5 years

Oh Emmalee...how can it be true.  You would have been 5 today.  Say it ain't so.  Tell me that that much time hasn't passed already.  We miss you so much.  Not in the miss you wish you were here sense (because we know you are where you are suppose to be) but in the miss and wonder what you would have been like...who you would have been.  What you would have looked like.  Who you would have acted like.  What would your life have looked like.  All those wonders make me miss you.  And make me miss the time that we had with you.  Those thirteen days were some of the hardest and best days of my life all rolled into one.  I can still to this day smell the hospital...for whatever reason I will get a whiff of it every so often and it brings me right back to the sink in the NICU...scrubbing with the soap and little brush and then using my foot to push the pedal to rinse it all off.  And then the smell of the sanitizer outside of your room that we would have to use each and every time we entered to see you...it all comes back to me and makes me think of you :)  You were so tiny and so so cute...you looked so big to me but in all reality you were tinier than any of your siblings that are still on this earth...you were only 6 lbs but next to all those other babies in the NICU you looked huge!!  When Charlie was born he was 6 lb 15 oz...almost a full pound bigger than you...and he was tiny!!  But after your surgery we got to get a glimpse of what you might look like at 3 months old...your poor body was so swollen from all the meds and fluids from your surgery.  They tried to prepare us for that...I don't think anyone can fully be prepared for what was reality...what the surgery did to you.  I am so thankful that we went through the surgery...we had to or you would have no chance at life...but looking back at pictures I wonder if you suffered at all.  Your daddy would say no...he fully believes that God took  you to Heaven the day you went in for surgery...that you were already safe in God's arms.  I don't know what I believe except for the fact that you were meant to go through what you did...we were meant to have you as our first born...and we were meant to share your story so that others might see the Love of God and the Strength of God and know that God is good ALL the time.  We miss you our sweet Emmalee.  Time has healed wounds but we will never be fully healed until we get to Heaven and receive our full healing...as you did on April 23, 2008.  Until that time we will keep missing you and sharing your story and living for the Lord...so that when we get up there you can introduce us to Jesus and we can hear the words "Well done good and faithful servant."  Emma...I hope you have the best birthday party in Heaven today...celebrate big with Owen, Cooper, and Oliver and all the friends that have joined you.  We love you and will celebrate you today.  When I asked Natalee whose birthday it was today she pointed to your picture on the wall and said "my baby Emma's!"  That made my heart glad.  She knows who you are and she's pretty sure that you'll be in her tummy someday :) hahaha!  We all know that won't happen but if she chooses to name her first girl after you well then I think that would be pretty cool.  Again my sweet girl...Happy Birthday...we love and miss you.  Always.

Love
Mommy

This is one of my favorite pictures of you!!  You looked so cozy...even with all those tubes...like you were sunbathing on a beach :)  If you were still with us on Earth you would have had snow on your 5th birthday!!  Crazy! 

My Sweet Boys

Four years have passed...four years since I've held your tiny bodies...four years since I've heard your little squeaks...four years since I've seen your little chests breathing your first and last little breaths...four years since I've seen your little heartbeats beating in your chests...four years since I've felt the warmth of your little bodies...four years since I've kissed your little heads...but not four years since I've last thought about you...wondered about you...and thanked God for your little lives.  Ahhh...can it really be four years today?!  As I think back to that terrible night, feeling so scared and ultimately knowing in my heart of hearts what was going to happen and trying to wish and pray it away, I still wonder why it had to be that way...why my body just gave out on carrying you two...why it couldn't have been just a few weeks later when you would have had a chance at life outside the womb...I know my questions will never be answered this side of Heaven and that's okay...but I also want you to know that I also feel such joy that I was able to meet you the morning of February 8, 2009...that you were born so alive and that God was so present with us that morning and still is near...even four years later.  I can't even begin to imagine with my earthly mind what you two have been able to experience in your lives already...what Heaven must really be like...I can only imagine that it is amazing!! And I can only imagine that I'm the one missing you and not the other way around...you are in the arm of our Heavenly Father, the one who loves you (and ALL of us) the most.  Your momma's arms ache for you but my arms are nothing compared to His...I can't wait to be held by Him too :)  Happy Earthly and Heavenly Birthday to the two cutest twin sons this momma could of ever had and has ever seen.  I miss you so much and long for the day that I get to be with you again.  It does bring me such joy (and sometimes sorrow) to know that you have your sister Emmalee and Oliver too along with many friends...Porter, Morgan, Gage, Matthew, John, Emma, Myah, Danny, Billy, Elaina, Hope, Gus, Halen, Audrey, Grace, Abby (and I'm sure I am missing some) to play with and run around Heaven with.  We have made so many connections with friends down here because of you and  your siblings...we have joined a club down here that none of us parents ever wanted to be a part of...but we are here and it is so nice that we do have each other to lean on and learn from.  So my beautiful boys...I love you.  I miss you.  Always.

