Tragedy in little ole Nerstrand

Hi all! I'm not going to write much tonight...one because I'm just pooped and two because I don't have too much pressing here to write. But if you live around here (or anywhere in MN) you've likely heard that there was a horrible accident in Nerstrand involving a 6 year old girl and a 3 year old boy. The story is that the 6 year old little girl was upstairs with her 3 year old brother and she found a gun (a pretty big handgun...a 357 if that means anything to anybody...it didn't to me) in a night stand of her mom's boyfriend...they haven't lived here in town very long...I've only seen the little boy once...cute kid...anyway...I guess there were 5 out of 6 live rounds in the gun and the first time she shot it nothing happened...and so she pulled the trigger again and it went off and hit her brother in the back of the head...they did fly him out of here but he later died at the hospital from his wounds....it's just so sad. I feel so bad for the little girl...last night I just kept praying for her that God would just guard her thoughts...guard her heart...guard her sight...just please Lord send someone to GUARD HER!!! From what I've heard they may not have had the greatest family life...some in town I guess had thought about calling child services but no one had...now they feel bad for not doing so. And they were also sending in counselors to be with the first responders because I guess of the nature of the accident and what they saw...if these grown people can't handle it...how do they think this little 6 year old girl will do?! I just pray that God wipes her memory of this and that she will be able to live a normal life. And like Jon says...at least her little brother is in Heaven now...maybe he didn't even know what happened...one minute he's playing upstairs with his sister...the next minute he's playing in Heaven with our Emmalee...I'm sure she's showing him the ropes. Oh wait...what am I saying...she's just a baby! Well who knows...they are together...that's the only sure thing I know...and Jesus is taking good care of them:) So please just continue to keep this family in your prayers...especially this little girl. One side note on this...I have now seen the media in action...they were trying to get any information from any of us that happened to be out and about...it was pretty interesting to watch...they were looking to see if anyone had a picture of this little boy...actually any info at all...but like I said...they were new to town and no one really knew too much about them except for the fact that they were seen around town by themselves...anyway...it's interesting...even if I did have a picture or info...would I really give it out?! But I guess people do...that's how we get the news! And onto the other news from our house...Emmalee's stone is in place! We had everyone come out on Sunday to watch...it was kinda fun watching Jon work the skid loader to place the rock...and then watching the other guys trying to help him get it just right...thank you to our family who came out to help and to be a part of this special moment. I'll post the picture for you all to see...the hole in the top is for her picture...the granite piece still isn't done so I'll put in another picture when it's all complete. Well I think that's all for now...hope some of you were able to catch Steven Curtis Chapman and his family on Good Morning America this morning...it was a nice interview...how their faith is helping them get through losing their little girl...I could relate with some of what they said...very inspiring...but I knew it would be...his songs are amazing...he definitely let's God's Word shine through! Oh...one more thing...I was reading Ryan and Lora's caring pages yesterday (they were the couple we met while at the RM House...she had cancer and had to deliver their baby early so she could start treatments)...anyway...it sounds like the cancer and tumors are gone from her body...she still has a few treatments left and a bone marrow transplant but it all sounds very encouraging! Praise God! God is good all the time! Well...now I think that's all! Hope you all have a great week!







So there it is...pretty huh! When it's completely finished I'll post pictures of all the details on here...so you can actually see what the stone says and all...on the back of the rock we put her Child of Faith poem...it's really nice. Talk to you all later!

Kindness and Truth

Hi all! I won't bore you with a lengthy update today. Not much is new with us...we are keeping busy with work...poor Jon has been working out in this awful heat...the humidity is the worst! But it's summer and we should just enjoy it because the cold will come sooner or later!:) Anyway...we are still doing good...healing all the time. I still have clients who come in who haven't heard or I run into people on the street and again it's that feeling of feeling bad because I have to tell them what happened...and that makes them feel bad. But at least I can get through that with out tearing up! It's such a joy talking about her and how much we love her...and what an amazing little girl we had on our hands:) A little update on my lump....I went back into the doctor today...he said that it was a lot smaller and that it still just feels like a lymph node that was irritated because of the drainage from my acne...he still was not concerned about it...he said that he has one under his throat that he's had for 30 years! And he said mine might not ever go away completely...and that's okay. So...good news there...now I'll stop worrying about it! And some of you have asked about my Emmalee Wagon Garden...and I'm happy to report that it's doing well...here's a couple pictures to prove it:






