Feldman Babies

April 23, 2011

2011-04-23T23:37:00.003-05:00

Oh my dear Emmalee...you've been gone from us for 3 years now. I still can't believe it. I have so much to say and I am so tired tonight. We celebrated your life all day today and talked about what we were doing 3 years ago...and we reflected on all the memories we made with you. You are always in our hearts and always on our minds...we miss you sweet baby girl...Heaven was already a wonderful place but now that you are there I long for it even more :) I'll write more later on all that we did today and all the emotions that went into it...but for now I am tired and I got to get ready for bed...tomorrow is Easter...and I can't believe that you get to spend the day with the King of Kings...

I love you...and always will!
Mommy

My Dearest Emmalee:

2011-04-10T06:06:00.003-05:00

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl! I'm pretty sure that I was up this early the day of your birth too...if not even earlier. Just knowing you were coming was enough to make it hard to sleep...let alone the fact that I was huge and uncomfortable :) Oh Em, how I miss you so. You would have been 3 today...I can't believe that. It seems like it's gone so fast and so slow all at the same time. I woke up this morning with such a heavy chest...I had a dream we were back in the hospital but this time we were just there to visit and someone else was losing their baby...and I knew exactly how they felt...and when I woke up my chest hurt so bad...I must have been really tense while I was dreaming it...and then the tears came...and they are still coming. Three years is a lot of time and a lot of healing has been done, but three years is also so short and the hurt is still there...I can't wait to see you in Heaven so I can see what you would have looked like...what you would have sounded like...what your personality would have been like. I bet you would have been really sweet with a streak of stubbornness in you :) A good mix of your momma and daddy! hahaha! Just kidding! But wait I will and that time will go fast I'm sure...and Em...as much as I miss you I'm so glad that you are up there and that you are perfect and healed...I really think that your life here would have been so hard and so filled with trips to the doctor and hospital to have more surgeries...and I'm so glad that you don't have to worry about that...'cause can I tell you a secret...your momma is a worrier...I know that we are not suppose to be and I really try hard not to but worry is definitely one of my downfalls...and I was so worried that you would be 10 years old and that you would be worried about your heart all the time...worried that it would give out on you (and now from what I've read, heart transplants aren't out of the question for kids with hypoplastic left hearts...as they get older a lot of them end up needing them)...and I didn't want that for you...I wanted you to live your life without worries...without a care in the world...and even though I would wish you back in a heartbeat...it does me good knowing that you never for one second had to worry in your life...because worrying is a bad feeling. And it does me good knowing that you have lots of friends and family up there to play with...we've lost a lot of good people in the 3 years that you've been gone and every time I wonder..."have they met Emmalee yet?"...and I also bet that you are doing a good job keeping your brothers in line too...make sure to give Owen and Cooper a big hug from mommy and daddy. Well my sweet girl I better wrap up this letter. I just wanted to write and tell you how much I miss you. And to let you know that you are never far from my mind. Three years ago was one of the happiest days of my life...when you entered it at 3:16 p.m. my whole life change...in a good way. You've touched a lot of peoples lives little girl and I know there are many waiting to meet you some day. We are going to celebrate your life again today by flying our kites and releasing our balloons...if you get a second you might want to look down and see...it will be pretty...but I know you are probably having too good of a time up there to check in on us :) Happy Birthday again my sweet Emmalee...you are loved!

Love

Mommy (and Daddy and Natalee)

This was you...all fresh and new. This is one of my favorite (well they are all my favorite) pictures of you...it was the first time I really got to see you because after I pushed you out they said "open your eyes" and so I did and they held you up real quick and then they were taking you out of the room already...you were so beautiful even with the goop still on your head...and little did we know at the time this picture was taken what the next 13 days would hold...which is a good thing...right here in this picture was bliss...after this the roller coaster ride started...but I love in this picture how you looked like you were saying "hi dad...I'm here!" So sweet Emmalee. We love you.

To: My Sweet Boys

2011-02-08T09:03:00.004-06:00

It doesn't seem possible that 2 years ago today I said hello and good-bye to you all in a very short 38 minutes total. I can't even put into words how I even feel about that. Those 19 minutes that I had with each of you has left me with a lifetime of memories...not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wonder what you would have looked like, what you would be doing now, what your personality would have been like, what my house would have looked like with 2 trouble makers running around, how different our lives would have been...I could go on and on and on...but obviously you weren't meant to stay...God had your days numbered before you were even conceived and you lived exactly the number of days in my tummy that you were suppose to and the exact number of minutes on this earth too! And now you're in the glorious presence of Jesus and all of us here are a little jealous :) The one good thing is that I don't have to worry about you...I know that you are safe in the arms of Jesus and you will be there to greet me when my number of days on earth are done...which I told your daddy will be before his are 'cause I'm tired of burying people...so we agreed we'd go together so we will both get to see you two at the same time :) haha! You two will always be my sweet baby boys and my heart will always have a little piece missing from it...that is until we meet again and all will be made right and whole again...it will be at that time that your daddy and me will have our complete healing! :) So happy birthday to my boys...I hope Heaven has the biggest cake for you today...I love you and can't wait to hold you again...give Emmalee a hug from me too...and until we meet again...

I love you!

Mommy

Missing Emmalee...

2010-04-23T12:52:00.002-05:00

Yep...today...and actually for the last couple of days...I've really been missing Emmalee. I've held Natalee especially close and just let myself wonder what it would have been like to really hold Emmalee. Sure...I did get to hold her close after she was gone...which would have been exactly 2 years ago this day and this time...but it wasn't the same...her life wasn't there to really hold...she was already being held by Jesus. I think her death anniversary brings up way more emotions than her birthday...I think it's because on her birthday we were just so excited that she was finally here and we had no idea of the road we were going to have to walk...for the 13 days that would follow her birth....for the next weeks, months and now...years. Thank goodness we don't know what the future holds 'cause I don't think I would have been able to do it if I knew what was coming. So...yes...her birthday is more of an exciting and happy memory...but these 13 days in between are more memories of what we were doing those days, what Emmalee was going through...like...on the 14th was the day of her first surgery...then the 17th was her big heart surgery...then two days ago it was the day of the "oh she's doing really good" to the "oh...I don't think she's going to make it...we should give her a few more days but I don't think it's going to be good". Jon and I were talking last night in bed...he was wondering how we even slept the night before she went to Heaven...and how did we even walk into the hospital knowing what we were going to have to do...what decision we were going to have to make. He said that he was ready on the Monday night just to let her go...but I was not. I thought...what if...just what if this could be fixed....and the doctors said...let's give her a few more days and see...they said that there would probably not be a change but you never know...and they also advised us that if one of us was not ready to let go then they wouldn't do anything because if one is not ready then they will always wonder "what if"...so true...by that Wednesday I knew that she was not going to get better....they let us be in on the ECHO of her heart and I could see the clots...and I knew...there was not a decision to be made...it was being made for us. Also, what makes it so hard is that not only did I lose a baby but I had to watch her go through all that she did. By the time it was all said and done, not only did Em have a heart defect and an esophagus issue but she had major brain damage. Ugh...what a crushing blow to hear that. Her brain was perfectly fine but because of these clots in her heart she developed brain damage. And even though I am really sad right now I won't stay this way because I am so glad that she doesn't have to deal with any of that anymore...she is perfectly healed in Heaven...no more heart defect...no more brain damage...perfect little body for a perfect little angel. And like I posted to Facebook...I'm missing Em today...but she is not missing me :) Thanks for letting me share my thoughts and my heart with you today. And thanks for the extra prayers you're sending our way. Make sure you hug your kids tight and tell them that you love them...I'm tempted to wake Emmalee's sister up right now to do just that...but I am smarter than that and I'll do it later :)

Did you find one of our balloons?

2010-04-15T15:58:00.002-05:00

Well if you did would you please leave a comment here and let us know where you found it! We'd love to hear...and we thank you in advance for coming on our blog to do so! Have a great day!

A Celebration Recap

2010-04-15T15:30:00.003-05:00

We had a great day celebrating what would have been Emmalee's 2nd birthday last Saturday. We couldn't have asked for a better day...well....a little more wind to fly our kites would have been nice but we still had fun. Leading up to the day I had been feeling way way under the weather...sore throat, runny nose, all the icky stuff...so the day of her birthday was still a little trying for me as I still wasn't feeling the greatest. But I didn't want to cancel so the party went on! I figured I didn't have a fever so I couldn't stay in bed! And I'm glad I didn't...it is so much fun celebrating our girl and having our family around to help us celebrate. We did the same thing as last year...we met out at Valley Grove (the cemetery) and we flew our kites for a while (until the wind totally died!) and then we took time to write messages to Emma...the kids take such a long time making sure their pictures are perfect before attaching them to their balloons...and then we had our balloon release. This year the balloons went straight up...and they kept going and going and going...it will be real fun if we get a few responses to see where they ended up! After that we headed back to our house and had tacos and cupcakes...yum! And of course we had a bonfire :) After everyone left I crashed...held Natee and just cherished her for the gift from God that she is...and then I went to bed :) All in all it was a great day! Can't wait to celebrate again next year!

Natee with her Aunt B...so glad that I have this little girl in my life...she definitely made the day a lot easier!

All the cousins together...still makes me sad that we have to get pictures like this to get them all together. From L to R: Julia, Greta, Logan Jack, Natalee, Luke, Carter, Lily, Ella, and Levi

Celebrating Emmalee

2010-04-10T06:09:00.002-05:00

My Dear Emmalee

Today, baby girl, you would have been two! Two...can you believe it! You would have been such a big girl! Two years ago today I was up even earlier than I am today preparing for you...me and your daddy were so excited to meet you...we headed down to Mayo early to check in....your daddy was so surprised that I wasn't more nervous about experiencing labor...I wasn't nervous 'cause I knew I had to do it so that I could meet you! They started the drugs to induce labor, a few hours later they broke my water, and then at 3:16 p.m. you made your appearance in this world! Luckily the nurse told me to open my eyes when you came out otherwise I would have missed seeing you for the first time...they took you away so fast to try to help you and your precious little heart. As we know, that little heart of yours was kind of a tricky one. Your doctors tried so hard...they really did...I hope I never have to see that look of defeat on someones face ever again. In 13 days we'll also be celebrating the day that you went to be with Jesus...that's an exciting thing to celebrate...while we wish that you were still here with us, we can't think of a better place for you to be. Emma, if you were still here with us, we would probably be starting to prepare for your last surgery...to be honest...I don't know if your mama could take it. I've heard too many stories about little heart babies that have had such a rough time...yes the do get to stay here with their moms and dads but they have to go through so much, and baby, I think that would be so hard to watch...all the time knowing that I couldn't switch places with you. That would make me so sad. But what I wouldn't do just to have 1 more hour to hold you and cuddle you and tell you how much I love you! But...just as John 3:16 says (and I love the fact that you were born at 3:16!): "For God so love the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believe in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." We know that you have everlasting life Emmalee...you are not dead...you are alive! And you are healed! And we will see you again...and we will hold you again...and we will tell you that we love you again! And until that day we will continue to celebrate you and the life that you had...because Emmalee...you made a difference in this world and your story has touched so many people. So baby girl...Happy Birthday! I hope that Heaven has birthday parties...and lots of cake! Have a piece for your mom and dad and sister too! And remind your brothers that you only get 2 birthday spankings and not any more :) We love you Emmalee and will continue to miss you until we are together again!

