It's Hard!

Hi Friends! Those are my 2 words for now. It's hard...it's real hard. The hurt is still there...it's real and sometimes I wish it would just go away. Being back to work has been good. It keeps my mind off of losing Emmalee, for the most part. Of course every client has to ask about her but that's okay...I really do like talking about her. And I do really well talking about her...I don't tend to get emotional (which I think surprised people...I hope none of you think I'm emotionless...I just tend to get more emotional when I'm by myself or when it's just Jon and I)...and I actually enjoy telling people how great she was. She was so cute...so precious...such a little fighter. She wasn't a fussy baby...very calm and content...and she had a lot to complain about! Oh how I love her! And it's so hard not being able to hold her...not being able to see her...to kiss that sweet face. As I sit here with tears in my eyes I just would love to take her in my arms and never let her go. Jon has had some rough days...it's just busy at work (which is such a blessing especially in this economy) and I think he feels a little overwhelmed sometimes (and he's still hurting from losing Emmalee)...and then he gets crabby (sorry Jon...spilling all your secrets)...I was just feeling tonight that it just isn't fair. The one thing that could cheer Jon up is not here. God took her from us! And that's not fair of me to say that either. We know God is good...he has plans for us and yet I still don't understand sometimes. Ahhh...but God is faithful and His ways are good. I need to tell myself that when I am in the midst of this darkness....it's not a good place to be...it's where the devil lives and he loves to see us doubting God. The Bible tells us that the devil is the father of lies...he has the power to put these icky thoughts into my head and I need to be wise and tell him that he has no place here. Now this is not to say that Jon and I can't be sad...'cause God knows that we will be sad...and we'll probably be sad for a very long time. I believe there will always be a little hole in my heart that will never be filled again...I will always miss Emmalee...my beautiful baby. I asked my sister-in-law how you can even love the children that come after the first ones...she told me that it does seem impossible but it does happen...which is good to know...and I think deep down I already knew that to be true. That little Emmalee, though, she captured our hearts...little stinker. We just thank God that we were able to have Emma for 13 days...to get to know her and love on her. He is good...all the time...even in the midst of our hurt. There have been so many songs that have had such meaning to us lately...we were going up to church and another song came on the radio and I looked at Jon and said, "Well doesn't that song have a whole new meaning to us now." And then I was on Steven Curtis Chapman's website later and the guy who's writing a blog for him said this: I’ve heard from many of you that you shared Steven’s songs that morning and found that an odd thing happened. That Steven’s songs were ministering to you and your audience... In the midst of Steven’s loss. How can you explain that? As my friend Frank Reed said... “only God.” It is the very thing that makes our format so incredible... Because when songs are crafted from and based in God’s word and His truth, they can do miraculous things. It's so true...God uses those songs to minister to us all at different times in our live. I'm just grateful that there are those individuals who are obedient to God to write down the words that He has given to them. It amazes me the different talents that God gives each one of us. I might in the coming weeks post some lyrics that have had an impact on us throughout this whole ordeal...don't hold me too it but I think I will...so you all can be blessed as well. Well I will quite babbling now...thank you for letting me share my heart with you. I'm so glad I can just be me with all of you....you'll love me in my sad times and love me in my happy times...thank you!

Here's a few pictures for you:

Here is Emmalee's tree from my mom's side of the family. We planted it at the farm so that everyone could enjoy it! (sorry...I couldn't figure out how to rotate this picture...I guess it's getting too late tonight!)

Here's Jon's pretty truck! Knecht's (here in Northfield) gave us a memorial tree for Emmalee...it's the pink one in the truck...so pretty! And then we got a little tree for right outside Maralee's door in her little garden. I told my mom when she thinks she has finally settled into a house she's going to be in for a while I'll get her a tree too!

Jon and Matt planting Maralee's tree...isn't it cute (the tree I mean!).

Some had suggested I do a memorial garden for Emmalee. Well...I'm not really a gardener so when I saw this wagon I had this idea to plant some flowers in it...I think it turned out pretty cute! So each year I'm going to plant Emmalee's garden in the wagon. I should also note...I said I am not a gardener...which is true...but I did actually enjoy putting this garden together...who knew! I might have found a new hobby!

A little dragonfly I found at Menards...I just wrote "Emmalee's Garden" on his wings...he was just too cute to leave at the store

And here's our memorial tree from Knecht's...we were selfish and planted it at our house for us to enjoy!

