One thing I've learned...

If there is one thing that I've learned this year, it's that you can't control what happens in life...case and point...it rained...all day...on Sunday! If you remember...Sunday was the day we had our big party for all the doctors, nurses, and everyone else that was involved with helping us with Emmalee. Oh well...I prayed for no rain...but there must have been a reason that it needed to rain that day (do you remember the movie Bruce Almighty? God can't answer all our prayers with a yes...He's ultimately in control and know what's best for everyone)...and we survived. We just all moved into the house...my small house...and still had a great time. It was so good to see everyone again! Emma's last day was so rushed and not everyone was working that day that had taken care of her so we didn't get to say good-bye and thank everyone. Also...that little girl of ours helped us create a bond with all of these people and we don't want that bond to break...we enjoyed getting to know everyone...even during the circumstance that we were in. Pretty special...anyway...we had fun...lots of food...lots of stories and remembering...and lots of making plans for future get togethers! Thank you to everyone who came...it was good to see you all! And thank you to all our family who helped us put on this party...who came to help clean my house...and who helped get the food ready and helped put it out that day...and let me and Jon be able to socialize! Other than not too much is new with us. Jon did get the backyard done...it's so cool...and beautiful. I'll post a picture so you all can see it! But I think I'm going to close for now....today was five months since Emmalee's heart surgery...one of the worst days of my life...I was struck that day with such worry...that worry is so unbearable...I pray that I never feel that kind of worry again...and I was just telling my sis-in-law, Annette, about the long walk...down the white hall...how awful it was and how I wanted to request a wheelchair 'cause I literally felt like I could just pass out at any minute...and she was surprised that they didn't offer one...especially since I had just had a baby. But the strength was there for me and I got through it...we got through it. And we have new relationships with people that we would have never had...for that...we are very grateful to God. Well have a great week all...here's a few pictures for you!

Isn't my backyard so pretty! My husband is so talented!

More backyard pictures....the paver patio has a 3 foot fire pit in the middle of it! Fun huh!

I forgot to put this image on with her other pictures of her stone...this is just a little sentiment on the front of her stone...just a statement we believe to be true. There is also a heart on the front corner that says...Loved dearly by her mommy and daddy, Ali and Jon.

Okay...can I tell you how weird it is to see your own name on a funeral plot map!?!

5 Months

5 months ago...that seems so hard to believe. At 3:16 p.m. today I would have had a five month old. And I tell you...today...with the kind of cramps I am having...I remember labor very well...ha! Hard to believe that that much time has past...seems so long ago and yet like it was yesterday...and yet at the same time by God's grace it actually has been bearable and we have made it through. And I have to say...when anyone ever said "Not a day goes by that I don't think of so and so..." I found that statement hard to believe. Not a day? But let me tell you folks...I don't think that way anymore....I can tell you with certainty that not a day goes by without thinking of Emma...and lately...not a day goes by where I don't get just a few tears in my eyes...they might not fall...'cause I try to be real strong...but they do sting...and my heart gets real heavy...5 months...can it really be?!? I was watching the news last week and they were doing a follow-up story on a little girl in the cities who actually has hypoplastic left heart syndrome...I don't know her whole story...my ears just perked up as soon as I heard she has a heart condition (I tell you...I'm much more in tune to heart stuff anymore)...anyway...she is 5 and ended up needing a heart transplant...she did get it...and now it's a year long wait to make sure her body doesn't reject it...and if it doesn't...then she has about 20 years until she needs another one. Now...I think this should be good news...but I couldn't help but think...that poor little girl...she's going to be okay for a little while here...but then she's going to have to worry again that her heart will give out on her and will there be another heart for her when she needs it! This got me thinking in a whole new way of Emmalee's condition. I truly believe that God knew how bad Emmalee's heart was and He knew she'd have a long road ahead of her and a hard life....He loved her so much that He couldn't let her stay here with us. He also didn't let her die in the hands of the surgeon...He wouldn't have wanted Dr. Burkhart to blame himself for Emmalee's death...and he wouldn't want us questioning whether they had done everything they could have done for her in surgery....He let me and Jon be in there for her final test to see her blood clots...and He let Emmalee's body be the bad guy and take her from us...no one to blame...rejoicing that she was finally healed...rejoicing that she will never be a scared little girl wondering if her heart was going to give out...or being a 25 year old wondering the same thing. Emmalee is in a better place...she has been for almost 5 months...she is missed so dearly...it hurts...but she doesn't and that's all that matters. We got her rock completely done...it's so pretty...but now it's almost hard to see her picture there...when it was just her name it didn't really click that she was buried there...now with her cute little face right there in front of you...it's hard...but it's so pretty and so suiting for our little Emmalee. Enjoy the pictures!