Love

Mommy

P.S. Daddy prayed last night (as he does most nights) that God would give you and your brothers a big hug and kiss from us...I hope you liked them :)

Happy Birthday Owen and Cooper!

2010-02-08T14:05:00.003-06:00

To my beautiful boys:

Happy 1st Birthday! Wow! It doesn't seem like one year has gone by since I said hello and goodbye to you. One year...really...it can't be! February 8th was not suppose to be your birthday...well...acutally...maybe it was. Who knows why God chose for that to be your special day...only He does...and I'm praying someday I will know why too. But until then I am comforted knowing that you are in His arms and He is taking care of you until your daddy and I get up there. And I'm sure your big sister is keeping tabs on you as well :) I wonder what you are doing for your birthday...probably having a big cake and some ice cream...if you were here we'd be having that for you...and maybe even a snowball fight as it has been snowing all day here...such a pretty sight. But instead we are just remembering you today and thanking God for your lives and how they've touched ours and many other people...you truly are two special little boys! We miss you so...we miss watching you grow and hitting your milestones...we miss your little noises that we never really got to hear...we miss your little bodies, which were just perfect even at such a young age...we miss just the very thought of you in our lives...we miss you. And now you have a new little sister who has come into our lives and she is bringing us such great joy. She will never replace you but will just add to the beauty that our family already is. I sometimes struggle with that. I don't want people to think that we were trying to replace you...and I know they don't really think that. I also feel guilty because I am so happy that she is in our family...and if you were here with us...she probably wouldn't have been. But God knew that Natalee was suppose to be our little girl and she was suppose to be your sister. And as Pastor Don said in his sermon the other day...God has taken us, your mom and dad, down a path that has led us to Natalee being in our family and He has great plans for us and her life. And we give Him all the Glory...because as you know boys...God is good, all the time! Well we love you so much and can't wait to be reunited with you someday! Until then be good (I don't really think you can be bad in Heaven) and give your big sis a kiss (ewe! I know!) from me. And watch over your little sister her on Earth...she's not as blessed as you are...she's going to have to face a scrapped up knee, having her heart broken, being sick, and countless other things that we have to deal with here on earth. Although we would wish you back in a heartbeat we know that you two are in a much better place and we sleep peacefully at night knowing this is the truth!

With all my love Owen and Cooper~

Mommy

Owen Timothy

Owen, I will never forget the moment they laid you on my chest. I couldn't believe that you were actually here with us. You were a little turkey...by the time I got to the hospital you already had your legs into the birth canal...I guess you couldn't wait to meet us either! You were so perfect and so tiny. I watched your chest rise and fall until they told me that you were gone. I cherished those 19 minutes with you and can't wait for another 19 more!

Cooper James

Cooper, I did ask God to let us keep you and ask that you would stay in but God must have known that your brother would need you in Heaven with him as you came into this world the moment your brother left us. When the nurse placed you on my chest you just made these little squeaks. I think you were a true fighter and you were going to fight for as much time here with us as possible. We treasured the 19 minutes that you were alive with us and we treasured the rest of that day that we got to just hold you and your brother and get to know you two. You also were so perfect and so tiny. You and Owen each had your own unique looks to you yet you could tell that you were twins. Sometimes looking at pictures of you two (when you're not together) I have a hard time telling you apart. Until we meet again son...I love you!

Two tiny beautiful boys who are loved so much and missed even more!

It turned out perfect...again!

2009-09-09T15:27:00.005-05:00

So the other night (Monday) I crawled into bed and said to Jon..."well...we've done something today that we never thought we'd have to do...again." We finally got the boys' headstone done and we placed it next to Emmalee's on Monday. It was bittersweet, but so nice to have it done. I had been feeling guilty that it wasn't out there yet...yes we had a the sweet marker that my mom and dad had made out there...but I needed their permanent stone to be out there. We had actually picked out the stone earlier in the summer but couldn't figure out what exactly we wanted on it...Emmalee's turned out so good and is so special to us and we wanted Owen and Cooper's to be the same way. I think it turned out perfect. Well...I'll let you be the judge:

After looking at my pictures I took I realize I don't have a real close up of the top so I'll tell you what it says....

On the top:

Loved for 19 minutes on earth by their mom and dad...forever in Eternity

In the middle:

Given and Returned

February 8, 2009

God is good...all the time

Bottom:

How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news. Romans 10:15b

Then under both of their names we put their little footprints! They are the exact size of their little feet. I still don't know how he did it (they took a copy of the footprints off their birth certificate...then they make a stencil or something and then blast the stone...so I guess I know a little about how they do it...I still don't know how they do it with something so tiny!) but it's awesome and I'm so glad that they are on there...Owen and Cooper's little feet were kind of their thing with us...ever since that ultrasound picture when both of their feet were together we fell in love with their tiny feet! And when they were born I couldn't believe how perfect those little feet were...and how Owen's feet looked EXACTLY like Jon's! On Emmalee's stone we put her picture but for some reason we really didn't want to put their picture on their stone...just didn't feel right...but then when I thought about trying to get their footprints on there it just felt right. I think their stone turned out perfect!

See the cute little bird bath we also got...it fits perfectly between the two stones...and I think it's so cool looking...there are always feathers in there so I think the birds like it too! (They had the birdbaths at the same place we got the stone bench and the guy knew what we were going to do with the bench and so he gave us the birdbath for free...wasn't that sweet of him!?!)

And here is the final shot...our nice little memorial to our kids...I think it looks so nice and has a nice flow to it. It will be nice to have a little bench out there to sit and reflect. I know I've said it before but it's just so peaceful out there...if we have to have plots somewhere I'm glad we are out there.

Well that's what's new for us...tying up loose ends...and it feels good. The last thing we had to do for the boys. And I've told God that we can leave the other two plots alone for now...those are for Jon and I and I think they can remain empty for awhile...will you help us in praying for that...that we don't have to fill them with any more of our kids...that we will be given children and that they can bury us someday (when we are old and gray) and not the other way around...thanks :) Well you take care and I'll keep you updated on anything new in our lives!

So...what do you think?

2009-07-29T14:06:00.003-05:00

See how fancy I have become?!? Do you like the new look of the blog? I do...at least for now! Well I just thought I'd get on here and tweak it a bit today...I figure my kids deserve a cute blog! I think I'll keep tweaking in the weeks to come but for today...I'm done! Hope all is well for everyone! I'll leave you with a passage that has spoken to me through all of our trials...it's Psalm 20:

1. May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;

may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.

2. May he send you help from the sanctuary

and grant you support from Zion.

3. May he remember all your sacrifices

and accept your burnt offerings.

4. May he give you the desire of your heart

and make all your plans succeed.

5. We will shout for joy when you are victorious

and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.

May the Lord grant all your requests.

6. Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed;

he answers him from his holy heaven

with the saving power of his right hand.

7. Some trust in chariots and some in horses,

but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

8. They are brought to their knees and fall,

but we rise up and stand firm.

9. Oh Lord, save the king,

Answer us when we call.

Yes Lord, we trust in You! And we know that someday you will give us the desires of our heart. But we also thank you for letting us experience Emmalee, Owen and Cooper...they truly were amazing! Hope you all were as blessed by that passage as I have been...have a great week!

Two Little Sets of Feet

2009-07-07T09:42:00.006-05:00

There should have been two little sets of feet in our house this fourth of July. There should have been two little sets of feet in a stroller as we pushed them to the parade. There should have been two little sets of feet, in two little car seats as we drove to my mom and dad's for dinner. And there should have been two little sets of feet in our arms as we watched the fireworks from on top of a hill out at Valley Grove. But there was not. The 4th proved to be kind of a hard day for us here at the Feldman house. I remember thinking last October when we found out that we were pregnant, and in fact having twins..."Yes!...I will finally have that stroller to push to the 4th of July parade!" Not kidding...I did seriously think that. Because while I do love parades...there is something about watching a kid at a parade that is way more fun...and I couldn't/can't wait to watch my own kids. And I know...the boys would not have been old enough to enjoy this 4th of July...but they would have still been here...and I would have still been enjoying them:) We decided not to go to the parade this year...not necessarily because the boys weren't here and I thought it would be hard, but basically because we decided to go to my mom and dad's house instead...and I think that was a good choice. I really don't think I would have enjoyed it much this year...who knows...maybe next year. :) We had a really good time at my parent's house...Uncle Doug and Aunt Suzi were there, Auntie Pearl was there, and Sam and Britt joined us as well. As always...too much food and too little room in my tummy...although it didn't stop me. My mom had recently gotten her scrapbook done that she had done for Emmalee...it was very sweet...she had put in her e-mails that she had written to people during Emmalee's time at the hospital...little updates...well that has served as a great recording of what happened...as I was sitting there reading them I had to stop...my stomach was just in knots and it was just sick...it took me right back to those days...and while they were with Emma, they were still very hard days. To watch your baby go through all that...to hear your doctor say that she is in very serious condition...to see your doctor look like he had just had a sharp blow to his stomach after realizing that she might not make it...it was a little too much to relive for the day. So I looked through the rest of the pictures and I'll have to save reading for another day. I know Jon felt the same way...and I think we were already having a hard enough day as it was...it just made us miss all our babies even more. We hung out at my parents until about 8 and then headed home. We decided to again watch the fireworks from Valley Grove...it is so neat up there....we actually saw about 8 different towns fireworks displays...obviously you could see Northfields the best but it was still cool to see the others...even if they were pretty small. And as I was walking out there...in the dark...I kept thinking to myself...I used to be scared of cemetery's and you for surely wouldn't have caught me in one at night. But there is something about the kids being out there (even though I do know that it is only their bodies and they are really in Heaven...I'm not crazy!) that makes it so much more peaceful. And then it was off to bed after that...one more holiday down with out the two little sets of feet.