Emmalee Ann Pearl Feldman

Hi all! I just realized that I never really explained the meaning behind Emmalee’s name and the spelling of it...I had actually started writing this post yesterday before work and then at work I think all but one of my clients asked me about her name and how we came up with the spelling (and all the names!) so I figured I'd better post this one. As I had stated in an earlier post we liked the name Emma but I like names that have a formal name and then a nickname to go with it…I think that’s because I’m Alison but I like Ali…and Jon is Jonathan. Anyway…so we came up with Emmalee…for those of you who don’t know, Jon’s mom’s name is Maralee…so we wanted to use the lee for the end of Emma’s name. Jon wasn’t too crazy about Emmalee but as we’ve come to know, he prefers Emmalee over Emma. Funny how life works! And then my mom’s name is Ann and I have a Great Aunt Pearl. So we were able to get three very important women in our lives into Emma’s name. I also have two grandma’s that are very important to me but we thought that Emmalee Ann Pearl Mary Clare would be an overkill…what do you think?!? And then we’d have to get Jon’s grandmas in there too…so we’ll save those names for later! Well I guess that’s all I really had to write today. So sorry I have been MIA for 2 weeks….our Internet was down all of last week…you don’t realize how much you use it until you don’t have it! So I figured I’d just wait ‘til this Wednesday to post again…I’ll probably start posting once a week on Wednesday’s for those of you who are still keeping up with us (thank you!). And it’s probably a good thing that the Internet was down last week because it was so cloudy, gloomy, rainy, etc. last week that I was kind of emotional and so this post might have been totally different…a little more sad than happy. I didn’t realize that weather could have such an effect on me…and I’m sure I still have a few hormones working against me. But thank you to all who have kept us in your thoughts and prayers. Some days I feel like we can use them more now than ever. We are getting far enough away from the situation to be starting to get back to normal life, and yet it is still so fresh to us. Thank you again for being there for us. Love to all!



Oh yeah...I think Sam is still working on trying to get some of the funeral clips on here...it's taking him a little longer than he thought...I need to check with him again to see where he's at with that...and I know he's working on editing her service and putting a DVD together for us. I don't know if any of you would want a copy of it (I know a few of you have expressed wanting a copy of it) but I know Sam can make copies for whoever would like one...just let us know...you can e-mail me. And I still have to get pictures of her trees on here for you to see...thanks for being patient with us!

A Sense of Closure

Hi all! Hope this finds you all doing well. We are good here. I went back to work for 2 days this week and then I'll be back full time next week (well full time is going to be only 4 days for the summer...I'm going to enjoy my Mondays and Wednesdays off!). So far Tuesday was a good day back...I'm also working on Thursday. I told Jon it's a good thing that I like what I do 'cause I had that feeling that I always got the last day of summer break as a kid...I don't want to go back to school...so Monday night I laid in bed telling Jon...I don't want to go back to work! But really...I do...I think it will be good to get back into some sort of routine and it will be good to get out of the house and have a social life...'cause after all that is a big part of my job!:) Anyway...today was a good day. A week ago we got a letter in the mail from Emmalee's surgeon, Dr. Burkhardt. It basically said that he'd been thinking about Emmalee and that if we ever wanted to get together or if we had any questions, we could feel free to call him. So we decided that it would be good to see him, not that we had any major questions for him, but almost just to have a bit of closure with him. You see, after Emmalee's surgery he ended up going out of town on a well deserved vacation with his family, so he wasn't around when Emma passed away. He checked in everyday and was well aware of what was going on but I'm sure it wasn't the same for him as if he were actually there...not that he could have done anything else for her...we know that. We were just hoping that our situation didn't damper his vacation at all. Well we met with him today and I told Jon that I was kind of nervous...nervous for him and us I guess...maybe it's just because of the subject matter...I didn't know if it would become emotional to talk about again or if we'd find out something we'd rather not know. But it went really good...we really just wanted to communicate to him that we know he did his best and that we didn't blame him for anything. I know my biggest comfort comes from knowing that God was in control that day...the whole day....He had plans for Emmalee's life and for ours...He knew exactly how many days Emma would spend here on earth...and He will continue to be here for us to help us get through this time. We did find out that her esophagus problem was bit more of a problem than we thought...it was actually a lot more narrow than it should be so even though they did connect it, it was pretty thin and who knows if she would have had problems later on with that...he said she probably would have needed more reconstructive surgery on that...poor little thing...and then we talked about the clots she was forming...not exactly sure why she was forming clots...every one's body is different....and her brain damage was pretty significant...not sure her heart would have worked anyway with the amount of damage that was done. But none of this matters anyway...it's good for us to know all this but it doesn't make a difference because our little girl is perfect now. She won't ever have to endure another surgery...she won't have to worry about having heart problems...she won't have to worry period! So that's about all that's going on for us. When we were up there we were able to run into a few of her nurses and another doctor...it was so good to see them again! We really enjoyed all the people we met up there...God gave us an amazing opportunity to meet some amazing people and for that we will be forever grateful to Him for that! Well I'd better run for now. Take care....thanks for all the encouraging notes you've been sending to me in my e-mail box...I'm working on replying to everyone so bear with me! But keep them coming...they make me smile knowing that you all have been touched by our little Emmalee! Love you all!