Aren't they pretty? I just love all the flowers in her wagon! And again I will leave you with a little snippet of what I've gained from my Bible this week....God's truths and promises just coming out to bless me and Jon...showing us that He does love us and that He is with us. Again I am reading about David...I have finished 1 Samuel though and moved on to 2 Samuel. Saul had died and David was talking to the the men of Judah...they told David that it was actually the men of Jabesh Gilead (and really...who does know how to pronounce some of these names in the Bible!) that buried Saul...he was very pleased with these men and wanted to tell them so. In verse 6 he says to them, "And now may the Lord show kindness and truth to you." I just feel like this is what God is doing for us now. He's sending us kindness through other people...by the letters and e-mails you send us...by you asking how we may need help...just by little simple gestures...by my lump not being anything and giving me a total peace of mind about that (and some of you know that I tend to over worry about things!)...etc... And we know that He's sent us His truth already...the truth that we will see Emmalee again...the truth that this world is not the end...and even though we miss her...she's okay and she will be waiting for us! That is an awesome TRUTH! Well that's all for today folks! I hope you have a wonderful week...and I know that I've eluded to it for weeks but Emmalee's stone should be done by next week for sure! Be looking for pictures!

Strengthened

Hi everyone! It's good to talk to you all! Today was a good day as I was working on my little Emmalee's scrapbook. As most of you know, I love to scrapbook and make cards. So there was no question that I was going to do a book for Emma. But this has probably been the hardest book I've done, not because it's sad to do, but because I just want everything to be perfect for her. So far I think it's going okay. And I'm having fun doing it! Anyway...we also went and looked at the stone for Emmalee and made the final decisions on it. So it should be done within the next 2 weeks, I think. This stone is huge, everyone...we went up to the cemetery tonight after we were done and we were like, man...this stone is going to look huge out here...but I like that...something different and something that really stands out. And plus, I figure, her little body didn't take up much room so she deserves to have a big stone on her plot! Well...not too much else new with us. Oh yeah...we finally got her glider for her room...a little late don't you think?!? But it was back ordered and it just finally got here so we went and picked it up on Sunday. It was worth the wait because we really do like it...but poor Emma...if she would have made it she wouldn't have been rocked until now! That's a long time. So, thank goodness her siblings someday won't have to wait...they'll be rocked from the moment they come home from the hospital. Well I'll let you go...I'll just leave you with a little bit I've gained from my Bible this week...it still amazes me that God can still speak to us...it might not be audibly but through His Word you can still hear Him...and it also amazes me that I have read these words before and yet at that time they didn't stand out to me...He really knows what we need when we need it. So here it is:

I have been reading in 1 Samuel and these verses came out of Chapter 30. David had just come back to his camp with his troop only to find that it had been invaded and their women and children and all their stuff had been taken. Well...needless to say his men were very distraught and were mad at David...this is what verse 6 says:

"Now David was greatly distressed, for the people spoke of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and his daughters. But David strengthened himself in the Lord his God."

Did you read that...after all David had gone through, after all, he had lost his two wives too, he chose to strengthen Himself in the Lord. I feel like me and Jon have done that too...we have found this supernatural strength...everyone asks us how we could be doing this well and I keep saying that it's because God has given us this strength to go on. And we turn to Him to keep strengthening us as we go on during these weeks, months, and I'm sure, years. It also goes on to say:

Verse 8
"So David inquired of the Lord, saying, 'Shall I pursue this troop? Shall I overtake them?'
And He answered him, 'Pursue, for you shall surely overtake them and without fail recover all.'"

I don't know...maybe I'm reading too much into this but I just feel like God gave me these verses to say...go ahead, Ali and Jon, have more kids....you will have more and you will be good parents...keep going on this road I have taken you...I know it's hard but you're doing good and you will get through it...you will conquer and you will prevail...and you will be better because of it. So that's what we are going to do. Again...we thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers...it never gets old hearing that...so thank you for telling us. We love you all...have a great week!

Another Week

Hi all! Hope this blog finds you all doing well! We are doing good. Few sad times here for me but doing well. On Sunday we went to church and of course we had to sing the song that brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it now...followed up by It Is Well With My Soul...tears tears tears! The song was Blessed Be The Name...for those of you who don't know the song, these are the lyrics...it's not until the bridge that I really lose it...here they are:

Blessed Be Your Name

In the land that is plentiful

Where Your streams of abundance flow

Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name

When I'm found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's 'all as it should be

'Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there's pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

(here it is folks...tears!)

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

That song followed by the lyrics from It is well with my soul:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot,

Thou has taught me to say,

It is well,

it is well, with my soul.

It is well,

with my soul,

It is well,

with my soul,

It is well,

it is well,

with my soul.