But really...there should have been three little sets of feet...

(this is a picture I had my sister-in-law Britt do for Jon for Father's Day. It is God's hands holding all of them...Emmalee, Owen, and Cooper in Heaven and Jon here down on earth...I think she did a fabulous job...thanks Britt)

Due Date

2009-06-19T17:00:00.009-05:00

The first question you usually ask your doctor when you find out you're pregnant is....when is my due date. When do I get to look forward to my little blessing being here. I remember finding out the the boys would be born right before Father's Day and thinking...cool...Jon will have kids by next Father's Day...I was so happy for him. Well, obviously we know what happened and it was not meant to be that Jon would be celebrating Sunday with two babies on his lap...it's been four months and 11 days since we held our little Owen and Cooper. Their due date kept looming in front of me...reminding me that I didn't have anything to look forward to. Some days though I am surprised at how fast this time has gone...God's grace again! My sister-in-law and I did go shopping today...in fact I just got back from our trip...it was a great way to take my mind off of today...sure we did go by the Carter's store...and yes I did go in to look and to buy a baby gift...and yes it's hard not to just buy something for "someday"...but I restrained and kept telling myself that they will still have cute stuff when I do get to buy it...someday:) On our way down I threw out the question of...I wonder if time would have gone this fast if I still would have been pregnant...or would it have dragged on because for one I would have been huge and two because you are just so looking forward to it that sometimes time seems to go so slow. Well I guess we'll never know but I do thank God that this time has gone relatively fast and that He is giving us the strength to walk through yet another valley in our lives....I am going to reach that mountain top one of these days:) In church on Sunday during our worship there were two songs that really touched me...one was Great is Thy Faithfulness and the other was You Alone...here are some of the lyrics:

You Alone

Verse 2

You have given me more

Than I could ever have wanted

And I want to give

You my heart

And my soul

Chorus

You alone are Father

And You alone are good

You alone are Savior

And You alone are God

Great Is Thy Faithfulness

Chorus

Great is Thy faithfulness.

Morning by morning new mercies I see.

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided.

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

Verse 3

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,

Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide.

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside.

And as I sang those words I got tears in my eyes...God has given me so much more than I could ever have wanted...He never said that He would give me kids (although I still hope He does) but even if He doesn't I know that He has blessed me greatly and I am so thankful to Him. And He is faithful...He said He will never leave us nor forsake us...and I can tell you honestly...He has not left us...if He had...we wouldn't be doing as well as we are. We are sad...yes...but we are not destroyed by grief. Thank you Jesus...thank you for giving us the strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow! Anyway...well when I started this post I had just gotten done shopping...then Jon came home and we went out to eat at a fancy restaurant...that was fun. Now it's off to relax on the couch and just enjoy being together. Thank you for all the prayers you said for us...I say it every time but every time I mean it...they helped a lot and we really appreciate them! Oh...by the way...we picked out the stone for Owen and Coopers marker at the grave...I'm not going to tell you anything about it until it's done...but let me just say...it's cool! Can't wait for you to see it, but you'll probably still have to wait a few weeks! I know...I'm mean...yes...I am a teaser:) Well I'll at least leave you with a few pictures from out at the cemetery. Enjoy:)

Here's our little plot...Jon planted a little tree right next to where the boys' stone will go...and as you can see...there's another wagon full of flowers:)

This time though is a Radio Missile wagon:)

So pretty...and my mom and dad again made a temporary marker for the boys until we get theirs done...it turned out really cute:)

Knecht's Nursery and Strese Tree moving donated three trees and their moving/planting to us in memory of the kids...we put them out at Valley Grove in the new part that they are going to make a cemetery some day...we can't wait to watch them grow. This one is Emmalee's tree...it's a Burr Oak...it should get to be a pretty cool looking tree...these pictures were taken right after they were planted...I'll have to get out there now and get some pictures of the now that they would have leaves on them:)

Here's Owen's tree...Owen and Cooper's trees are both Sugar Maples...but different kinds...we thought it be cool to get two trees the same yet different...since they were twins (fraternal twins) and all:)

Cooper's tree:)

And look what I caught in Cooper's tree...a blue bird!

I don't know why but I thought this was a cool picture of Jon...he's caring all his hose...I don't know how many hoses' we had to hook together to make it long enough to reach and water the trees in the field:)

April 23rd 2009

2009-05-04T13:59:00.007-05:00

It was Emmalee's Heavenly Birthday...probably her most important birthday! Sorry I haven't had time to get on here and post lately...it just seems like life has been so crazy this past month. I wonder if every April will feel this way? Anyway...just a little recap for you all on what we did on April 23rd. We started out the day by going down to Rochester and getting cinnamon rolls from Daube's Bakery. If you've never had one of their cinnamon rolls I suggest that you stop what you are doing right now and go an get one. Well...maybe that's not realistic (and after all what you're doing right now is reading my blog) but I do recommend if you are ever in Rochester that you stop there and get yourself one. I don't think you'll be disappointed. After that we had a few errands to run and then we went to Sam's Club to pick up cupcakes so that we could bring those up to the doctors and nurses in the NICU and Heart Unit. Then it was on to our big event of the day...we had called a few of the nurses to see if they would want to meet us for lunch at Canadian Honkers...and guess what...some of them did! Actually more of them wanted to come but they had to work! We were so excited to see them again...we are so thankful that Emmalee had such great people taking care of her and we will forever be grateful to them and grateful to God for allowing us to go through this so we could meet all these wonderful folks! After lunch...which lasted 2 hours!...we went over to Mayo and first walked in the garden...we sat on the same bench that one year and a day ago I sat there and told Jon that there was no way I could plan a funeral for my daughter and I certainly couldn't sit through a funeral service for her (that was one my rationalization to God as to why He couldn't let Emmalee die...I thought it was a good one...but as we know He saw fit to take her Home and He proved to me that He would be with me). Well as we all know, God gives us the strength to get through what we need to and He proved Himself to me. I got through it...and 10 months later I did it again. And looking back I still marvel at how strong I was...God is good all the time. We didn't sit on that bench for too long, as it was in the shade and the other one in the sun was way more appealing, but we did sit in the park for awhile and just talk. It was nice. Then we took the treats, as well as some beautiful and sweet blankets that my mom made for other babies that will have to be in the NICU or Mary Brigh 5B (the heart unit), up to the units in the hospital...we got to see a few more of the special nurses that helped take care of our sweet baby girl and then we left Mayo (St. Mary's). I always hate leaving there 'cause I feel like I'm leaving Emmalee's place. Since she never got to come home with us I always feel a special connection to the Mayo and I know Jon feels it too. We always look up to the window where her room was...even though we never really took the time to look out of it while she was there....but to us that's her room and I think we'll always look up at it. The rest of the day we just hung out, got some DQ, and watched Survivor. It was a good day. Here are the pictures from our time at Canadian Honkers (another place you should definitely try...their beef stew was one of the only things Jon could eat that actually tasted good to him while Emmalee was in the hospital):

Jon with Connie (in the blue) and Breanna. These two ladies took care of Emmalee when she was in the NICU. They even came up to visit her after her heart surgery. We love them!

Me with Lori (in the middle) and Becky. Lori was Emmalee's nurse in the heart unit and was definitely a strong lady for us to lean on! She was there for us so much and we love her to death! She's the one who convinced the rest of the staff to let us hold Emmalee while she passed away...she made it happen. Thank you Lori! Becky is actually Lori's niece and she works in the NICU. She was never actually one of Emma's nurses but she did help out from time to time and even helped Breanna decorate her room up in the heart unit!

The group picture! The only thing better would have been a high chair sitting at the end of the table!

Thanks for taking the time to read our blog and thanks for keeping us in your prayers. We still can't believe that a year has gone by. One more thing...since it has been a year now I think that I am going to change this blog over to one for Emmalee, Owen and Cooper. I had created the other blog to update you all on what is going on in our lives and just every day kind of stuff. I hate that that one had to become a "sad" blog as well. So I'm going to dedicate this blog to all of our "Feldman Baby(s)" and keep the Feldman Crew blog as our everyday blog (not that I will post everyday...come on...you know me better than that!). But I do love having a place to write about our babies and what I am learning through it all...so I will do that here. Thank you all again.

April 23rd

2009-04-24T07:56:00.003-05:00

Well we made it past one year. I don't have time to post right now about what we did to celebrate Emmalee's one year in Heaven (so I will do that at a later date) but I just wanted to get on here and say thank you to you all for your prayers and kind thoughts for us yesterday. We definitely felt covered because yesterday wasn't a sad day for us. There were plenty of moments for tears and yet there were none. And that did feel good. We had a very good day, being husband and wife and remembering our sweet girl. And as I thought about it I thought...okay we've survived one year...I wonder how many more "years" we will have...

Did you find one of our balloons?

2009-04-15T19:38:00.005-05:00

If so we'd love to hear where you found it! Please leave a comment for us! Thanks!

Emmalee's Party

2009-04-15T18:24:00.011-05:00

Well...Friday proved to be a very good day! I think the anticipation of the day was harder than actually facing the day itself. Oh...there were a lot of tears...don't get me wrong...but neither of us were a blubbering mess. But...even if we were...could you blame us?! Anyway...I will just say it again. I can't believe that a year has gone by. I don't know how it went so fast. It seems like I just started the grieving process for my baby and now it's been a year. I guess this just proves that the grieving process can last for a while. A day still does not go by that I don't think of her...that amazes me...and I am being totally serious...not one day. It's not an all day thing but all of a sudden...there she is...I can picture her...what a cute baby she was:) Anyway...I'll give you a run down of what we did to celebrate Emmalee on what would have been her one year birthday. You can also check out her Auntie Britt's blog, as she wrote a very nice post about our celebration. So Jon and I woke up that morning and laid in bed and just talked about how our lives would have been so different had Emmalee still been with us. I know I mentioned it before, but Jon's comment was..."it's too quiet in this house to be celebrating a one year old's birthday today"...and it's true...it was too quiet. I think most of our tears came at this time...and truth be told...the night before. We decided against watching her video, as it just seemed too hard to do and we were trying to just get through the day...it's a lot easier to just look at pictures where she is still then to watch a video and see the life that she had in her...does that make sense? So we decided to get up...and go get some breakfast from the Tavern (which is a restaurant in Northfield for those of you who don't live around here). We ran into a couple we knew and had a wonderful time chatting with them. Then we took a stroll through Northfield and stopped in a few shops and then it was back home for us. We spent the remainder of the morning and early afternoon cleaning and getting ready for everyone to come over for a barbecue that evening. And of course...I had to make a cake! Well at 4:30 we headed out to the cemetery and all of our family met us out there. Jon has bought himself a huge kite to fly this spring and so we thought it would be fun to get a bunch more kites and have a time of flying kites together...and it was fun! I think everyone liked it. And I liked taking pictures of all my nieces and nephews getting into the fun. Then we did a balloon release...I had gotten pink and white balloons (thanks mom and dad for picking them up) and had printed off messages to tie to the strings...and if they wanted to I had markers out there in case they wanted to write their own messages...the kids drew some cute pictures for Emmalee to see. Then we all let them go at the same time...well...almost....my nephew Logan let his go early...poor kid...he looked like he could cry but he was trying not too...and then my nephew Jack didn't want to let his go...he wanted to keep it:) It was really fun to watch them go until you couldn't see them any longer. Then we just came back to our house...started a fire...fired up the grill...and had food and lots of fun. It really was a nice day of celebrating Emma. Then on Saturday we (my family and Matt, Chris and kids) took a meal down to the Ronald McDonald House in Rochester and fed the families there. It was hard to believe that a year ago we were the ones receiving the meal. It always feels good to give back! They told us to plan for 25-30...well...I think we had over 50! Good thing I always over prepare! It came in handy this time! Not too many leftovers this time around! And then Easter was on Sunday and we spent that with both of our families at the Feldman's. So it was a good weekend...a busy weekend. I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally, on Monday. Well...I guess that's all I have for now...I'll leave you with some pictures of Emmalee's Day.