Oh three more things:
1. Please pray for a couple we met while we were down at Mayo. They are still there...their names are Ryan and Lora. Lora gave birth to their daughter, Ruth, early because they found cancer in Lora's brain and needed to start her on treatment. Ruth is doing good...gaining weight like crazy! Lora is in the middle of her treatments and she seems to be doing good with them, meaning they seem to be working on the cancer, but I think it's taking a toll on the rest of her body. I'll put the link to her Caring Bridge page on here...hopefully it works! But I know they would greatly appreciate all your prayers for healing for Lora's body and for Ruth to keep gaining weight and staying healthy! Here it is: http://caringbridge.org/visit/lorakesselhon
2. Please pray for Christian singer Steven Curtis Chapman and his family. Their little girl was killed in their driveway when she was struck by an SUV driven by one of her older brothers...total accident...and a tragic one. We know what it's like to lose your little girl but they will also be dealing with helping their son cope with it as well. Steven Curtis is one of the most talented singers and songwriters around...his words in his songs are so meaningful and have helped me along this road. At Emma's funeral we actually had someone sing one of his songs called "With Hope"....the lyrics go...We can cry with hope. We can say good-bye with hope. 'Cause we know our good-byes are not the end. And it goes on from there...they have a website as well and I'll post it too. I just know that prayers work to help get through the loss and to give you the strength to get through to make it to the other side. It's a process...let's keep praying:) Here's his website: http://www.stevencurtischapman.com/
3. I keep forgetting to mention this. If you all think of it, start saving your pop can tabs. While we were living at the Ronald McDonald House we learned how valuable these are. The tabs contain pure aluminum so they make the most money by just collecting these. The house in Rochester alone makes $10,000 a year from people bringing in their tabs...so they do go to a great cause and help so much to make the Houses a success...I know we sure appreciated all they did for us and it was so nice to have a nice and reasonable place to stay...and a place to come "home" to after a long day at the hospital. If you live around here you can always drop them off to us either at our home or at my work and we can take care of getting them there. Thanks for taking the time to do this to make a difference in families lives!

Stretch Marks

Well this is going to be an insightful blog post! Ha…yeah right. I just wanted to share with you something that came to me. I just wanted to tell you all that I got stretch marks right away when my belly started getting big. Big ole stretch marks front and center, all around my belly button. I definitely didn’t have one of those smooth bellies that people take pictures of. You wouldn’t have been allowed near me with a camera. But I didn’t mind them…no one else was going to see them…and let’s face it…I’ve never really had a belly I was going to show off anyway. So bring on the marks. I think that my skin is just more prone to getting stretch marks…I had them when I was growing up even when I would take a growth spurt. And I am one that never cared whether I had them or not. I remember sitting in class in high school and having two girls talking about not wanted to get stretch marks when they get pregnant and I remember thinking that this should be the least of their worries. How dumb. Anyway…moving on. I just wanted to share all this with you because I realize that I like my stretch marks! It shows me exactly where Emmalee lived for 9 months and it’s a good reminder to me that she was a part of me and will always be! I told Jon that I think she knew her momma would never get a tattoo with her name on it so she wanted me to have a reminder of her on my body and therefore I got the marks! I know…it’s silly but I think it’s a nice thought…and I do think of her every time I see them! I also think it reminds me of the year that I was stretched. Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I would have never thought that I could get through a time like this but I have come through it and I’m still standing. I remember the Tuesday before we said good-bye to Emmalee, Jon and I went for a walk in Mayo’s peace gardens and I remember telling him that I could not plan a funeral. It was something that I thought I physically and emotionally could not do! And I couldn’t sit through a funeral for my daughter…it would be too hard! I didn’t want to. That was something I didn’t want to do! But you know what…when it came right down to it, I could do it…I did it. And I enjoyed planning a service that I thought would be glorifying to God and a service that I thought would show how special our little girl was to us! I wanted her service to be so special for her. She deserved it! And I think her service was just perfect…and I got through it. I was stretched and I found the strength. It’s good to go through times in your life when you can get stretched. It’s when you find out what you are made of and I think personally it makes you a better person…at least that has been the case for Jon and me. Well I think that’s all I have for now. Just another side note…we finally picked out a rock to use as Emma’s headstone. It’s one from the rock pile Jon and Matt have out at the farm and it’s really pretty. It is mostly pink and then on the side it is a grayish black with a white swirl going through it. And then we are going to have a guy sandblast all her information into it. We still have to decide what we are going to put on it exactly but he thinks we might be able to even put her picture on it. That would be cute! Anyway…that’s all for now. We are still doing well. There aren’t any bad days but there are days that have sad moments. Little things can trigger the tears but those tears are almost cleansing. It feels good, if that makes sense, to be able to remember her…to cry about her…and to remember that we have the hope that we will see our baby girl again and that God has great plans for our future! So in all I am thankful that I have been stretched and that I have a reminder that says to me…Emma was here! Love to all.