Love
Mommy

Four years

Oh my sweet Emmalee. How can it be four years already? For some reason I have been anticipating this day coming for awhile and now it is finally here....you would have been four years old today! It is so bittersweet...for I know that you are fully healed and running and playing and praising Jesus in Heaven but I think of all that we have missed out on here with you and all that we would have been doing. At four you would be so independent not needing your momma to help you get dressed or helping you with anything probably! And we would have been looking into preschools for you to go to next year and you would be riding a bike. I'm sure my refrigerator would be covered in drawings and if you were anything like me I would be finding you little containers to collect all your "treasures" in :) Or...maybe you would be recovering from another surgery and maybe your heart would be so weak that you couldn't run outside and maybe we'd still be praying for your miracle of complete healing. It's thoughts like that that keep me going, knowing you are right where you belong...no matter how much I miss you! Oh Emmalee, you came into this world as a tiny 6 pound baby four years ago at 3:16 p.m. and you stole all our hearts...especially your mommas (and your daddy's!) and we miss you so! But we know that God had bigger plans for you and your short, sweet life and we give him praise all the time for you (and all your brothers!) and we are so grateful that we even got a chance to know you! When we first heard of your heart condition the doctors weren't even sure that we would get to meet you ever but you were a fighter and you came out strong and ready to live! We treasure ever day, hour, minute and second that you were here with us and we can not wait to be reunited with you again! But until then we will continue to tell others about you and about the awesome God that we served...the God that gave us you and the God that performed many miracles in your life...and the God that ultimately healed you and brought you to live with Him forever...and the God that is holding you now until we can again! God is good all the time! Emmalee, Happy Birthday sweet baby girl! We love you!!!

Momma

Feb. 8, 2012

My Dear Owen and Cooper-

It does not even seem possible that it has been three years since we briefly met on this earth. I still remember the day of your birth like it was yesterday. I was so sad that day because I was so not ready to be done carrying you. I had just started to feel you move inside of me and I cherished every kick and wiggle that I felt. I was so sad because I knew that you were not going to be staying with me...I was not going to get to watch you grow up...your dad wouldn't have two little helpers...I was just so sad. But the moment you were born I had this complete joy as I watched both of you take your teeny tiny breaths on my chest and I could see your little chests going up and down and see your little hearts just beating...those 19 minutes for you both (I still can't believe you both lived 19 minutes) were minutes I will never forget as long as I live. And as sad as I was I knew that you were going to be fine...you were going to be joining your big sister in Heaven and you were going to be held in the arms of Jesus...it doesn't get any better than that :) But on your birthday I just wanted to tell you that I still miss you and I love you. You will always have a piece of my heart until I am made whole again...when we meet again...in Heaven :) And I am sure that you are all too busy to be checking in on your momma down here but me and your daddy are doing good...your sister Natalee and your brother Bennett keep us really busy and we can't wait until they get old enough for us to tell them about you two and Emmalee and Oliver. And...we are going to be getting another sibling for you in April...how cool is that?!?! Pretty cool! :) Well I will wrap this letter to you up and hope that you had a great birthday in Heaven...I can't wait to get up there and try the cake :) I bet it is AMAZING!!

I love you two...until we meet again!
Mommy

April 23, 2011

Oh my dear Emmalee...you've been gone from us for 3 years now. I still can't believe it. I have so much to say and I am so tired tonight. We celebrated your life all day today and talked about what we were doing 3 years ago...and we reflected on all the memories we made with you. You are always in our hearts and always on our minds...we miss you sweet baby girl...Heaven was already a wonderful place but now that you are there I long for it even more :) I'll write more later on all that we did today and all the emotions that went into it...but for now I am tired and I got to get ready for bed...tomorrow is Easter...and I can't believe that you get to spend the day with the King of Kings...

I love you...and always will!
Mommy

My Dearest Emmalee:

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl! I'm pretty sure that I was up this early the day of your birth too...if not even earlier. Just knowing you were coming was enough to make it hard to sleep...let alone the fact that I was huge and uncomfortable :) Oh Em, how I miss you so. You would have been 3 today...I can't believe that. It seems like it's gone so fast and so slow all at the same time. I woke up this morning with such a heavy chest...I had a dream we were back in the hospital but this time we were just there to visit and someone else was losing their baby...and I knew exactly how they felt...and when I woke up my chest hurt so bad...I must have been really tense while I was dreaming it...and then the tears came...and they are still coming. Three years is a lot of time and a lot of healing has been done, but three years is also so short and the hurt is still there...I can't wait to see you in Heaven so I can see what you would have looked like...what you would have sounded like...what your personality would have been like. I bet you would have been really sweet with a streak of stubbornness in you :) A good mix of your momma and daddy! hahaha! Just kidding! But wait I will and that time will go fast I'm sure...and Em...as much as I miss you I'm so glad that you are up there and that you are perfect and healed...I really think that your life here would have been so hard and so filled with trips to the doctor and hospital to have more surgeries...and I'm so glad that you don't have to worry about that...'cause can I tell you a secret...your momma is a worrier...I know that we are not suppose to be and I really try hard not to but worry is definitely one of my downfalls...and I was so worried that you would be 10 years old and that you would be worried about your heart all the time...worried that it would give out on you (and now from what I've read, heart transplants aren't out of the question for kids with hypoplastic left hearts...as they get older a lot of them end up needing them)...and I didn't want that for you...I wanted you to live your life without worries...without a care in the world...and even though I would wish you back in a heartbeat...it does me good knowing that you never for one second had to worry in your life...because worrying is a bad feeling. And it does me good knowing that you have lots of friends and family up there to play with...we've lost a lot of good people in the 3 years that you've been gone and every time I wonder..."have they met Emmalee yet?"...and I also bet that you are doing a good job keeping your brothers in line too...make sure to give Owen and Cooper a big hug from mommy and daddy. Well my sweet girl I better wrap up this letter. I just wanted to write and tell you how much I miss you. And to let you know that you are never far from my mind. Three years ago was one of the happiest days of my life...when you entered it at 3:16 p.m. my whole life change...in a good way. You've touched a lot of peoples lives little girl and I know there are many waiting to meet you some day. We are going to celebrate your life again today by flying our kites and releasing our balloons...if you get a second you might want to look down and see...it will be pretty...but I know you are probably having too good of a time up there to check in on us :) Happy Birthday again my sweet Emmalee...you are loved!