The Cakes!

How high are they?!?

Jon's new kite! Isn't it pretty!

Uncle Jon trying to get their kite to fly.

Jack and I

Ready

Set

Off they go!

Can you still see them?

All the kids with Emmalee

2009-04-10T13:35:00.004-05:00

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday our dearest Emmalee

Happy Birthday to you!

I'm sure the angels sing it much better than we do baby girl but we just wanted you to know how much we love you and miss you! We are celebrating your life today and so wish you could be here. Daddy and I layed in bed this morning and he said to me..."this house to too quite to be celebrating a one year old's birthday"...it saddens us that you aren't here to celebrate...to see the cake I'm making...or for us to give you your birthday spankings (and a pinch to grow an inch). But...we are rejoicing for you because you are in a wonderful place and you are fully healed and I'm sure you are having the best birthday...better than any party we could ever throw you! Hopefully your brothers are behaving themselves and not blowing out your candle before you get to! Your cousins are going to be sending you up balloons today with messages and pictures on them for you to see...hopefully they get to you! (Although I'm not crazy and I know they truly will not make it to Heaven...we just thought it would be fun for them to do.) Well...just know how much we love you and how much we miss you! You will forever be our little Emmalee and April 10th will forever be your day! Happy Birthday!
We love you!
Mommy and Daddy

P.S. God -- will you please give our baby girl a hug and kiss from us. Thank you! And thank you for giving us a reason to celebrate. Even if she could not stay here with us we just thank you for her life and all that she means to us. Thank you for watching over us this past year and thank you for taking care of our kids for us...your love is amazing!

Monday was 11 Months in Heaven

2009-03-25T12:45:00.003-05:00

Well, we've passed the 11 months in Heaven mark for Emmalee. Still can't believe it. Here we go...heading for the one year mark! Wow. Please be in prayer for us as we head in this direction. Jon and I were talking the other night about how last year at this time we were preparing for our new little bundle of joy to arrive. How he was so antsy for him or her to get here. I can't believe that was only a year ago...I feel like so much has happened to us in a year that it can't seem possible for it only to be a year...and yet...it's been a year? How can that be...time has gone so fast. Two totally different reactions and yet I feel them both. Well...here we go.

11 Months

2009-03-12T07:52:00.003-05:00

Raise your hand if you can believe Emmalee would have been 11 months old already!! These months keep ticking by! Jon called me on Tuesday (the day Emmalee would have been 11 months) and asked me if I could believe it had been 11 months already...and my answer...no! I can't believe it. Which I told him was probably a good thing. That means time is still going by and we are healing...at least the days don't drag on...at least time is moving...getting us one day closer to reuniting with her and Owen and Cooper. Some day my arms will be full! Until then they still ache. After the boys died I missed her so badly! I just wanted Emmalee to hold. I don't really know why that is...after all...shouldn't I be missing them. But yet again...I had just seen them and had just said good-bye to them. At that time it had been 10 months since I had seen Emmalee and I just wanted her. Also, I think we had more time to bond with her...she was with us for 18,445 minutes more than the boys were. Anyway...all that to say that I miss her...we miss her. Life will never be the same for us. It will be richer because she has graced our lives but there will always be a piece missing...a piece we will forever miss and grieve for. But glory be to God that He has been a constant strength and comfort to us. He may have let us go down this road but He has not left us to go it alone. He is writing a story here and I'm glad to be one of the characters. He is shaping us to be the people He wants us to be. Stronger people with more love to give to others. Hopefully He sees fit for us to become parents again. We would like that. Well I hope you all have a blessed day. Thanks for being with us these past 11 months. And Happy 11 Month Birthday Emmalee. Have some cake for me!

10 Months in Heaven

2009-02-23T13:36:00.003-06:00

I wonder what that would be like...probably seems like a second to you but to us down here it seems like such a long time. We miss you baby girl. That statement will always be true. Until our glorious reunion with you and your brothers...
We love you!
Mommy and Daddy

Happy 10 Months

2009-02-10T07:57:00.003-06:00

Happy Birthday Baby Girl! I can't believe today that you would have been 10 months old! I know you're going to have a real special birthday today...especially since your brothers are with you to celebrate! That must have been one reason God wanted them on Sunday...for you! We miss you guys so much...more than words can even express. Our hearts ache and we cry for you, but don't worry about us...we will be fine. We know you're in a great place...we can't wait to celebrate all your birthdays with you...together...one big happy family! Now be nice to your little brothers...they are pretty little! But I do have feeling that they will give you a run for your money! Daddy said he could just picture you last night...all three of you snuggled up together...I like that thought. Now make sure you tell God that we need more sibling for you three...but make sure he knows we want to keep them down here on earth! We'll let them join you (and us) when they are old and gray! Again...Happy Birthday Emmalee. I'm so glad to be your mommy!

Love,
Mommy

Playmates in Heaven

2009-02-08T18:02:00.005-06:00

I just wanted you all to know that Emmalee's little brothers joined her in Heaven today. Owen Timothy and Cooper James were born at only 21 weeks...they lived for 19 beautiful minutes each. We are sad and heavy hearted...for more info check out: http://www.feldmancrew.blogspot.com/

9 Months

2009-01-28T17:27:00.004-06:00

Well we made it past the 9 month mark...can you believe it! I know I write that every time but I still can't believe how gracious God has been to us to let us grieve and yet go on with our lives and let the time pass. On the 23rd, our friends, Darin and Tanya, were actually here so that helped us not to linger on the fact that our little girl had been gone for 9 months. We were actually down at Rochester showing Darin and Tanya around the town and the complex they call Mayo...I know...we know how to entertain our guests don't we?!?! But we do think that place is truly amazing and we found the museum in the Mayo building so that was kinda fun to see. And we took them to the chapel at St. Mary's...if you haven't seen it yet, you do need to go...it's truly a work of art and it is so beautiful! Anyway...we are doing good. Having these babies on the way makes it a little easier, which is what we were hoping for. It was either going to make it harder or easier...I'm glad it's the latter...not that they will ever replace Emma, but they will give us a reason to celebrate and a reason to get up in the morning and they will be a constant reminder to us of their sister...every milestone they have I'm sure I'll wonder if that's how Emma would have done it or if that's how old she would have been when she started to do that. And now that these babes are starting to move more it reminds me of her again. That first excitement of feeling your baby move inside of you...you can't even describe how wonderful it feels! And just feeling them reminds me of how I would look forward to her every move...especially in the end 'cause I knew she was safe and that she was okay. Jon and I were just saying the other day...we can't believe that April is coming up so fast. We still don't know what we will do to mark the one year anniversary or her birthday...but whatever it is it will be special. Well I will let you all go for now...I just wanted to make sure I wrote as I have not written on here for awhile...I'm sorry for that! Take care and we'll talk again! ~Ali

Here's to 2009!

2008-12-31T10:03:00.004-06:00

As I said on the other blog...I can not believe that we are on the last day of 2008! Sometimes I'm tempted to say...well good riddance to 2008...but then I think...no...this was a great year. Sure it was filled with a lot of sadness and feelings that I wish I didn't have to feel...but 2008 also brought me my beautiful daughter and the experience to be a mom! And I wouldn't trade that for the world! This year was the year that Jon and I were suppose to have. I can't believe all that has come out of this year! A lot of growing was done. And God is giving us a happy ending to the year...so far everything seems to be going good with the twins...He's giving us the hope that we needed. Thank you to all of you who have been on this journey with us...I know I thank you a lot but I just want you all to know that we truly do appreciate you! Sorry that I didn't blog more during Christmas...it just seemed to get so busy...and then I didn't really feel like it...and then our Internet went down! But thank you to all who checked on us to see how this Christmas went...it wasn't as bad as I thought it could have been...it must have been all your prayers for us that guarded us! There were some times that were hard...like when all the kids at the Feldman's were opening up their present...you couldn't help but think that Emmalee should have been there. And then on Christmas Eve we went out to Valley Grove (where Emmalee is buried) and attended their service out there, just so we could be close to her and feel like we spent Christmas with her...even though that's only her body there...it just felt good to be close...but I bet she had the best Christmas ever...after all...she's spending it with the Christ Child in person...she may not have gotten to sit on Santa's lap but I think Jesus' lap would be much more comfortable! I'm so happy for her! Well I just want to wish you all a Happy New Year! I hope you all have a wonderful 2009...full of lots of happy moments! And I just want to encourage you all to be praying for all the other moms and dads out there who have lost children this year...being in this new "club" you realize how many people have lost babies and children...and my heart aches for them. Thank you for lifting them up as well! Until next time...