By the way…I have added my e-mail address to the side bar ( --> ) in case any of you wanted to write me and didn’t want it posted in the comments. I love hearing from you all…you are such an encouragement to me. Thank you!

We're doing good

Hi all! Just wanted to put a quick (yeah right) update on here for you all to let you know that we are doing good. Not a day goes by where we don't think of Emma and miss her like crazy but we have also have been able to get up each day and make the most of it! It helps that we have family and friends around that have been so supportive and those of you who don't live around here we know you've been thinking and praying for us and just knowing we have that kind of support makes it easier for us! God's grace has been so good to us. You know I've been sad but I have never felt angry or mad about this whole situation. I have not yelled out to God, "Why? Why me? Why us?" Because why not us? Why couldn't something like this happen to us? God doesn't say we can't question His decisions but for me during this time I don't think it will help me deal. God knows everything. He knew how long Emma would be here on earth...He knew what joy she'd bring all of us...and He knew He wanted her home and that we would hurt but He is good all the time and will help us get through. And if any of you have any doubts I just want you to know that I don't, and I know God will use Emma's life here on earth and her death to bring something so good and amazing out of it. I just am going to enjoy sitting back and watching it happen. And it may not be today, tomorrow, or even next week....it might be years down the road before we see why God chose to bring us down this road so for now we will just walk and continue to follow Him. My mom recently just told me that she thinks it is amazing that God trusted us with Emmalee and trusted us that we could handle this situation. Whoa...that was powerful to me because I think trust is a huge thing. A lot of us have trust issues...I know at times I do. And to think that God trusted me with a huge situation like this...knowing that I could take care of Emmalee while she was inside, knowing that Jon and I could take care of her in the hospital, knowing that Jon and I could listen and make the decision to let her go home, and knowing that we would be able to handle losing her and giving God the glory in it all (we are still sad and miss her but we know her life served a greater purpose). Trust...wow...I just pray that when I get to heaven I hear those all important words..."Well done, good and faithful servant." Now some of you might be sitting here reading this and think...oh this is nice Ali...whatever will get you through you can choose to believe this. But I just want to tell you that this faith of mine is real! I serve a God that is real yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever. This isn't a sugar coated thing to just help me get by. If you don't know God and faith like this I pray that you will want to know it. I can't imagine getting through losing my daughter without knowing that He cares for me and that He is with me. If you ever want to talk to me about it, I would love to talk to you about my God! And He knows what it is like to lose a child. I have been reminding myself about this all week. God sent His only Son down to earth to die for all of our sins. That is an amazing sacrifice! It's like that story I heard many years ago...A father brought his son to work one day. He was the operator for the lift bridge and when the train would come he would lower the bridge so that the train could cross. Well pretty soon here the train came and he needed to lower the bridge...just before he was about to push the lever he saw his son over there playing under the bridge...he yelled over there for his son to get out of there but the son couldn't hear him. He needed to make a decision. If he didn't lower the bridge all those people on the passenger train would die but if he did, his son would die. Well he knew his son would have to die so that all those people could live. And he pushed the lever and cried as he watched the bridge come down and the train crossed with the people waving, never knowing what this man's son sacrificed so that they may live. Just something to ponder... Well I'll close for now...told you it wouldn't be real quick! I don't know what happens but when I sit down to write I just can't stop! I think I should write a book! Well I hope all of you are doing good...thank you for continuing to lift us up in prayer and for thinking of us! Oh...thank you all for the Mother's Day wishes. It was a good day...a little hard in the morning...I have my husband to thank for that...he wrote me such a nice card! I had a hard time remembering that I am a mother...I kept saying that I was a mother...that's still a thought that gets me (I think that's my way of feeling sorry for myself...something I don't want to do but I think we all can fall into that trap sometimes) but Jon does a good job of reminding me that I will always be a mom. But on Mother's Day we took my mom out for lunch and then we went down to Jon's parents farm and we planted a tree that some of my relatives gave us to remind us of Emmalee...a flowering crab that will flower in the spring and remind us of the beautiful girl that God gave us in the spring of 2008! Thank you all for that tree! Well I'll write later...thank for reading and thank you all again for all of your support!