Love

Mommy (and Daddy and Natalee)

This was you...all fresh and new. This is one of my favorite (well they are all my favorite) pictures of you...it was the first time I really got to see you because after I pushed you out they said "open your eyes" and so I did and they held you up real quick and then they were taking you out of the room already...you were so beautiful even with the goop still on your head...and little did we know at the time this picture was taken what the next 13 days would hold...which is a good thing...right here in this picture was bliss...after this the roller coaster ride started...but I love in this picture how you looked like you were saying "hi dad...I'm here!" So sweet Emmalee. We love you.

To: My Sweet Boys

It doesn't seem possible that 2 years ago today I said hello and good-bye to you all in a very short 38 minutes total. I can't even put into words how I even feel about that. Those 19 minutes that I had with each of you has left me with a lifetime of memories...not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wonder what you would have looked like, what you would be doing now, what your personality would have been like, what my house would have looked like with 2 trouble makers running around, how different our lives would have been...I could go on and on and on...but obviously you weren't meant to stay...God had your days numbered before you were even conceived and you lived exactly the number of days in my tummy that you were suppose to and the exact number of minutes on this earth too! And now you're in the glorious presence of Jesus and all of us here are a little jealous :) The one good thing is that I don't have to worry about you...I know that you are safe in the arms of Jesus and you will be there to greet me when my number of days on earth are done...which I told your daddy will be before his are 'cause I'm tired of burying people...so we agreed we'd go together so we will both get to see you two at the same time :) haha! You two will always be my sweet baby boys and my heart will always have a little piece missing from it...that is until we meet again and all will be made right and whole again...it will be at that time that your daddy and me will have our complete healing! :) So happy birthday to my boys...I hope Heaven has the biggest cake for you today...I love you and can't wait to hold you again...give Emmalee a hug from me too...and until we meet again...

I love you!

Mommy

Missing Emmalee...

Yep...today...and actually for the last couple of days...I've really been missing Emmalee. I've held Natalee especially close and just let myself wonder what it would have been like to really hold Emmalee. Sure...I did get to hold her close after she was gone...which would have been exactly 2 years ago this day and this time...but it wasn't the same...her life wasn't there to really hold...she was already being held by Jesus. I think her death anniversary brings up way more emotions than her birthday...I think it's because on her birthday we were just so excited that she was finally here and we had no idea of the road we were going to have to walk...for the 13 days that would follow her birth....for the next weeks, months and now...years. Thank goodness we don't know what the future holds 'cause I don't think I would have been able to do it if I knew what was coming. So...yes...her birthday is more of an exciting and happy memory...but these 13 days in between are more memories of what we were doing those days, what Emmalee was going through...like...on the 14th was the day of her first surgery...then the 17th was her big heart surgery...then two days ago it was the day of the "oh she's doing really good" to the "oh...I don't think she's going to make it...we should give her a few more days but I don't think it's going to be good". Jon and I were talking last night in bed...he was wondering how we even slept the night before she went to Heaven...and how did we even walk into the hospital knowing what we were going to have to do...what decision we were going to have to make. He said that he was ready on the Monday night just to let her go...but I was not. I thought...what if...just what if this could be fixed....and the doctors said...let's give her a few more days and see...they said that there would probably not be a change but you never know...and they also advised us that if one of us was not ready to let go then they wouldn't do anything because if one is not ready then they will always wonder "what if"...so true...by that Wednesday I knew that she was not going to get better....they let us be in on the ECHO of her heart and I could see the clots...and I knew...there was not a decision to be made...it was being made for us. Also, what makes it so hard is that not only did I lose a baby but I had to watch her go through all that she did. By the time it was all said and done, not only did Em have a heart defect and an esophagus issue but she had major brain damage. Ugh...what a crushing blow to hear that. Her brain was perfectly fine but because of these clots in her heart she developed brain damage. And even though I am really sad right now I won't stay this way because I am so glad that she doesn't have to deal with any of that anymore...she is perfectly healed in Heaven...no more heart defect...no more brain damage...perfect little body for a perfect little angel. And like I posted to Facebook...I'm missing Em today...but she is not missing me :) Thanks for letting me share my thoughts and my heart with you today. And thanks for the extra prayers you're sending our way. Make sure you hug your kids tight and tell them that you love them...I'm tempted to wake Emmalee's sister up right now to do just that...but I am smarter than that and I'll do it later :)

Did you find one of our balloons?