I couldn't figure it out

2008-12-10T19:27:00.005-06:00

I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so weepy today....then I remembered that it would have been Emmalee's 8 month birthday. Wow...I still can't believe that! (And on a side note...today on my soap...I know...it's bad to watch them...it's my dirty little secret...I catch up on them when I am actually at home during the day...anyway...today on my soap they had to have a funeral for a little baby...I thought that was so unfair...it brought on so many tears!) Actually this whole week I have felt weepy and I'm sure some of that has to do with my raging hormones right now with these two little blessings inside of me! Truly a gift...as was Emmalee. She did give us all a gift, as most of you have told me how much her story has meant to you...her story seems to hit everyone a little different...hits you right where you are at. To me...that is truly a miracle. It still amazes me that God can use our circumstances to help others with theirs. Anyway...I just wanted to touch base with all of you. This Christmas season I think is going to be hard on me (and Jon for that matter)...like I've said before...all the first are hard. I think I'm going to be a little bit weepier...and I know I already feel like a Scrooge. I don't know what's up with me but I just can not get into the Christmas spirit! Isn't that awful! I think so. Part of it I think is losing Emmalee...the other is the miracles growing inside of me...they are making me awfully exhausted! Well I hope you all are enjoying the Christmas Season...it is getting really beautiful here in MN with all the snow we've been getting. And I'm very thankful for Christmas and for being able to celebrate Christ's birth. For with out that...I wouldn't have the assurance that my little girl is in Heaven and that someday I will get to see her again. Thank you Lord for sending your Son down to Earth for us...to die for our sins and be able to live with you in paradise someday...I thank you that you know my hurt, after all, your Son had to die as well...and I thank you for being there for us...all of us...ready to meet us where we are at. Have a wonderful Christmas everyone! Oh...and we took a tree out to Emmalee's grave...we decorated it the other night...I think it looks cute! We thought it'd be kind of a fun tradition for our family to decorate a tree for Emmalee every year. I also bought some solar powered lights...they hadn't charged yet so I think we are going to go out tomorrow night to see if they actually work...if not....they are going back to Target...those things were expensive! Well...I hope you like Emmalee's First Christmas Tree!

Love~
Ali

New Blog

2008-11-28T16:26:00.005-06:00

Just a quick update for you all...I have created a new blog...I just didn't want to use this blog for updating you all on other happenings in our lives...this has come to be Emmalee's blog and it will stay that way. So here's our new address:

feldmancrew.blogspot.com

Feel free to go and check it out! Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. We sure did! And I didn't even stuff myself too full! Have a great week!

Strength Will Rise

2008-11-25T08:47:00.003-06:00

Hi all! Sorry...time has gotten away from me as we approach Thanksgiving...and I thought I'd write today because I know tomorrow will be busy! Work has been very busy, which is always a blessing, but then I just come home and crash...I didn't know I could be such a couch potato! Anyway...last week I think it was I heard a song on the radio that instantly brought me back to our time in the hospital with Emmalee. As you may recall, the Thursday that Emmalee had her surgery they made us stay the night in the hospital...looking back I know it was because they didn't think she'd make it through the night and they wanted us there so we'd be able to say good-bye. Well, she did make it through and the next morning they told us to go back to the Ronald House and get cleaned up, take a nap (since sleep didn't come very easy that night...they stuck us in a small room, with no windows and I felt like the walls could come in at any moment...I didn't want the lights shut off all the way 'cause it was so dark in there...I'm not afraid of the dark but that night I think I might have been...I actually think I was having small panic attacks that night...I didn't want Jon to leave me...if I fell asleep I made him promise to wake me up if he was going to go anywhere...I did not want to wake up and find him not there...he was a good husband and did just that for me...he's so good to me), and get something to eat. I remember Jon and I getting into the elevator and us both saying..."Man...we stink!"...and then going down to the underground parking garage. Your radio doesn't work down there, but as we came up the ramp and into the sunlight, this is the song that was playing:

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

Wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever

Our hope, our Strong Deliverer

You are the everlasting God

The everlasting God

You do not faint

You won’t grow weary

You’re the defender of the weak

You comfort those in need

You lift us up on wings like eagles

And I think for the first time I realized that God was going to give us that strength...He was going to prove that He is enough...and He gives us the strength as we wait upon Him. I know I've said it time and time again...but I did feel like I had been given this supernatural strength that I don't know where it would have come from if not from God. And I like the last part of the song...we were faint and we were weary...but that's okay...because He doesn't get that way...we need to just lean on Him...He will carry us...and He was the defender of the weak...He took Emmalee Home to be with Him where she is not weak anymore...and He has brought us much comfort. Wow...what a song...who knew that it could fit our story so well...now that is totally a God thing! Well I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! We have much to be thankful for...and while this first Thanksgiving I know will be hard, we are able to look back at this year and find that God has given us so much and Emmalee's story is still reaching people, and I find that to be a true blessing! He gave us an incredible little girl...thanks be to God! He is good...all the time! Happy Thanksgiving!

7 Months

2008-11-12T22:03:00.003-06:00

I still can't believe it every time I write another number in front of the word months...seven this time. Can it really be that long ago? I guess that's a good sign...life is going good in spite of our loss. Time does make it more manageable...and God does that as well. Although on Sunday we had to sing the gives and takes away song...tears almost always come when I sing that song...sometimes I wish we'd quite singing it...but the words are good and I find it's good to cry. Anyway...as I was reading my Bible this week I've been focusing on Romans 8. If you've never read Romans I would highly encourage it...there is so much good stuff in this book. But starting with verse 28 and continuing to the end of the chapter it is titled More Than Conquerors. And although I've read these verses before they took on a whole new meaning for me this week. Verse 28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." In all things...good...can I really say that. Well...yes I can. I have seen so many good changes in people and heard so many stories that yes...although we have experienced pain and wish she was here with us, God has used this time for good. Then 35 & 37 say this, "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?" "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." Wow...I like that. I can see that through times like these people might be tempted to blame God...I know people who do...but thankfully He is right there for us...with his love...I picture him standing there with arms wide open, waiting to hold us. And I am very thankful for the people he sends into our live to actually give us that physical touch...to hold us when we cry and grieve with us. That is His love...in human form. Well I might as well finish out the chapter, although I do hope some of you can take the time to read through this and ponder it in your own lives. Verse 38-39 "For I am convince that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Emmalee is experiencing his love through her death...she is the lucky one being able to be in the very presence of our God. We all have to wait a while to get there. But none of us know when that will be...maybe tomorrow...or next week...or in another 100 years...so it's nice to know that even in life we can feel that same love...I also just want to encourage you if you do not know for certain that when you die you will go to Heaven and experience this great love for yourself in the presence of God, please do turn to him and ask him to become your Lord and Savior. It's really that easy...if you ever need anyone to talk to I am always here...contact me. I know that He is real...His comfort is real...His love is real. I would not be where I am today if He was not. I'll get off my soap box now. On another side note...we are going to a memorial service down at Mayo this weekend for all the families that have lost children this year. I just got an e-mail with some info on the events of the weekend and I counted 22 names on the e-mail list. Please just be in prayer for us during this time. I think it's going to be hard...but good. It will be real good connecting with these other families and hearing their stories. But I'm sure there will be plenty of tears...I'll pack my Kleenex's! I hope you all have a wonderful week...sorry I didn't post last week...didn't have much to say I guess! (Surprising huh!)
~Ali

Emmalee's name in print

2008-10-29T21:42:00.004-05:00

So this last week we received in the mail our copy of the Ronald McDonald House newsletter. It's such a nice newsletter...full color...glossy...like a little magazine. I really enjoy receiving it and learning what's going on there and to read the stories about the little ones who do have success stories. I think this must be a quarterly thing for them to send out...since we've only received one other one. Well this newsletter turns out to have a little more meaning for us. First of all, when I got the page of donations made there was Emmalee's name...thank you to all of you who have donated to the Ronald McDonald House in our sweet little girls name. It means so much to us to have her honored in this way. The House was so good to us and a much needed retreat from the hospital...we definitely count the House as one of our top charities to give to. And then I saw the next page...it was a page listing all the angels who had gotten their wings from March 1, 2008 - July 31, 2008...and there was Emmalee Feldman listed at the top. Oh the tears streamed down...the heart wrenching pain started...just more of a reality check to me that I have a daughter that is no longer with me. Thank goodness I do know where she is at but it is still hard! The other sad part was reading through the rest of the names...there were 7 total. Seven families...seven mom's and dad's...who are going through the same thing we are. I grieve for them knowing how hard it is. I wish I could take all their pain away from them! But I can't...I can just pray for them. Pray that God would surround them with His love and that they will know the comfort of the Great One. I hope all of you will someday feel that love, if you haven't already, that Jon and I have felt. Losing a child is not easy...but with God we are making it through and we have had many brighter days because we know Him. Take care this week...keep collecting your pop tabs...every little one helps the Ronald McDonald House with its mission! And give all your kids a big hug and kiss! Thank you!

Six Months with Jesus

2008-10-23T08:56:00.003-05:00

I decided to post today instead of yesterday since today is the six month anniversary of Emmalee's homecoming...six months ago at 12 noon Emmalee went to meet Jesus...and she's been completely healed since then! How awesome is that. But I know today will be kinda hard for Jon and I...so at noon...if you read this today...please send up a quick prayer for us. I'm thankful that we will both be at work today...it makes it easier when we are busy. Yesterday was so gloomy out that it was a pretty good day of reflecting...just looking at her picture...what a cute little thing:) Anyway...I'm just rambling now. This six month mark is kinda surreal. At this point I was thinking that she would have had her 2nd surgery...she would have been close to coming home, if not home already, and we would have had some time with her before having another surgery because that one would have been between the ages of 2-3. But even that wouldn't have been a guarantee...she might not have survived the 2nd surgery...or the third...and from some blogs I've read...she could have developed major infections and had something completely different to deal with. So I rejoice today that my sweet baby girl does not have to endure any of that...yes...to be selfish I would say...well we could deal with that...at least we'd have Emmalee here with us...but to be completely unselfish I'm so glad that God knows what is best for each and every one of us and he chose to have Emmalee come and sit on His lap instead of mine. Well, thanks for letting me take a little time to reflect. I hope you all have a wonderful October 23!