2 Weeks

I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since that awful day....the day we really didn't want to come but knew it would have to. The day that Emmalee was happy and we were sad. The day she got her complete healing and we began to start ours. It was another day for most people and today is another day and yet as I sit here I can't help but be sad as I think back on all the details of the last few weeks. We had such good times with her. We watched the video that we taped of her during her life last night...boy did that bring on the tears. Some were happy and some were very sad. Someone was taping the last minutes of everyone saying good-bye to Emma...that was hard. But no one taped her last seconds on earth...at first I was kinda disappointed that we didn't have those last seconds and then I came to the conclusion that it's probably best left just in the memories of those that were there...we don't need to see that over and over...I'll just remember it...it was the perfect way for her to leave us...one last squeeze of Jon's and my hands and just slowly sinking out of this life. Like I had said before...leaving her daddy's arms and into the arms of Jesus. I like that picture. You know I think times like these people begin to talk about death a lot more and wonder what it's all about...do we look the same...do we age in heaven...can we watch what's going on down on earth? I've decided that Emmalee is still a baby and will stay that way until I get up there and can watch her grow. I don't know if that's true or not but that's what I'm going to choose to believe and I think that's okay because really none of us really know and who's to say I'm right or wrong. I think this issue is one of those that everyone can debate about but no one is really right or wrong and it's an issue that won't change your salvation whether you believe one way or the other. Anyways...I'll get off that issue. I told Jon that another thing that I realized is that I'm going to be one of those people...you know...when something like this happens again...when a parent looses a child I will be able to say..."I know how you feel"...and I really don't want to be one of those people! I don't want to know how they feel! But I do and I just pray God will be able to use me to bring comfort to someone else when they need it. So many have shared their stories with us and brought us comfort...I just hope I can do the same . Well I think I'll close for now. Thanks for letting me share my heart with all of you. I know this road is going to be hard but it's amazes me that I am finding an inner strength to help me get through this...that strength can only come from God, who I remind myself, is good all the time. He doesn't bring you through situations for no purpose and through times that you won't be able to handle. So I will continue to walk this road and be excited for what God has for Jon and I to come. But don't worry...I will continue to cry and grieve at the same time...it's all part of the process.



P.S. Jon went back to work today. He was going to go back on Monday but he wasn't feeling good and so he took a couple more days off. Thank goodness...I don't think I was ready for him to be gone yet. We've been together everyday for almost 4 weeks now! And if Jon wasn't there someone was always with me. It feels kind of weird being by myself...I'm not sure I like it...it seems like the tears are more ready to flow now that no one is around. But give me a few days of this and I'll be okay...it's just the start of getting back to "normal".

Pictures of Emmalee

Hi all! Sorry it's been awhile since we've written. We actually escaped for a few days (all of last week) just to be by ourselves and kind of regroup and digest all that has happened the last 3 weeks! But I did promise some photos of Emma and so I am delivering! These are some of the pictures that the professional photographer at Mayo took for us. I think they turned out so nice and I am so glad that I have them. I just look at them and wonder...how in the world did we have smiles on our faces at this time? It's only by God's grace did we have anything left in us to smile but I'm so glad that He gave us that strength and that I have pictures of us smiling with our baby girl! Our first family pictures! Well I hope you enjoy them as much as we do. I have more to write but can't seem to put all of it into thoughts right now so I'll write later. Love to all!

P.S. I do believe Sam is still trying to put clips of the service on here so be looking for those!