Well if you did would you please leave a comment here and let us know where you found it! We'd love to hear...and we thank you in advance for coming on our blog to do so! Have a great day!

A Celebration Recap

We had a great day celebrating what would have been Emmalee's 2nd birthday last Saturday. We couldn't have asked for a better day...well....a little more wind to fly our kites would have been nice but we still had fun. Leading up to the day I had been feeling way way under the weather...sore throat, runny nose, all the icky stuff...so the day of her birthday was still a little trying for me as I still wasn't feeling the greatest. But I didn't want to cancel so the party went on! I figured I didn't have a fever so I couldn't stay in bed! And I'm glad I didn't...it is so much fun celebrating our girl and having our family around to help us celebrate. We did the same thing as last year...we met out at Valley Grove (the cemetery) and we flew our kites for a while (until the wind totally died!) and then we took time to write messages to Emma...the kids take such a long time making sure their pictures are perfect before attaching them to their balloons...and then we had our balloon release. This year the balloons went straight up...and they kept going and going and going...it will be real fun if we get a few responses to see where they ended up! After that we headed back to our house and had tacos and cupcakes...yum! And of course we had a bonfire :) After everyone left I crashed...held Natee and just cherished her for the gift from God that she is...and then I went to bed :) All in all it was a great day! Can't wait to celebrate again next year!

Natee with her Aunt B...so glad that I have this little girl in my life...she definitely made the day a lot easier!

All the cousins together...still makes me sad that we have to get pictures like this to get them all together. From L to R: Julia, Greta, Logan Jack, Natalee, Luke, Carter, Lily, Ella, and Levi

Celebrating Emmalee

My Dear Emmalee

Today, baby girl, you would have been two! Two...can you believe it! You would have been such a big girl! Two years ago today I was up even earlier than I am today preparing for you...me and your daddy were so excited to meet you...we headed down to Mayo early to check in....your daddy was so surprised that I wasn't more nervous about experiencing labor...I wasn't nervous 'cause I knew I had to do it so that I could meet you! They started the drugs to induce labor, a few hours later they broke my water, and then at 3:16 p.m. you made your appearance in this world! Luckily the nurse told me to open my eyes when you came out otherwise I would have missed seeing you for the first time...they took you away so fast to try to help you and your precious little heart. As we know, that little heart of yours was kind of a tricky one. Your doctors tried so hard...they really did...I hope I never have to see that look of defeat on someones face ever again. In 13 days we'll also be celebrating the day that you went to be with Jesus...that's an exciting thing to celebrate...while we wish that you were still here with us, we can't think of a better place for you to be. Emma, if you were still here with us, we would probably be starting to prepare for your last surgery...to be honest...I don't know if your mama could take it. I've heard too many stories about little heart babies that have had such a rough time...yes the do get to stay here with their moms and dads but they have to go through so much, and baby, I think that would be so hard to watch...all the time knowing that I couldn't switch places with you. That would make me so sad. But what I wouldn't do just to have 1 more hour to hold you and cuddle you and tell you how much I love you! But...just as John 3:16 says (and I love the fact that you were born at 3:16!): "For God so love the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believe in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." We know that you have everlasting life Emmalee...you are not dead...you are alive! And you are healed! And we will see you again...and we will hold you again...and we will tell you that we love you again! And until that day we will continue to celebrate you and the life that you had...because Emmalee...you made a difference in this world and your story has touched so many people. So baby girl...Happy Birthday! I hope that Heaven has birthday parties...and lots of cake! Have a piece for your mom and dad and sister too! And remind your brothers that you only get 2 birthday spankings and not any more :) We love you Emmalee and will continue to miss you until we are together again!

Love

Mommy

P.S. Daddy prayed last night (as he does most nights) that God would give you and your brothers a big hug and kiss from us...I hope you liked them :)

Happy Birthday Owen and Cooper!

To my beautiful boys:

Happy 1st Birthday! Wow! It doesn't seem like one year has gone by since I said hello and goodbye to you. One year...really...it can't be! February 8th was not suppose to be your birthday...well...acutally...maybe it was. Who knows why God chose for that to be your special day...only He does...and I'm praying someday I will know why too. But until then I am comforted knowing that you are in His arms and He is taking care of you until your daddy and I get up there. And I'm sure your big sister is keeping tabs on you as well :) I wonder what you are doing for your birthday...probably having a big cake and some ice cream...if you were here we'd be having that for you...and maybe even a snowball fight as it has been snowing all day here...such a pretty sight. But instead we are just remembering you today and thanking God for your lives and how they've touched ours and many other people...you truly are two special little boys! We miss you so...we miss watching you grow and hitting your milestones...we miss your little noises that we never really got to hear...we miss your little bodies, which were just perfect even at such a young age...we miss just the very thought of you in our lives...we miss you. And now you have a new little sister who has come into our lives and she is bringing us such great joy. She will never replace you but will just add to the beauty that our family already is. I sometimes struggle with that. I don't want people to think that we were trying to replace you...and I know they don't really think that. I also feel guilty because I am so happy that she is in our family...and if you were here with us...she probably wouldn't have been. But God knew that Natalee was suppose to be our little girl and she was suppose to be your sister. And as Pastor Don said in his sermon the other day...God has taken us, your mom and dad, down a path that has led us to Natalee being in our family and He has great plans for us and her life. And we give Him all the Glory...because as you know boys...God is good, all the time! Well we love you so much and can't wait to be reunited with you someday! Until then be good (I don't really think you can be bad in Heaven) and give your big sis a kiss (ewe! I know!) from me. And watch over your little sister her on Earth...she's not as blessed as you are...she's going to have to face a scrapped up knee, having her heart broken, being sick, and countless other things that we have to deal with here on earth. Although we would wish you back in a heartbeat we know that you two are in a much better place and we sleep peacefully at night knowing this is the truth!