Half a year

2008-10-15T15:49:00.005-05:00

Can you believe that last Friday marked a half a year since Emmalee was born! I know I can't! And I'm glad that I can say that time has really flown by! We're coming up to the 6th month anniversary of her death, which I'm sure will be hard, but I'll be glad to celebrate her life as well. Wow...6 months. I was with my friends from college this last weekend and my friend Kelli had her baby, Bekah, there and she was born on April 13th, so it was kinda interesting to see a little of what Emmalee would have been doing. Actually...right about now she probably would have been recovering from her second surgery...one I'm glad she'll never have to have. People tell you time heals everything...and I think that to be true...but yet, sometimes I don't think there has been enough time yet...and maybe there never will be. I found it interesting the other day...I was showing my girlfriends the scrapbook that I had made for Emmalee and people have asked me...was that hard to make? And my answer is no...it was fun. But I think I just discovered the reason why it hasn't been so hard...she's not moving in the pictures. Now you may say...well duh Ali...but here me out. When she's in the pictures, to me, she doesn't have life...she has life in the pictures yes...but she somehow doesn't seem real to me. Now when I showed them the video of Emmalee...oh...the tears came...I had this emotion rise up in me that made me just want to sit on the floor and sob (I didn't but I wanted to)...that's when it hit me...I can look at her picture and be fine...because I realize she is dead and that was just her earthly body and she is healed and complete in Heaven...having full life up there. But when I see the video...I am reminded that she was here...with me...full of life...looking at us with those beautiful eyes...sticking her tongue out because she doesn't like the tubes...and getting little crying faces and not making a sound...yep...it's when I see her like that I think all over again...why why why...but I will know someday...her life had and is still serving a purpose...and I'm going to see all that again someday. Yea!!!!!!!!! Well I'll talk to you all later!

Oh...one more thing...my friends signed me up for Facebook...still don't know what I'm really doing on there but if you want to check me out or add me as a friend...I'm there.

Things are good

2008-10-02T08:38:00.003-05:00

Hi everyone! Sorry I didn't post yesterday....kinda forgot! I guess that's a good thing though...it means we are doing good and life is going good, which is such a blessing! I guess all your prayers must be working! So nothing new to report...sorry to bore you all! I've been thinking of maybe starting a new blog...one where I can share other things that are happening in our lives (like how I saw New Kids On The Block when they were at the Mall of America...there mom...I put it on here:) She asked me why I didn't put that on my blog and I said...well...'cause it's Emmalee's blog so I can't put stuff on there like that...by the way...it was fun seeing them...it brought back old memories from 4th grade!). I kinda feel like this is just Emmalee's blog and I can't post anything else on it except for stuff that pertains to her...maybe that's silly...but I want her to have this one all to herself. I'll probably still post my feelings on here from time to time but feel like maybe I've aired it all out here and I'm good right now so I don't need to right now...at least not every week...the days from the 10th - 23rd I'm sure I'll have something on here...those days are always hard. Anyway...now I'm just babbling and talking (typing) out loud. So I'll see about that new blog...something for me to think about. I'm going to be leaving next Wednesday for a get together in IN with some of my girlfriends from college so I will be MIA...but I'll be back the next Wednesday...and I'll let you all know how that new blog comes together...or if it does:) You all have a good week...thanks for checking in on me!

Afternoon at Valley Grove

2008-09-25T08:40:00.004-05:00

Well I do have to say that this week was pretty uneventful. What should have been a really hard day on Tuesday, was not so bad. I was at work all day and I was really busy so that helps. On Sunday we went out to Valley Grove (where Emma is buried) because they were having a Country Social! It was so fun! They had both churches open and they had horse and wagon rides for the kids (and adults!)...there were some musical groups there putting on shows and they had refreshments...I think they do this every year so we're excited to go back next year! Valley Grove obviously holds a special place in our lives now so it's fun to go to the events that they have there...I guess they have a wonderful Christmas Eve service out there so I think we are going to try to go to that as well. While we were out there we had lots of people commenting on Emma's rock...so it was nice to hear that plus be able to make a connection to other people. I think it was the first time for some of our nieces and nephews to see the rock with her picture on it...it's carved in granite, as I said before, and so therefore it's shinny and smooth...they just kept rubbing it...I told Jon that poor Emmalee is going to get rubbed right off of there or rubbed even more shinny! But that's okay....I'm glad they like to touch her face and make a connection with her. Our niece Julia was so cute...when asked who was in the picture she got a real squeal to her voice and said, "that's Emmwawee!" (I tried to type it how it sounded...it was too cute...too bad you all couldn't have heard it). Well then my mother-in-law said, "well you heard what she said when we came out here to place Emma's rock, didn't you?" And of course my answer was no because had I heard this before it would have already been on this blog! Well that day they walked out there and Julia goes right up to the place where Emmalee was buried and said "Nana, where's Emmalee. I saw Jon put her in the ground right there...where is she?" I guess they must have told her that we were going out to see Emmalee and she wanted to see her. It amazes me what kids do or think or say! Too cute. Well I guess that's all I have for you now...sorry it's Thursday before I get this posted...yesterday just seemed to get away from me! I'll talk to you all later!

One thing I've learned...

2008-09-17T19:10:00.006-05:00

If there is one thing that I've learned this year, it's that you can't control what happens in life...case and point...it rained...all day...on Sunday! If you remember...Sunday was the day we had our big party for all the doctors, nurses, and everyone else that was involved with helping us with Emmalee. Oh well...I prayed for no rain...but there must have been a reason that it needed to rain that day (do you remember the movie Bruce Almighty? God can't answer all our prayers with a yes...He's ultimately in control and know what's best for everyone)...and we survived. We just all moved into the house...my small house...and still had a great time. It was so good to see everyone again! Emma's last day was so rushed and not everyone was working that day that had taken care of her so we didn't get to say good-bye and thank everyone. Also...that little girl of ours helped us create a bond with all of these people and we don't want that bond to break...we enjoyed getting to know everyone...even during the circumstance that we were in. Pretty special...anyway...we had fun...lots of food...lots of stories and remembering...and lots of making plans for future get togethers! Thank you to everyone who came...it was good to see you all! And thank you to all our family who helped us put on this party...who came to help clean my house...and who helped get the food ready and helped put it out that day...and let me and Jon be able to socialize! Other than not too much is new with us. Jon did get the backyard done...it's so cool...and beautiful. I'll post a picture so you all can see it! But I think I'm going to close for now....today was five months since Emmalee's heart surgery...one of the worst days of my life...I was struck that day with such worry...that worry is so unbearable...I pray that I never feel that kind of worry again...and I was just telling my sis-in-law, Annette, about the long walk...down the white hall...how awful it was and how I wanted to request a wheelchair 'cause I literally felt like I could just pass out at any minute...and she was surprised that they didn't offer one...especially since I had just had a baby. But the strength was there for me and I got through it...we got through it. And we have new relationships with people that we would have never had...for that...we are very grateful to God. Well have a great week all...here's a few pictures for you!

Isn't my backyard so pretty! My husband is so talented!

More backyard pictures....the paver patio has a 3 foot fire pit in the middle of it! Fun huh!

I forgot to put this image on with her other pictures of her stone...this is just a little sentiment on the front of her stone...just a statement we believe to be true. There is also a heart on the front corner that says...Loved dearly by her mommy and daddy, Ali and Jon.

Okay...can I tell you how weird it is to see your own name on a funeral plot map!?!

5 Months

2008-09-10T13:59:00.006-05:00

5 months ago...that seems so hard to believe. At 3:16 p.m. today I would have had a five month old. And I tell you...today...with the kind of cramps I am having...I remember labor very well...ha! Hard to believe that that much time has past...seems so long ago and yet like it was yesterday...and yet at the same time by God's grace it actually has been bearable and we have made it through. And I have to say...when anyone ever said "Not a day goes by that I don't think of so and so..." I found that statement hard to believe. Not a day? But let me tell you folks...I don't think that way anymore....I can tell you with certainty that not a day goes by without thinking of Emma...and lately...not a day goes by where I don't get just a few tears in my eyes...they might not fall...'cause I try to be real strong...but they do sting...and my heart gets real heavy...5 months...can it really be?!? I was watching the news last week and they were doing a follow-up story on a little girl in the cities who actually has hypoplastic left heart syndrome...I don't know her whole story...my ears just perked up as soon as I heard she has a heart condition (I tell you...I'm much more in tune to heart stuff anymore)...anyway...she is 5 and ended up needing a heart transplant...she did get it...and now it's a year long wait to make sure her body doesn't reject it...and if it doesn't...then she has about 20 years until she needs another one. Now...I think this should be good news...but I couldn't help but think...that poor little girl...she's going to be okay for a little while here...but then she's going to have to worry again that her heart will give out on her and will there be another heart for her when she needs it! This got me thinking in a whole new way of Emmalee's condition. I truly believe that God knew how bad Emmalee's heart was and He knew she'd have a long road ahead of her and a hard life....He loved her so much that He couldn't let her stay here with us. He also didn't let her die in the hands of the surgeon...He wouldn't have wanted Dr. Burkhart to blame himself for Emmalee's death...and he wouldn't want us questioning whether they had done everything they could have done for her in surgery....He let me and Jon be in there for her final test to see her blood clots...and He let Emmalee's body be the bad guy and take her from us...no one to blame...rejoicing that she was finally healed...rejoicing that she will never be a scared little girl wondering if her heart was going to give out...or being a 25 year old wondering the same thing. Emmalee is in a better place...she has been for almost 5 months...she is missed so dearly...it hurts...but she doesn't and that's all that matters. We got her rock completely done...it's so pretty...but now it's almost hard to see her picture there...when it was just her name it didn't really click that she was buried there...now with her cute little face right there in front of you...it's hard...but it's so pretty and so suiting for our little Emmalee. Enjoy the pictures!

Sunday Night

2008-09-03T17:54:00.005-05:00

Well your prayers must have worked! I had just one little serving of taco meat left over after all had been served at the Ronald McDonald House dinner! I'm talking like only one taco could have been filled with the amount I had left! Plenty of lettuce, cheese, shells, and chips left though! Four bags of lettuce to be exact! But it was a really fun night. It was good to be back and a little hard. You kinda miss being in that environment...because if you were there that would mean you would have a child to be there for. And yet I don't envy the couples and families we met there. We met one family from WI that had been there previously...only to have to come back as soon as they got to their home because their sons cancer had come back...they've been there since March (Jon and I thought they looked familiar) and they hope to be home right after Thanksgiving...the kid said that was okay with him just as long as they were home for Christmas and his birthday. What a good attitude! And then there was the couple from Menominee, WI who had a baby born prematurely....he told us that he had built up time off from working overtime this last winter snow plowing (he works for the highway dept.) and that even though that time was running out all of his co-workers were donating their days off so that he could stay down there with his wife and baby. Jon and I were talking...stories like that really should be on the news...the goodness of people in today's world...you don't hear stories like that very often. There were a lot of couples there who had babies in the NICU...it was fun talking to them and about their experiences...and we all agreed...all the nurses up there are wonderful! So in all it was a very successful night and a very rewarding and fun night! And we got to deposit a bunch of pop tops in their big house box...that was fun for the kids! We can't wait to do it again! Other than that...we've been busy getting our house and our yard ready for the party we are having at our house on September 14th...we invited all of Emmalee's doctors and nurses...we just wanted to give them a proper thank you and figured this would be a fun way to do it...we just hope we have a good turnout...we'd love to see them all again! Sometime I'll have to post pictures on here of our transformation! It's looking so nice...Jon is really doing a good job! And...this weekend is Defeat of Jesse James weekend...so it will be full of fun activities! It's always a good time around Northfield. Also...one more note...Emma's headstone should be completely finished this weekend when the granite piece with her picture gets placed! Exciting! Well...hope you all have a great week...we'll chat with you later!

