April 23, 2011

Oh my dear Emmalee...you've been gone from us for 3 years now. I still can't believe it. I have so much to say and I am so tired tonight. We celebrated your life all day today and talked about what we were doing 3 years ago...and we reflected on all the memories we made with you. You are always in our hearts and always on our minds...we miss you sweet baby girl...Heaven was already a wonderful place but now that you are there I long for it even more :) I'll write more later on all that we did today and all the emotions that went into it...but for now I am tired and I got to get ready for bed...tomorrow is Easter...and I can't believe that you get to spend the day with the King of Kings...

I love you...and always will!
Mommy

My Dearest Emmalee:

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl! I'm pretty sure that I was up this early the day of your birth too...if not even earlier. Just knowing you were coming was enough to make it hard to sleep...let alone the fact that I was huge and uncomfortable :) Oh Em, how I miss you so. You would have been 3 today...I can't believe that. It seems like it's gone so fast and so slow all at the same time. I woke up this morning with such a heavy chest...I had a dream we were back in the hospital but this time we were just there to visit and someone else was losing their baby...and I knew exactly how they felt...and when I woke up my chest hurt so bad...I must have been really tense while I was dreaming it...and then the tears came...and they are still coming. Three years is a lot of time and a lot of healing has been done, but three years is also so short and the hurt is still there...I can't wait to see you in Heaven so I can see what you would have looked like...what you would have sounded like...what your personality would have been like. I bet you would have been really sweet with a streak of stubbornness in you :) A good mix of your momma and daddy! hahaha! Just kidding! But wait I will and that time will go fast I'm sure...and Em...as much as I miss you I'm so glad that you are up there and that you are perfect and healed...I really think that your life here would have been so hard and so filled with trips to the doctor and hospital to have more surgeries...and I'm so glad that you don't have to worry about that...'cause can I tell you a secret...your momma is a worrier...I know that we are not suppose to be and I really try hard not to but worry is definitely one of my downfalls...and I was so worried that you would be 10 years old and that you would be worried about your heart all the time...worried that it would give out on you (and now from what I've read, heart transplants aren't out of the question for kids with hypoplastic left hearts...as they get older a lot of them end up needing them)...and I didn't want that for you...I wanted you to live your life without worries...without a care in the world...and even though I would wish you back in a heartbeat...it does me good knowing that you never for one second had to worry in your life...because worrying is a bad feeling. And it does me good knowing that you have lots of friends and family up there to play with...we've lost a lot of good people in the 3 years that you've been gone and every time I wonder..."have they met Emmalee yet?"...and I also bet that you are doing a good job keeping your brothers in line too...make sure to give Owen and Cooper a big hug from mommy and daddy. Well my sweet girl I better wrap up this letter. I just wanted to write and tell you how much I miss you. And to let you know that you are never far from my mind. Three years ago was one of the happiest days of my life...when you entered it at 3:16 p.m. my whole life change...in a good way. You've touched a lot of peoples lives little girl and I know there are many waiting to meet you some day. We are going to celebrate your life again today by flying our kites and releasing our balloons...if you get a second you might want to look down and see...it will be pretty...but I know you are probably having too good of a time up there to check in on us :) Happy Birthday again my sweet Emmalee...you are loved!

Love

Mommy (and Daddy and Natalee)

This was you...all fresh and new. This is one of my favorite (well they are all my favorite) pictures of you...it was the first time I really got to see you because after I pushed you out they said "open your eyes" and so I did and they held you up real quick and then they were taking you out of the room already...you were so beautiful even with the goop still on your head...and little did we know at the time this picture was taken what the next 13 days would hold...which is a good thing...right here in this picture was bliss...after this the roller coaster ride started...but I love in this picture how you looked like you were saying "hi dad...I'm here!" So sweet Emmalee. We love you.

To: My Sweet Boys

It doesn't seem possible that 2 years ago today I said hello and good-bye to you all in a very short 38 minutes total. I can't even put into words how I even feel about that. Those 19 minutes that I had with each of you has left me with a lifetime of memories...not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wonder what you would have looked like, what you would be doing now, what your personality would have been like, what my house would have looked like with 2 trouble makers running around, how different our lives would have been...I could go on and on and on...but obviously you weren't meant to stay...God had your days numbered before you were even conceived and you lived exactly the number of days in my tummy that you were suppose to and the exact number of minutes on this earth too! And now you're in the glorious presence of Jesus and all of us here are a little jealous :) The one good thing is that I don't have to worry about you...I know that you are safe in the arms of Jesus and you will be there to greet me when my number of days on earth are done...which I told your daddy will be before his are 'cause I'm tired of burying people...so we agreed we'd go together so we will both get to see you two at the same time :) haha! You two will always be my sweet baby boys and my heart will always have a little piece missing from it...that is until we meet again and all will be made right and whole again...it will be at that time that your daddy and me will have our complete healing! :) So happy birthday to my boys...I hope Heaven has the biggest cake for you today...I love you and can't wait to hold you again...give Emmalee a hug from me too...and until we meet again...

I love you!

Mommy