With all my love Owen and Cooper~

Mommy

Owen Timothy

Owen, I will never forget the moment they laid you on my chest. I couldn't believe that you were actually here with us. You were a little turkey...by the time I got to the hospital you already had your legs into the birth canal...I guess you couldn't wait to meet us either! You were so perfect and so tiny. I watched your chest rise and fall until they told me that you were gone. I cherished those 19 minutes with you and can't wait for another 19 more!

Cooper James

Cooper, I did ask God to let us keep you and ask that you would stay in but God must have known that your brother would need you in Heaven with him as you came into this world the moment your brother left us. When the nurse placed you on my chest you just made these little squeaks. I think you were a true fighter and you were going to fight for as much time here with us as possible. We treasured the 19 minutes that you were alive with us and we treasured the rest of that day that we got to just hold you and your brother and get to know you two. You also were so perfect and so tiny. You and Owen each had your own unique looks to you yet you could tell that you were twins. Sometimes looking at pictures of you two (when you're not together) I have a hard time telling you apart. Until we meet again son...I love you!

Two tiny beautiful boys who are loved so much and missed even more!

It turned out perfect...again!

So the other night (Monday) I crawled into bed and said to Jon..."well...we've done something today that we never thought we'd have to do...again." We finally got the boys' headstone done and we placed it next to Emmalee's on Monday. It was bittersweet, but so nice to have it done. I had been feeling guilty that it wasn't out there yet...yes we had a the sweet marker that my mom and dad had made out there...but I needed their permanent stone to be out there. We had actually picked out the stone earlier in the summer but couldn't figure out what exactly we wanted on it...Emmalee's turned out so good and is so special to us and we wanted Owen and Cooper's to be the same way. I think it turned out perfect. Well...I'll let you be the judge:

After looking at my pictures I took I realize I don't have a real close up of the top so I'll tell you what it says....

On the top:

Loved for 19 minutes on earth by their mom and dad...forever in Eternity

In the middle:

Given and Returned

February 8, 2009

God is good...all the time

Bottom:

How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news. Romans 10:15b

Then under both of their names we put their little footprints! They are the exact size of their little feet. I still don't know how he did it (they took a copy of the footprints off their birth certificate...then they make a stencil or something and then blast the stone...so I guess I know a little about how they do it...I still don't know how they do it with something so tiny!) but it's awesome and I'm so glad that they are on there...Owen and Cooper's little feet were kind of their thing with us...ever since that ultrasound picture when both of their feet were together we fell in love with their tiny feet! And when they were born I couldn't believe how perfect those little feet were...and how Owen's feet looked EXACTLY like Jon's! On Emmalee's stone we put her picture but for some reason we really didn't want to put their picture on their stone...just didn't feel right...but then when I thought about trying to get their footprints on there it just felt right. I think their stone turned out perfect!

See the cute little bird bath we also got...it fits perfectly between the two stones...and I think it's so cool looking...there are always feathers in there so I think the birds like it too! (They had the birdbaths at the same place we got the stone bench and the guy knew what we were going to do with the bench and so he gave us the birdbath for free...wasn't that sweet of him!?!)

And here is the final shot...our nice little memorial to our kids...I think it looks so nice and has a nice flow to it. It will be nice to have a little bench out there to sit and reflect. I know I've said it before but it's just so peaceful out there...if we have to have plots somewhere I'm glad we are out there.

Well that's what's new for us...tying up loose ends...and it feels good. The last thing we had to do for the boys. And I've told God that we can leave the other two plots alone for now...those are for Jon and I and I think they can remain empty for awhile...will you help us in praying for that...that we don't have to fill them with any more of our kids...that we will be given children and that they can bury us someday (when we are old and gray) and not the other way around...thanks :) Well you take care and I'll keep you updated on anything new in our lives!

So...what do you think?

See how fancy I have become?!? Do you like the new look of the blog? I do...at least for now! Well I just thought I'd get on here and tweak it a bit today...I figure my kids deserve a cute blog! I think I'll keep tweaking in the weeks to come but for today...I'm done! Hope all is well for everyone! I'll leave you with a passage that has spoken to me through all of our trials...it's Psalm 20:

1. May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;

may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.

2. May he send you help from the sanctuary

and grant you support from Zion.

3. May he remember all your sacrifices

and accept your burnt offerings.

