I really enjoy receiving it and learning what's going on there and to read the stories about the little ones who do have success stories. I think this must be a quarterly thing for them to send out...since we've only received one other one. Well this newsletter turns out to have a little more meaning for us. First of all, when I got the page of donations made there was Emmalee's name...thank you to all of you who have donated to the Ronald McDonald House in our sweet little girls name. It means so much to us to have her honored in this way. The House was so good to us and a much needed retreat from the hospital...we definitely count the House as one of our top charities to give to. And then I saw the next page...it was a page listing all the angels who had gotten their wings from March 1, 2008 - July 31, 2008...and there was Emmalee Feldman listed at the top. Oh the tears streamed down...the heart wrenching pain started...just more of a reality check to me that I have a daughter that is no longer with me. Thank goodness I do know where she is at but it is still hard! The other sad part was reading through the rest of the names...there were 7 total. Seven families...seven mom's and dad's...who are going through the same thing we are. I grieve for them knowing how hard it is. I wish I could take all their pain away from them! But I can't...I can just pray for them. Pray that God would surround them with His love and that they will know the comfort of the Great One. I hope all of you will someday feel that love, if you haven't already, that Jon and I have felt. Losing a child is not easy...but with God we are making it through and we have had many brighter days because we know Him. Take care this week...keep collecting your pop tabs...every little one helps the Ronald McDonald House with its mission! And give all your kids a big hug and kiss! Thank you!

Six Months with Jesus

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 13:56:00 +0000

I decided to post today instead of yesterday since today is the six month anniversary of Emmalee's homecoming...six months ago at 12 noon Emmalee went to meet Jesus...and she's been completely healed since then! How awesome is that. But I know today will be kinda hard for Jon and I...so at noon...if you read this today...please send up a quick prayer for us. I'm thankful that we will both be at work today...it makes it easier when we are busy. Yesterday was so gloomy out that it was a pretty good day of reflecting...just looking at her picture...what a cute little thing:) Anyway...I'm just rambling now. This six month mark is kinda surreal. At this point I was thinking that she would have had her 2nd surgery...she would have been close to coming home, if not home already, and we would have had some time with her before having another surgery because that one would have been between the ages of 2-3. But even that wouldn't have been a guarantee...she might not have survived the 2nd surgery...or the third...and from some blogs I've read...she could have developed major infections and had something completely different to deal with. So I rejoice today that my sweet baby girl does not have to endure any of that...yes...to be selfish I would say...well we could deal with that...at least we'd have Emmalee here with us...but to be completely unselfish I'm so glad that God knows what is best for each and every one of us and he chose to have Emmalee come and sit on His lap instead of mine. Well, thanks for letting me take a little time to reflect. I hope you all have a wonderful October 23!

Half a year

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 20:49:00 +0000

Can you believe that last Friday marked a half a year since Emmalee was born! I know I can't! And I'm glad that I can say that time has really flown by! We're coming up to the 6th month anniversary of her death, which I'm sure will be hard, but I'll be glad to celebrate her life as well. Wow...6 months. I was with my friends from college this last weekend and my friend Kelli had her baby, Bekah, there and she was born on April 13th, so it was kinda interesting to see a little of what Emmalee would have been doing. Actually...right about now she probably would have been recovering from her second surgery...one I'm glad she'll never have to have. People tell you time heals everything...and I think that to be true...but yet, sometimes I don't think there has been enough time yet...and maybe there never will be. I found it interesting the other day...I was showing my girlfriends the scrapbook that I had made for Emmalee and people have asked me...was that hard to make? And my answer is no...it was fun. But I think I just discovered the reason why it hasn't been so hard...she's not moving in the pictures. Now you may say...well duh Ali...but here me out. When she's in the pictures, to me, she doesn't have life...she has life in the pictures yes...but she somehow doesn't seem real to me. Now when I showed them the video of Emmalee...oh...the tears came...I had this emotion rise up in me that made me just want to sit on the floor and sob (I didn't but I wanted to)...that's when it hit me...I can look at her picture and be fine...because I realize she is dead and that was just her earthly body and she is healed and complete in Heaven...having full life up there. But when I see the video...I am reminded that she was here...with me...full of life...looking at us with those beautiful eyes...sticking her tongue out because she doesn't like the tubes...and getting little crying faces and not making a sound...yep...it's when I see her like that I think all over again...why why why...but I will know someday...her life had and is still serving a purpose...and I'm going to see all that again someday. Yea!!!!!!!!! Well I'll talk to you all later!