Those are two very meaningful songs for me...it gives me the hope and promise that we will be able to get through this time...even though sometimes it seems so tough. I just wish I had her here to hold. I feel like I am starting to get to the point of being a little jealous of others and I don't want to be that way. I know I just have to be patient and wait for what God has in store for us...but I'm getting a little antsy! :) So please pray for me that I will be able to be patient and that time for me wouldn't seem to be going so slow! I can't believe I'm writing that because just yesterday I said that I couldn't believe we are half way through July...half way through summer! I guess time is going fast (maybe just not fast enough sometimes). Anyway...I'll quit babbling. One more thing...I have been reading Angie Smith's blog...one of you had lead me there...she also lost her daughter in April and it's been kinda nice reading what she is going through and feeling that I am not alone in what I am feeling. She wrote the other day that she just wanted to dig into the dirt and to wrap her daughter in a blanket...I have had those thoughts so many time...I just want to go...dig Emmalee up...wrap her up...and just rock her and hold her tight. I just want her...I want to see her...hold her...kiss her...love on her. And I can't...and I thought those thoughts were almost sick...like why would I want to go and unbury my daughter...but reading her blog made me realize that it was a normal thing to think...that we miss our daughters so much that we just want to be with them...and just sitting in the cemetery is not enough...oh well...it will have to be until I get to heaven and can be with her forever. Until that day I will rely on God and His strength and love to get me through. Well thank you all for letting me share all this with you...it is kinda like therapy for me to be able to write all this down. Have a great week all.

A Time to Reflect

Hi all! I know it's been 2 weeks since I've written but I think Sam did such a good job on the video of Emmalee's service I thought I'd just leave you all with that. It was so good to watch that...we haven't felt like watching the full video yet so to see the clips Sam put together was very good for us. I've just been thinking a lot lately as to why we had to go through this...why we had to lose our baby girl. I don't know if I have totally figured out the answer to that...and who knows...maybe I never will. But God has really been revealing to me that He has asked us to walk down this road. I was reminded by a dear friends mom about the story of Hannah in the Bible (thanks Cathy). Here Hannah wanted a baby so bad that she promised God that if He would just let her have a baby then she would give her baby back to Him. I remember telling God that I would just love the chance to be pregnant....I just wanted to know what that felt like. I know some of you know that Jon and I went through our share of troubles getting pregnant and finally got pregnant through fertility drugs...although it took us a while even using those. So, I think it's such a blessing that I was able to carry Emmalee...I know some of you haven't ever been able to carry your own children but I am also reminded that God will give us our children in different ways and that each way is a blessing. So back to Hannah. She was given her child and his name was Samuel and she did give him back to God. She took him down to the priest and presented him to God for God's service. We were able to have Emmalee...and believe me...there were plenty of days and nights where I didn't think we were going to be able to have children...sometimes it seemed like an impossible thing...even thinking about adoption seemed impossible to me. But I knew that God knew the desires of our hearts and that some way He would give us a child to love and we prayed that God would give us children and that they would come to know Him at an early age. Well as we all know, God did give us the desire of our heart with little Emmalee's life. Oh, I can't even tell you how fast I fell in love with that little girl. I thought I loved her the whole time she was in my tummy but when I first saw her, I melted. I'm sure all of you have felt the same way. I was even talking to a guy who has adopted his children. He said from the moment his kids were put into his arms, he loved them. I think that is so awesome that God gives us the capacity to love someone that much. I think how great is His love for us that we should be called sons and daughters of Him! And as we all know as well, God asked us to give Emmalee over to His service. He decided to use her little life to bring glory to Him...to tell others about Him. Some of you reading this may not know Him like I do and I pray that someday you will. He uses us all differently...He used Hannah's son Samuel to be a prophet to the people...God actually talked audibly to Samuel...can you even imagine? Hearing God's voice loud and clear! Wow...I can't imagine that. He's done more with little Emma's life than He's done with mine...sometimes He uses us for a very short time...others of us it takes our whole life to accomplish His purposes. And for those of us who have to give up our children He gives us hope that we will see them again and He helps us with our grieving. He is good...all the time. And this is the part that I love about the story of Hannah...it says in 1 Samuel 2:20-21

"And Eli would bless Elkanah and his wife, and say, 'The Lord give you descendants from this woman for the loan that was given to the Lord.' Then they would go to their own home. And the Lord visited Hannah, so that she conceived and bore three sons and two daughters. Meanwhile the child Samuel grew before the Lord."