4. May he give you the desire of your heart

and make all your plans succeed.

5. We will shout for joy when you are victorious

and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.

May the Lord grant all your requests.

6. Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed;

he answers him from his holy heaven

with the saving power of his right hand.

7. Some trust in chariots and some in horses,

but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

8. They are brought to their knees and fall,

but we rise up and stand firm.

9. Oh Lord, save the king,

Answer us when we call.

Yes Lord, we trust in You! And we know that someday you will give us the desires of our heart. But we also thank you for letting us experience Emmalee, Owen and Cooper...they truly were amazing! Hope you all were as blessed by that passage as I have been...have a great week!

Two Little Sets of Feet

There should have been two little sets of feet in our house this fourth of July. There should have been two little sets of feet in a stroller as we pushed them to the parade. There should have been two little sets of feet, in two little car seats as we drove to my mom and dad's for dinner. And there should have been two little sets of feet in our arms as we watched the fireworks from on top of a hill out at Valley Grove. But there was not. The 4th proved to be kind of a hard day for us here at the Feldman house. I remember thinking last October when we found out that we were pregnant, and in fact having twins..."Yes!...I will finally have that stroller to push to the 4th of July parade!" Not kidding...I did seriously think that. Because while I do love parades...there is something about watching a kid at a parade that is way more fun...and I couldn't/can't wait to watch my own kids. And I know...the boys would not have been old enough to enjoy this 4th of July...but they would have still been here...and I would have still been enjoying them:) We decided not to go to the parade this year...not necessarily because the boys weren't here and I thought it would be hard, but basically because we decided to go to my mom and dad's house instead...and I think that was a good choice. I really don't think I would have enjoyed it much this year...who knows...maybe next year. :) We had a really good time at my parent's house...Uncle Doug and Aunt Suzi were there, Auntie Pearl was there, and Sam and Britt joined us as well. As always...too much food and too little room in my tummy...although it didn't stop me. My mom had recently gotten her scrapbook done that she had done for Emmalee...it was very sweet...she had put in her e-mails that she had written to people during Emmalee's time at the hospital...little updates...well that has served as a great recording of what happened...as I was sitting there reading them I had to stop...my stomach was just in knots and it was just sick...it took me right back to those days...and while they were with Emma, they were still very hard days. To watch your baby go through all that...to hear your doctor say that she is in very serious condition...to see your doctor look like he had just had a sharp blow to his stomach after realizing that she might not make it...it was a little too much to relive for the day. So I looked through the rest of the pictures and I'll have to save reading for another day. I know Jon felt the same way...and I think we were already having a hard enough day as it was...it just made us miss all our babies even more. We hung out at my parents until about 8 and then headed home. We decided to again watch the fireworks from Valley Grove...it is so neat up there....we actually saw about 8 different towns fireworks displays...obviously you could see Northfields the best but it was still cool to see the others...even if they were pretty small. And as I was walking out there...in the dark...I kept thinking to myself...I used to be scared of cemetery's and you for surely wouldn't have caught me in one at night. But there is something about the kids being out there (even though I do know that it is only their bodies and they are really in Heaven...I'm not crazy!) that makes it so much more peaceful. And then it was off to bed after that...one more holiday down with out the two little sets of feet.





But really...there should have been three little sets of feet...

(this is a picture I had my sister-in-law Britt do for Jon for Father's Day. It is God's hands holding all of them...Emmalee, Owen, and Cooper in Heaven and Jon here down on earth...I think she did a fabulous job...thanks Britt)

Due Date

The first question you usually ask your doctor when you find out you're pregnant is....when is my due date. When do I get to look forward to my little blessing being here. I remember finding out the the boys would be born right before Father's Day and thinking...cool...Jon will have kids by next Father's Day...I was so happy for him. Well, obviously we know what happened and it was not meant to be that Jon would be celebrating Sunday with two babies on his lap...it's been four months and 11 days since we held our little Owen and Cooper. Their due date kept looming in front of me...reminding me that I didn't have anything to look forward to. Some days though I am surprised at how fast this time has gone...God's grace again! My sister-in-law and I did go shopping today...in fact I just got back from our trip...it was a great way to take my mind off of today...sure we did go by the Carter's store...and yes I did go in to look and to buy a baby gift...and yes it's hard not to just buy something for "someday"...but I restrained and kept telling myself that they will still have cute stuff when I do get to buy it...someday:) On our way down I threw out the question of...I wonder if time would have gone this fast if I still would have been pregnant...or would it have dragged on because for one I would have been huge and two because you are just so looking forward to it that sometimes time seems to go so slow. Well I guess we'll never know but I do thank God that this time has gone relatively fast and that He is giving us the strength to walk through yet another valley in our lives....I am going to reach that mountain top one of these days:) In church on Sunday during our worship there were two songs that really touched me...one was Great is Thy Faithfulness and the other was You Alone...here are some of the lyrics:

You Alone

Verse 2

You have given me more

Than I could ever have wanted

And I want to give

You my heart

And my soul

Chorus

You alone are Father

And You alone are good

You alone are Savior

And You alone are God

Great Is Thy Faithfulness

Chorus

Great is Thy faithfulness.