Oh...one more thing...my friends signed me up for Facebook...still don't know what I'm really doing on there but if you want to check me out or add me as a friend...I'm there.

Things are good

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 13:38:00 +0000

Hi everyone! Sorry I didn't post yesterday....kinda forgot! I guess that's a good thing though...it means we are doing good and life is going good, which is such a blessing! I guess all your prayers must be working! So nothing new to report...sorry to bore you all! I've been thinking of maybe starting a new blog...one where I can share other things that are happening in our lives (like how I saw New Kids On The Block when they were at the Mall of America...there mom...I put it on here:) She asked me why I didn't put that on my blog and I said...well...'cause it's Emmalee's blog so I can't put stuff on there like that...by the way...it was fun seeing them...it brought back old memories from 4th grade!). I kinda feel like this is just Emmalee's blog and I can't post anything else on it except for stuff that pertains to her...maybe that's silly...but I want her to have this one all to herself. I'll probably still post my feelings on here from time to time but feel like maybe I've aired it all out here and I'm good right now so I don't need to right now...at least not every week...the days from the 10th - 23rd I'm sure I'll have something on here...those days are always hard. Anyway...now I'm just babbling and talking (typing) out loud. So I'll see about that new blog...something for me to think about. I'm going to be leaving next Wednesday for a get together in IN with some of my girlfriends from college so I will be MIA...but I'll be back the next Wednesday...and I'll let you all know how that new blog comes together...or if it does:) You all have a good week...thanks for checking in on me!

Afternoon at Valley Grove

noreply@blogger.com (Baby Feldman) — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 13:40:00 +0000

Well I do have to say that this week was pretty uneventful. What should have been a really hard day on Tuesday, was not so bad. I was at work all day and I was really busy so that helps. On Sunday we went out to Valley Grove (where Emma is buried) because they were having a Country Social! It was so fun! They had both churches open and they had horse and wagon rides for the kids (and adults!)...there were some musical groups there putting on shows and they had refreshments...I think they do this every year so we're excited to go back next year! Valley Grove obviously holds a special place in our lives now so it's fun to go to the events that they have there...I guess they have a wonderful Christmas Eve service out there so I think we are going to try to go to that as well. While we were out there we had lots of people commenting on Emma's rock...so it was nice to hear that plus be able to make a connection to other people. I think it was the first time for some of our nieces and nephews to see the rock with her picture on it...it's carved in granite, as I said before, and so therefore it's shinny and smooth...they just kept rubbing it...I told Jon that poor Emmalee is going to get rubbed right off of there or rubbed even more shinny! But that's okay....I'm glad they like to touch her face and make a connection with her. Our niece Julia was so cute...when asked who was in the picture she got a real squeal to her voice and said, "that's Emmwawee!" (I tried to type it how it sounded...it was too cute...too bad you all couldn't have heard it). Well then my mother-in-law said, "well you heard what she said when we came out here to place Emma's rock, didn't you?" And of course my answer was no because had I heard this before it would have already been on this blog! Well that day they walked out there and Julia goes right up to the place where Emmalee was buried and said "Nana, where's Emmalee. I saw Jon put her in the ground right there...where is she?" I guess they must have told her that we were going out to see Emmalee and she wanted to see her. It amazes me what kids do or think or say! Too cute. Well I guess that's all I have for you now...sorry it's Thursday before I get this posted...yesterday just seemed to get away from me! I'll talk to you all later!