Pretty neat huh! Because of their sacrifice they were rewarded greatly. Thinking back to our last moments with Emma, I remember saying as they were turning off her machine, "Lord, here's our daughter. We give her to you." or something like that...I can't quite remember...it's a little fuzzy for me...maybe I didn't even say it but I do remember thinking it. It was like I was saying...thank you for letting me have her for a little while...for letting me get to know her...I don't know why you need her back but here she is...she is yours Lord. I was also reminded of a quote my mom gave me when we were still trying to get pregnant...I thought it had significant meaning back then but it has even more meaning to me now...it came out of her Beth Moore Bible Study...it goes like this:

"A plan of profound importance exists that sometimes overrides the miracle we desperately desire."

I thought this was so true of our experience. We wanted so much for the miracle to be that Emmalee got to be healed here on earth...I didn't realize her miracle would be her complete healing in Heaven. I can't wait to see the plan played out! Take care all...I will talk to you all later!

P.S. I sent out the DVD's of Emmalee's service to all of you that asked for them...if you don't get it by next week e-mail me again...it probably means I forgot to send you your copy! And if anyone else still wants one I do have more copies...just let me know.

Oh...and for all of you who were wondering about my little lump...I did start on the antibiotics yesterday...I had to make sure that I wasn't pregnant (I didn't think I would be but they just want you to be sure...surprise, surprise...I wasn't) and so far today the lump already seems a lot smaller...Jon even thinks it's close to gone...so maybe the doctor was right and it was just hard from all the acne on my face...and the acne seems to be going away already too...yea! So...I'll keep you posted but all looks good for now!

Emmalee's Funeral

Emmalees Funeral from Ali and Jon Feldman on Vimeo.

A Little Scare

Hi everyone! It's Wednesday so that means it's time for an update from the Feldman's. We are doing good. This week has been a little easier...that's what time is for I guess. Although I do have to tell you that yesterday and today I had a little bit of a scare. When I was driving home last night I was rubbing the front of my chin and throat and felt a hard bump/lump under my chin towards my throat. So immediately my thoughts ran wild...have I ever felt this before...is this a part of my throat...could this really be? I think I'm a little hyper sensitive because as some of you may know my grandpa had tongue cancer and died from it and my cousin also had tongue cancer....thankfully they were able to catch hers in time and she's doing good. But I have always checked myself thoroughly because I saw what they both went through and I don't want to go through it...even though they say it's not genetic...just a fluke that two people in my family got it. So anyway...after not sleeping great I called the clinic in town to see if the ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat) doctor would have an appointment today. Well he's only in on Wednesdays and he just happen to have an opening at 1:15. So in I went. He checked me over and felt the lump. He suspects that it's a hard lymph node and that it could be caused by drainage from all the acne I have gotten from being pregnant (one of the pleasant side effects of hormones! ha!) so he put me on some acne medicine and I have to take that for a month and see if the lump disappears. He didn't seem concerned about it and said that it wasn't acting like a cyst because it didn't move around when I swallowed. So for now I'm feeling good about it...it did scare me though. I asked him if he was worried about it...he said no...but just keep an eye on it. So I'll try the medicine. I think I was a little tense because when I went to go get my meds at the drug store one of the ladies that works there asked how my baby was...and I felt like I almost lost it. The tears started coming and I was trying to push them away as I told her that she passed away. She felt so bad and I felt bad that I couldn't stop crying...I know that makes people feel even worse...but the two that were working there assured me that it was okay that I was crying...they were getting tears as well...the one gentleman then talked a little with me....wanting to know what happened...I got through that okay. So...I think I've just been a little emotional today:) All this made me start thinking about what our pastor said at Emmalee's funeral. He said something to this effect: I'm sure you were looking forward to introducing Emmalee to Jesus someday. To tell her all about him and help her grow up to love and serve Him. But now Emmalee will get to introduce you to Jesus! How cool is it that my little girl is with Jesus right now! She is in His presence at all times and she is so well loved up there. He loves her more that I can even imagine...He love us all more than I can even imagine. So as I had this little scare today I just tried to give it all to Him, knowing that He is in control of everything in my life and He has the best plans. Of course I was hoping that His plan for me was to not have to go and have something be wrong with me but if it was or is He will take care of me. And I'm still hoping that His plan for Jon and I is that we will be able to have many more children to love and hug and be able to introduce them to Jesus and tell them all about their older sister Emmalee. So for now I'm not going to worry about my little bump and I am just going to keep praying that this medicine takes care of it (and hey...at least it will help get rid of all this acne!)....so if you want to you can also pray that my little bump is nothing as well....thanks!

Someone asked about seeing Emmalee's headstone...we don't have it done yet...it's still a work in progress...but we do have a butterfly marker (my mom and dad made it for her and put all her information on it) and some flowers out on her grave so here are a couple of pictures of that. Also, we are working on getting copies of Emmalee's service made for those of you who wanted it...if anyone else is interested let me know.