Great is Thy faithfulness.

Morning by morning new mercies I see.

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided.

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

Verse 3

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,

Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide.

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside.

And as I sang those words I got tears in my eyes...God has given me so much more than I could ever have wanted...He never said that He would give me kids (although I still hope He does) but even if He doesn't I know that He has blessed me greatly and I am so thankful to Him. And He is faithful...He said He will never leave us nor forsake us...and I can tell you honestly...He has not left us...if He had...we wouldn't be doing as well as we are. We are sad...yes...but we are not destroyed by grief. Thank you Jesus...thank you for giving us the strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow! Anyway...well when I started this post I had just gotten done shopping...then Jon came home and we went out to eat at a fancy restaurant...that was fun. Now it's off to relax on the couch and just enjoy being together. Thank you for all the prayers you said for us...I say it every time but every time I mean it...they helped a lot and we really appreciate them! Oh...by the way...we picked out the stone for Owen and Coopers marker at the grave...I'm not going to tell you anything about it until it's done...but let me just say...it's cool! Can't wait for you to see it, but you'll probably still have to wait a few weeks! I know...I'm mean...yes...I am a teaser:) Well I'll at least leave you with a few pictures from out at the cemetery. Enjoy:)

Here's our little plot...Jon planted a little tree right next to where the boys' stone will go...and as you can see...there's another wagon full of flowers:)

This time though is a Radio Missile wagon:)



So pretty...and my mom and dad again made a temporary marker for the boys until we get theirs done...it turned out really cute:)

Knecht's Nursery and Strese Tree moving donated three trees and their moving/planting to us in memory of the kids...we put them out at Valley Grove in the new part that they are going to make a cemetery some day...we can't wait to watch them grow. This one is Emmalee's tree...it's a Burr Oak...it should get to be a pretty cool looking tree...these pictures were taken right after they were planted...I'll have to get out there now and get some pictures of the now that they would have leaves on them:)

Here's Owen's tree...Owen and Cooper's trees are both Sugar Maples...but different kinds...we thought it be cool to get two trees the same yet different...since they were twins (fraternal twins) and all:)

Cooper's tree:)

And look what I caught in Cooper's tree...a blue bird!

I don't know why but I thought this was a cool picture of Jon...he's caring all his hose...I don't know how many hoses' we had to hook together to make it long enough to reach and water the trees in the field:)

April 23rd 2009

It was Emmalee's Heavenly Birthday...probably her most important birthday! Sorry I haven't had time to get on here and post lately...it just seems like life has been so crazy this past month. I wonder if every April will feel this way? Anyway...just a little recap for you all on what we did on April 23rd. We started out the day by going down to Rochester and getting cinnamon rolls from Daube's Bakery. If you've never had one of their cinnamon rolls I suggest that you stop what you are doing right now and go an get one. Well...maybe that's not realistic (and after all what you're doing right now is reading my blog) but I do recommend if you are ever in Rochester that you stop there and get yourself one. I don't think you'll be disappointed. After that we had a few errands to run and then we went to Sam's Club to pick up cupcakes so that we could bring those up to the doctors and nurses in the NICU and Heart Unit. Then it was on to our big event of the day...we had called a few of the nurses to see if they would want to meet us for lunch at Canadian Honkers...and guess what...some of them did! Actually more of them wanted to come but they had to work! We were so excited to see them again...we are so thankful that Emmalee had such great people taking care of her and we will forever be grateful to them and grateful to God for allowing us to go through this so we could meet all these wonderful folks! After lunch...which lasted 2 hours!...we went over to Mayo and first walked in the garden...we sat on the same bench that one year and a day ago I sat there and told Jon that there was no way I could plan a funeral for my daughter and I certainly couldn't sit through a funeral service for her (that was one my rationalization to God as to why He couldn't let Emmalee die...I thought it was a good one...but as we know He saw fit to take her Home and He proved to me that He would be with me). Well as we all know, God gives us the strength to get through what we need to and He proved Himself to me. I got through it...and 10 months later I did it again. And looking back I still marvel at how strong I was...God is good all the time. We didn't sit on that bench for too long, as it was in the shade and the other one in the sun was way more appealing, but we did sit in the park for awhile and just talk. It was nice. Then we took the treats, as well as some beautiful and sweet blankets that my mom made for other babies that will have to be in the NICU or Mary Brigh 5B (the heart unit), up to the units in the hospital...we got to see a few more of the special nurses that helped take care of our sweet baby girl and then we left Mayo (St. Mary's). I always hate leaving there 'cause I feel like I'm leaving Emmalee's place. Since she never got to come home with us I always feel a special connection to the Mayo and I know Jon feels it too. We always look up to the window where her room was...even though we never really took the time to look out of it while she was there....but to us that's her room and I think we'll always look up at it. The rest of the day we just hung out, got some DQ, and watched Survivor. It was a good day. Here are the pictures from our time at Canadian Honkers (another place you should definitely try...their beef stew was one of the only things Jon could eat that actually tasted good to him while Emmalee was in the hospital):

Jon with Connie (in the blue) and Breanna. These two ladies took care of Emmalee when she was in the NICU. They even came up to visit her after her heart surgery. We love them!