Ronald McDonald House

2008-08-27T19:32:00.005-05:00

Hi all! I am happy to report that this week has been a very good week (so far;) ). Looking at your comments it amazes me that God laid us on your hearts to pray for us...how awesome is that?! And I appreciate them so much. I've told some of you that I just think those 13 days every month (for awhile) will affect me...when I see the dates...and realize that Emmalee would have been 4 months...or...I can't believe 4 months ago I was visiting my little girl in the NICU...or 4 months ago my Emma had heart surgery...or 4 months ago we lost our Emmalee. Anniversaries have a way of affecting us...most of us can remember exactly where we were on 911....most of us can remember where we were when we lost our grandma...or grandpa...most of us remember our happy moments as well...the day we met our husband/wife...the day our husband proposed to us...I still can remember where I was on July 24th, 1988...I was at my cousins Bible School...sitting outside...and having my mom and uncle come and get us to tell us that our Grandma Mary had passed away. And that's been 20 years....I sent my mom flowers this year....because I knew it would be a hard day for her...20 years later and when that anniversary comes around I pray extra hard for her 'cause I know it's hard not having a mom around. And so...I know that April 10-23 will always be a hard time of the year for me...but I think for awhile the 10th through the 23rd every month will be hard...that's just the way it is. Anyway...now I'm just rambling. I titled this entry as the Ronald McDonald House because I'm excited to be able to go serve a meal there this Sunday and I've been working on getting ready for Sunday today. I went to Sam's Club and got all the stuff and I've been cooking up hamburger like crazy to freeze so it's ready for Sunday...tacos are on the menu:)...every Sunday and Wednesday night (and sometimes Tuesdays) a group comes into the Ronald House and serves a meal for the families there...let me tell you what a blessing that was to come "home" to after a long day at the hospital. We knew we'd have a hot meal...and we didn't have to cook it! So Jon and I wanted to give back...so we recruited the Feldman side (the Watts' are serving at a later date) and we go down on Sunday night...I'm excited...can you tell! If you all live near a Ronald House I'd encourage you to look into serving a meal...I know they'd greatly appreciate it! And I just can't tell you how much the Ronald House means to us...they were there for us when we needed them...when I think of the House I think of these verses from the Bible:

Then the King will say to those on His right hand, "Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me."

Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, "Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?" And the King will answer and say to them, "Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me."

Aren't those good verses to live by. I need to remember to look around me more often and see those around me who need me. Well I'll quit rambling for now....just pray that we don't run out of food on Sunday...that would be so embarrassing! I hate guessing how much food to make or prepare...but I think I'm set! But I'm so excited to meet some of the people living at the House now...so many different stories and different walks of life...I just pray we will be a blessing to the people we will serve on Sunday. Well...I'm going to go for now...talk to you all next Wednesday...I'll let you know how it went!

Washed by the Water

2008-08-20T21:33:00.004-05:00

Hi all! Well I think it's getting easier again. I can't really explain it to you all but I'll try. I think the fact that I should have been celebrating my birthday with my four month old daughter (if you recall we both have birthday's on the 10th...hers April...mine August) really put me in a funk...it's not like I was depressed or anything...I was just sad...and kept reliving all of our 13 days we had with Emmalee. I thought about the day of her surgery...how we were waiting for the news that they were finally done and she was on her way up to her room...I remember sitting in the waiting room and all of a sudden I remembered that Survivor was on...I thought I could try to watch that and try to take my mind off of what was going on. Well...it did help a little until the two nurses came and got us and told us that the doctor needed to talk to us again. You know that feeling in your stomach...it hurts and it feels nervous...I almost have that right now just thinking about how I felt then. Argh...we had to take that long walk (well it felt long) down the stark white hallway...down to the meeting room right outside the surgical rooms. And then we waited...and Dr. Burkhart came in...I will never forget the tired and defeated look he had on his face. Remember...he had already talk to us once....the surgery had gone fine but she just needed a little help so they put her on the ECMO machine...now...they had a whole different problem...her body threw a clot...did it go to her brain....did it not...only time will tell. Yes...this past week I was reliving all these memories in my head...it doesn't seem like four months could already have passed...and yet sometimes it seems so much longer. My arms ache sometimes...I just want to hold my baby. My good friend Sarah (hi Sarah) had twin girls in July and so she lets me come over and help her out and hold them...and that is so much fun...and yet it doesn't feel the same...how could it? You just want to feel this bond that only a mother and child can feel. But...and I know some days this feels like a big but (no pun intended!)...my day will come. It might be awhile...depending on how this body of mine works...or you never know...maybe God has a different way in which He'll make us parents...but I do believe that someday we will become parents and that ache and hurt will soften a bit. And I press on because I look forward to that day and time in our lives! Also, I think these past 10 days have been hard because (and this is going to sound crazy to some of you...and that's okay...someday maybe you'll understand) I believe that the devil has been trying to get at me...I feel like he is trying to discourage me and make me doubt in myself and who and how big God really is. It's easy for us to get into these pity parties for ourselves and sometimes it's hard to get out (not that I'm saying it's not okay for me to grieve...). One big event in my life just happened on Sunday...I finally got baptized! I never had been and always wanted to (well actually to be honest I was always a little nervous to get dunked in front of everyone) but it never really worked out...then our church was holding a baptism service out at Crystal Lake and so my whole family decided to do it. My dad was the first, even though he's been baptized before, he said he didn't really remember it so he wanted to do it again. Jon and I decided that we'd do it...this year has been such a true test of my faith and I have to say that it's stronger now that ever before. I was watching the Steven Curtis interview with Larry King and his wife Mary Beth said something like this...I have been all the way to the bottom and the foundation is still strong (or something along those lines)...and I totally feel that way...I know what she's saying and what she means. All that I've ever believed in and said that I believe in is true...it's been proven to me over this past year. What's that song...the foolish man built his house on the sand but the wise man built his house on the rock...and when the rain came down and the flood came up and the foolish mans house went splat but the wise mans house stayed firm. I have built my foundation on the Rock and He remained solid! So...getting back to the baptism...Jon and I decided that it would be a good time to do it. Then my mom had been baptised as an infant so she wanted to do it again and then Sam decided he didn't want to be left out :) so he joined us as well! It was a beautiful day and a beautiful service! And I truly believe that the devil was trying to get at me this week because (and Jon too) because he knew we were going to do this on Sunday...there were a couple times where we said...I don't think we should do it...I'm just not feeling good enough...or this just doesn't seem right...I'm not ready...and that took a toll on me. But I just said no...I'm doing it...it's going to be great. And you know what...this week has already been easier than last. Well anyway...I'll get off my soapbox now :) and wish you all a good week. Oh...on a little side note...my co-worker, Chris, had his surgery...all went well with that...we went down to see him at Mayo (which also brought back memories) and when we were down there we got to see Connie, one of Emma's nurses...that was fun. Chris was recovering at home when he went numb on his left side. They took him back down there and I guess he had a small stroke but he is doing better now and he's even back at work (which I've told him is crazy but he doesn't listen to me!)...anyway...thank you all for your prayers for him...I know he greatly appreciated it! And on one more side note...have you all been enjoying the Olympics? I'm quite annoyed actually...here I think I don't like to watch them...and now I can't go to bed because I'm glued to what's happening! Maybe that's part of my emotional problem...I'm tired 'cause I'm up watching the Olympics!:) I have to go to bed now! Take care!

Hard Day

2008-08-13T21:33:00.003-05:00

Hi friends. I don't know really why it is but today seemed like a hard day. And I think I'll just leave it at that for now. I promise I'll write more next week. I hope you all have a great week...take care of yourselves! Oh...wait...I do have one prayer request...tomorrow my friend Chris (who is also my co-worker) is having his surgery to fix the hole in his heart...please pray for his surgeons and for his nerves :) Well...until next week...

8-8-07

2008-08-08T14:53:00.003-05:00

I will never forget this day just one year ago. Quite possibly one of the happiest days of my life (of course marrying Jon and the birth of Emmalee are at the very top...but this one follows close behind)...this was the day I found out I was actually going to become a mom. I remember right where I was and what I was doing....I was working. I knew that I would find out this day because I had to go take a blood test to find out...when you do fertility treatments that's just part of it...and I had peed on so many sticks in the past...just to find out that I was not pregnant...that I was not going to do that this time...why be disappointed again. The funny things was that this was the first time I thought that I wasn't pregnant...didn't think it had happened. So anyway...back to the day. We had gone out to eat for my birthday at work (which is also one of the reasons I will never forget this day...it's 2 days before my birthday and what could have been a better birthday gift...in fact Jon took me away last year on my birthday and we celebrated the whole weekend the fact that we were going to be parents!) and I didn't feel 100%...not sick...just not right...I had the feeling that I was really, really full and I hadn't eaten that much at all. Well we got back to the shop and the clinic still hadn't called so I called them because I knew they closed at 3:30...the secretary told me that they had gotten a fax with my results and she'd have a nurse call me...well she didn't sound too positive so I didn't get my hopes up. My next client came in and I told her that I was waiting for a call from my dr. office and that if I got it I needed to excuse myself...well at around 3:30 the nurse finally called...and wouldn't you know it...she said, "well, your pregnant"...now understand this is the nurse that is not my favorite at the clinic and she's not the warmest person...so this was her being excited for me...I just kept saying...you have to be kidding me...you have to be kidding me. And now I have to go back and finish my client....well I did...I might have been shaking a little more....when I told her at her next appointment what that phone call really was about she asked me how I ever finished her haircut! I don't know...but she didn't have any complaints about it so it must have been okay! And then wouldn't you know I had my dad next...and of course I couldn't tell him because I hadn't even told Jon yet...in fact I lied to Jon and said that I hadn't gotten the results yet and now they were closed! More on that later. Anyway...dad came in...haircut...and then dinner...and I still had that feeling in my stomach but I sucked it up and ate anyway (my second time at Applebees that day) and he sat there telling me to not get discouraged...that someday I'd have kids...it was a nice talk and all the while I'm trying not to smile because I know something. Thanks dad by the way...you always know the right things to say (he's the one who had to listen to me complain at the age of 20 that I was never going to find a husband...and he'd tell me to be patient...you will sometime...you have plenty of time...and then on my 21st birthday again telling me that I wasn't getting old and I'd find someone soon...I met Jon 2 months later!...again...thanks dad). So anyway...after dinner I went home and Jon still wasn't there...and so I put his little gifts out by the bathroom sink for him...bib and onesies that said "I love my daddy"...and then I decided that I wanted to see the 2 pink lines so I took the home pregnancy test that I had and home...and finally...I got to see what I had longed to see...2 pink lines! Well Jon got home and I had all that sitting on the counter...he went in to take a shower and I just waited outside the door...waiting for him to see his little gifts...and I waited and waited and waited...I thought he'd see them right away...all of a sudden the door flew open and he asked if this was for real...and I said...yep...I lied to you...they called today to confirm it! Oh happy day!