Me with Lori (in the middle) and Becky. Lori was Emmalee's nurse in the heart unit and was definitely a strong lady for us to lean on! She was there for us so much and we love her to death! She's the one who convinced the rest of the staff to let us hold Emmalee while she passed away...she made it happen. Thank you Lori! Becky is actually Lori's niece and she works in the NICU. She was never actually one of Emma's nurses but she did help out from time to time and even helped Breanna decorate her room up in the heart unit!

The group picture! The only thing better would have been a high chair sitting at the end of the table!

Thanks for taking the time to read our blog and thanks for keeping us in your prayers. We still can't believe that a year has gone by. One more thing...since it has been a year now I think that I am going to change this blog over to one for Emmalee, Owen and Cooper. I had created the other blog to update you all on what is going on in our lives and just every day kind of stuff. I hate that that one had to become a "sad" blog as well. So I'm going to dedicate this blog to all of our "Feldman Baby(s)" and keep the Feldman Crew blog as our everyday blog (not that I will post everyday...come on...you know me better than that!). But I do love having a place to write about our babies and what I am learning through it all...so I will do that here. Thank you all again.

April 23rd

Well we made it past one year. I don't have time to post right now about what we did to celebrate Emmalee's one year in Heaven (so I will do that at a later date) but I just wanted to get on here and say thank you to you all for your prayers and kind thoughts for us yesterday. We definitely felt covered because yesterday wasn't a sad day for us. There were plenty of moments for tears and yet there were none. And that did feel good. We had a very good day, being husband and wife and remembering our sweet girl. And as I thought about it I thought...okay we've survived one year...I wonder how many more "years" we will have...

Did you find one of our balloons?

If so we'd love to hear where you found it! Please leave a comment for us! Thanks!

Emmalee's Party

Well...Friday proved to be a very good day! I think the anticipation of the day was harder than actually facing the day itself. Oh...there were a lot of tears...don't get me wrong...but neither of us were a blubbering mess. But...even if we were...could you blame us?! Anyway...I will just say it again. I can't believe that a year has gone by. I don't know how it went so fast. It seems like I just started the grieving process for my baby and now it's been a year. I guess this just proves that the grieving process can last for a while. A day still does not go by that I don't think of her...that amazes me...and I am being totally serious...not one day. It's not an all day thing but all of a sudden...there she is...I can picture her...what a cute baby she was:) Anyway...I'll give you a run down of what we did to celebrate Emmalee on what would have been her one year birthday. You can also check out her Auntie Britt's blog, as she wrote a very nice post about our celebration. So Jon and I woke up that morning and laid in bed and just talked about how our lives would have been so different had Emmalee still been with us. I know I mentioned it before, but Jon's comment was..."it's too quiet in this house to be celebrating a one year old's birthday today"...and it's true...it was too quiet. I think most of our tears came at this time...and truth be told...the night before. We decided against watching her video, as it just seemed too hard to do and we were trying to just get through the day...it's a lot easier to just look at pictures where she is still then to watch a video and see the life that she had in her...does that make sense? So we decided to get up...and go get some breakfast from the Tavern (which is a restaurant in Northfield for those of you who don't live around here). We ran into a couple we knew and had a wonderful time chatting with them. Then we took a stroll through Northfield and stopped in a few shops and then it was back home for us. We spent the remainder of the morning and early afternoon cleaning and getting ready for everyone to come over for a barbecue that evening. And of course...I had to make a cake! Well at 4:30 we headed out to the cemetery and all of our family met us out there. Jon has bought himself a huge kite to fly this spring and so we thought it would be fun to get a bunch more kites and have a time of flying kites together...and it was fun! I think everyone liked it. And I liked taking pictures of all my nieces and nephews getting into the fun. Then we did a balloon release...I had gotten pink and white balloons (thanks mom and dad for picking them up) and had printed off messages to tie to the strings...and if they wanted to I had markers out there in case they wanted to write their own messages...the kids drew some cute pictures for Emmalee to see. Then we all let them go at the same time...well...almost....my nephew Logan let his go early...poor kid...he looked like he could cry but he was trying not too...and then my nephew Jack didn't want to let his go...he wanted to keep it:) It was really fun to watch them go until you couldn't see them any longer. Then we just came back to our house...started a fire...fired up the grill...and had food and lots of fun. It really was a nice day of celebrating Emma. Then on Saturday we (my family and Matt, Chris and kids) took a meal down to the Ronald McDonald House in Rochester and fed the families there. It was hard to believe that a year ago we were the ones receiving the meal. It always feels good to give back! They told us to plan for 25-30...well...I think we had over 50! Good thing I always over prepare! It came in handy this time! Not too many leftovers this time around! And then Easter was on Sunday and we spent that with both of our families at the Feldman's. So it was a good weekend...a busy weekend. I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally, on Monday. Well...I guess that's all I have for now...I'll leave you with some pictures of Emmalee's Day.

The Cakes!

How high are they?!?

Jon's new kite! Isn't it pretty!

Uncle Jon trying to get their kite to fly.

Jack and I

Ready

Set

Off they go!

Can you still see them?

All the kids with Emmalee