8-8-07 -- 8-8-08

What a year! I was just reflecting on it on my way home. And today I cried. I haven't cried in a least a week or more...but today I did. It all hit me. Last year I was so excited that I was going to have a baby to celebrate my birthday with...our lives were going to change forever...and that scared the crap out of me...but I was happy! Yes...a lot can happen in the course of a year...and our lives have been changed forever. And for the good. I wouldn't change a thing about this past year...it's exactly the way it's suppose to be...even if I don't like it sometimes. Thank you for being on this journey with us...all your love and support and prayers have been so encouraging to us. We put this on the front of Emmalee's stone:

God used this one little girl,
with her special little heart,
to change the world forever!
God is good, all the time!

And I definitely find this statement to be true. Thanks for letting me share this special memory with you...I hope you all have a wonderful 8-8-08!

Tragedy in little ole Nerstrand

2008-08-06T21:45:00.004-05:00

Hi all! I'm not going to write much tonight...one because I'm just pooped and two because I don't have too much pressing here to write. But if you live around here (or anywhere in MN) you've likely heard that there was a horrible accident in Nerstrand involving a 6 year old girl and a 3 year old boy. The story is that the 6 year old little girl was upstairs with her 3 year old brother and she found a gun (a pretty big handgun...a 357 if that means anything to anybody...it didn't to me) in a night stand of her mom's boyfriend...they haven't lived here in town very long...I've only seen the little boy once...cute kid...anyway...I guess there were 5 out of 6 live rounds in the gun and the first time she shot it nothing happened...and so she pulled the trigger again and it went off and hit her brother in the back of the head...they did fly him out of here but he later died at the hospital from his wounds....it's just so sad. I feel so bad for the little girl...last night I just kept praying for her that God would just guard her thoughts...guard her heart...guard her sight...just please Lord send someone to GUARD HER!!! From what I've heard they may not have had the greatest family life...some in town I guess had thought about calling child services but no one had...now they feel bad for not doing so. And they were also sending in counselors to be with the first responders because I guess of the nature of the accident and what they saw...if these grown people can't handle it...how do they think this little 6 year old girl will do?! I just pray that God wipes her memory of this and that she will be able to live a normal life. And like Jon says...at least her little brother is in Heaven now...maybe he didn't even know what happened...one minute he's playing upstairs with his sister...the next minute he's playing in Heaven with our Emmalee...I'm sure she's showing him the ropes. Oh wait...what am I saying...she's just a baby! Well who knows...they are together...that's the only sure thing I know...and Jesus is taking good care of them:) So please just continue to keep this family in your prayers...especially this little girl. One side note on this...I have now seen the media in action...they were trying to get any information from any of us that happened to be out and about...it was pretty interesting to watch...they were looking to see if anyone had a picture of this little boy...actually any info at all...but like I said...they were new to town and no one really knew too much about them except for the fact that they were seen around town by themselves...anyway...it's interesting...even if I did have a picture or info...would I really give it out?! But I guess people do...that's how we get the news! And onto the other news from our house...Emmalee's stone is in place! We had everyone come out on Sunday to watch...it was kinda fun watching Jon work the skid loader to place the rock...and then watching the other guys trying to help him get it just right...thank you to our family who came out to help and to be a part of this special moment. I'll post the picture for you all to see...the hole in the top is for her picture...the granite piece still isn't done so I'll put in another picture when it's all complete. Well I think that's all for now...hope some of you were able to catch Steven Curtis Chapman and his family on Good Morning America this morning...it was a nice interview...how their faith is helping them get through losing their little girl...I could relate with some of what they said...very inspiring...but I knew it would be...his songs are amazing...he definitely let's God's Word shine through! Oh...one more thing...I was reading Ryan and Lora's caring pages yesterday (they were the couple we met while at the RM House...she had cancer and had to deliver their baby early so she could start treatments)...anyway...it sounds like the cancer and tumors are gone from her body...she still has a few treatments left and a bone marrow transplant but it all sounds very encouraging! Praise God! God is good all the time! Well...now I think that's all! Hope you all have a great week!

So there it is...pretty huh! When it's completely finished I'll post pictures of all the details on here...so you can actually see what the stone says and all...on the back of the rock we put her Child of Faith poem...it's really nice. Talk to you all later!

Kindness and Truth

2008-07-30T19:30:00.005-05:00

Hi all! I won't bore you with a lengthy update today. Not much is new with us...we are keeping busy with work...poor Jon has been working out in this awful heat...the humidity is the worst! But it's summer and we should just enjoy it because the cold will come sooner or later!:) Anyway...we are still doing good...healing all the time. I still have clients who come in who haven't heard or I run into people on the street and again it's that feeling of feeling bad because I have to tell them what happened...and that makes them feel bad. But at least I can get through that with out tearing up! It's such a joy talking about her and how much we love her...and what an amazing little girl we had on our hands:) A little update on my lump....I went back into the doctor today...he said that it was a lot smaller and that it still just feels like a lymph node that was irritated because of the drainage from my acne...he still was not concerned about it...he said that he has one under his throat that he's had for 30 years! And he said mine might not ever go away completely...and that's okay. So...good news there...now I'll stop worrying about it! And some of you have asked about my Emmalee Wagon Garden...and I'm happy to report that it's doing well...here's a couple pictures to prove it:

Aren't they pretty? I just love all the flowers in her wagon! And again I will leave you with a little snippet of what I've gained from my Bible this week....God's truths and promises just coming out to bless me and Jon...showing us that He does love us and that He is with us. Again I am reading about David...I have finished 1 Samuel though and moved on to 2 Samuel. Saul had died and David was talking to the the men of Judah...they told David that it was actually the men of Jabesh Gilead (and really...who does know how to pronounce some of these names in the Bible!) that buried Saul...he was very pleased with these men and wanted to tell them so. In verse 6 he says to them, "And now may the Lord show kindness and truth to you." I just feel like this is what God is doing for us now. He's sending us kindness through other people...by the letters and e-mails you send us...by you asking how we may need help...just by little simple gestures...by my lump not being anything and giving me a total peace of mind about that (and some of you know that I tend to over worry about things!)...etc... And we know that He's sent us His truth already...the truth that we will see Emmalee again...the truth that this world is not the end...and even though we miss her...she's okay and she will be waiting for us! That is an awesome TRUTH! Well that's all for today folks! I hope you have a wonderful week...and I know that I've eluded to it for weeks but Emmalee's stone should be done by next week for sure! Be looking for pictures!

Strengthened

2008-07-23T21:50:00.003-05:00

Hi everyone! It's good to talk to you all! Today was a good day as I was working on my little Emmalee's scrapbook. As most of you know, I love to scrapbook and make cards. So there was no question that I was going to do a book for Emma. But this has probably been the hardest book I've done, not because it's sad to do, but because I just want everything to be perfect for her. So far I think it's going okay. And I'm having fun doing it! Anyway...we also went and looked at the stone for Emmalee and made the final decisions on it. So it should be done within the next 2 weeks, I think. This stone is huge, everyone...we went up to the cemetery tonight after we were done and we were like, man...this stone is going to look huge out here...but I like that...something different and something that really stands out. And plus, I figure, her little body didn't take up much room so she deserves to have a big stone on her plot! Well...not too much else new with us. Oh yeah...we finally got her glider for her room...a little late don't you think?!? But it was back ordered and it just finally got here so we went and picked it up on Sunday. It was worth the wait because we really do like it...but poor Emma...if she would have made it she wouldn't have been rocked until now! That's a long time. So, thank goodness her siblings someday won't have to wait...they'll be rocked from the moment they come home from the hospital. Well I'll let you go...I'll just leave you with a little bit I've gained from my Bible this week...it still amazes me that God can still speak to us...it might not be audibly but through His Word you can still hear Him...and it also amazes me that I have read these words before and yet at that time they didn't stand out to me...He really knows what we need when we need it. So here it is:

I have been reading in 1 Samuel and these verses came out of Chapter 30. David had just come back to his camp with his troop only to find that it had been invaded and their women and children and all their stuff had been taken. Well...needless to say his men were very distraught and were mad at David...this is what verse 6 says:

"Now David was greatly distressed, for the people spoke of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and his daughters. But David strengthened himself in the Lord his God."

Did you read that...after all David had gone through, after all, he had lost his two wives too, he chose to strengthen Himself in the Lord. I feel like me and Jon have done that too...we have found this supernatural strength...everyone asks us how we could be doing this well and I keep saying that it's because God has given us this strength to go on. And we turn to Him to keep strengthening us as we go on during these weeks, months, and I'm sure, years. It also goes on to say:

Verse 8
"So David inquired of the Lord, saying, 'Shall I pursue this troop? Shall I overtake them?'
And He answered him, 'Pursue, for you shall surely overtake them and without fail recover all.'"

I don't know...maybe I'm reading too much into this but I just feel like God gave me these verses to say...go ahead, Ali and Jon, have more kids....you will have more and you will be good parents...keep going on this road I have taken you...I know it's hard but you're doing good and you will get through it...you will conquer and you will prevail...and you will be better because of it. So that's what we are going to do. Again...we thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers...it never gets old hearing that...so thank you for telling us. We love you all...have a great week!

Another Week

2008-07-16T21:43:00.004-05:00

Hi all! Hope this blog finds you all doing well! We are doing good. Few sad times here for me but doing well. On Sunday we went to church and of course we had to sing the song that brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it now...followed up by It Is Well With My Soul...tears tears tears! The song was Blessed Be The Name...for those of you who don't know the song, these are the lyrics...it's not until the bridge that I really lose it...here they are:

Blessed Be Your Name

In the land that is plentiful

Where Your streams of abundance flow

Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name

When I'm found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's 'all as it should be

'Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there's pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say