Sunday Night

Well your prayers must have worked! I had just one little serving of taco meat left over after all had been served at the Ronald McDonald House dinner! I'm talking like only one taco could have been filled with the amount I had left! Plenty of lettuce, cheese, shells, and chips left though! Four bags of lettuce to be exact! But it was a really fun night. It was good to be back and a little hard. You kinda miss being in that environment...because if you were there that would mean you would have a child to be there for. And yet I don't envy the couples and families we met there. We met one family from WI that had been there previously...only to have to come back as soon as they got to their home because their sons cancer had come back...they've been there since March (Jon and I thought they looked familiar) and they hope to be home right after Thanksgiving...the kid said that was okay with him just as long as they were home for Christmas and his birthday. What a good attitude! And then there was the couple from Menominee, WI who had a baby born prematurely....he told us that he had built up time off from working overtime this last winter snow plowing (he works for the highway dept.) and that even though that time was running out all of his co-workers were donating their days off so that he could stay down there with his wife and baby. Jon and I were talking...stories like that really should be on the news...the goodness of people in today's world...you don't hear stories like that very often. There were a lot of couples there who had babies in the NICU...it was fun talking to them and about their experiences...and we all agreed...all the nurses up there are wonderful! So in all it was a very successful night and a very rewarding and fun night! And we got to deposit a bunch of pop tops in their big house box...that was fun for the kids! We can't wait to do it again! Other than that...we've been busy getting our house and our yard ready for the party we are having at our house on September 14th...we invited all of Emmalee's doctors and nurses...we just wanted to give them a proper thank you and figured this would be a fun way to do it...we just hope we have a good turnout...we'd love to see them all again! Sometime I'll have to post pictures on here of our transformation! It's looking so nice...Jon is really doing a good job! And...this weekend is Defeat of Jesse James weekend...so it will be full of fun activities! It's always a good time around Northfield. Also...one more note...Emma's headstone should be completely finished this weekend when the granite piece with her picture gets placed! Exciting! Well...hope you all have a great week...we'll chat with you later!

Ronald McDonald House

Hi all! I am happy to report that this week has been a very good week (so far;) ). Looking at your comments it amazes me that God laid us on your hearts to pray for us...how awesome is that?! And I appreciate them so much. I've told some of you that I just think those 13 days every month (for awhile) will affect me...when I see the dates...and realize that Emmalee would have been 4 months...or...I can't believe 4 months ago I was visiting my little girl in the NICU...or 4 months ago my Emma had heart surgery...or 4 months ago we lost our Emmalee. Anniversaries have a way of affecting us...most of us can remember exactly where we were on 911....most of us can remember where we were when we lost our grandma...or grandpa...most of us remember our happy moments as well...the day we met our husband/wife...the day our husband proposed to us...I still can remember where I was on July 24th, 1988...I was at my cousins Bible School...sitting outside...and having my mom and uncle come and get us to tell us that our Grandma Mary had passed away. And that's been 20 years....I sent my mom flowers this year....because I knew it would be a hard day for her...20 years later and when that anniversary comes around I pray extra hard for her 'cause I know it's hard not having a mom around. And so...I know that April 10-23 will always be a hard time of the year for me...but I think for awhile the 10th through the 23rd every month will be hard...that's just the way it is. Anyway...now I'm just rambling. I titled this entry as the Ronald McDonald House because I'm excited to be able to go serve a meal there this Sunday and I've been working on getting ready for Sunday today. I went to Sam's Club and got all the stuff and I've been cooking up hamburger like crazy to freeze so it's ready for Sunday...tacos are on the menu:)...every Sunday and Wednesday night (and sometimes Tuesdays) a group comes into the Ronald House and serves a meal for the families there...let me tell you what a blessing that was to come "home" to after a long day at the hospital. We knew we'd have a hot meal...and we didn't have to cook it! So Jon and I wanted to give back...so we recruited the Feldman side (the Watts' are serving at a later date) and we go down on Sunday night...I'm excited...can you tell! If you all live near a Ronald House I'd encourage you to look into serving a meal...I know they'd greatly appreciate it! And I just can't tell you how much the Ronald House means to us...they were there for us when we needed them...when I think of the House I think of these verses from the Bible:



Then the King will say to those on His right hand, "Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me."

Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, "Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?" And the King will answer and say to them, "Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me."



Aren't those good verses to live by. I need to remember to look around me more often and see those around me who need me. Well I'll quit rambling for now....just pray that we don't run out of food on Sunday...that would be so embarrassing! I hate guessing how much food to make or prepare...but I think I'm set! But I'm so excited to meet some of the people living at the House now...so many different stories and different walks of life...I just pray we will be a blessing to the people we will serve on Sunday. Well...I'm going to go for now...talk to you all next Wednesday...I'll let you know how it went!

Washed by the Water

Hi all! Well I think it's getting easier again. I can't really explain it to you all but I'll try. I think the fact that I should have been celebrating my birthday with my four month old daughter (if you recall we both have birthday's on the 10th...hers April...mine August) really put me in a funk...it's not like I was depressed or anything...I was just sad...and kept reliving all of our 13 days we had with Emmalee. I thought about the day of her surgery...how we were waiting for the news that they were finally done and she was on her way up to her room...I remember sitting in the waiting room and all of a sudden I remembered that Survivor was on...I thought I could try to watch that and try to take my mind off of what was going on. Well...it did help a little until the two nurses came and got us and told us that the doctor needed to talk to us again. You know that feeling in your stomach...it hurts and it feels nervous...I almost have that right now just thinking about how I felt then. Argh...we had to take that long walk (well it felt long) down the stark white hallway...down to the meeting room right outside the surgical rooms. And then we waited...and Dr. Burkhart came in...I will never forget the tired and defeated look he had on his face. Remember...he had already talk to us once....the surgery had gone fine but she just needed a little help so they put her on the ECMO machine...now...they had a whole different problem...her body threw a clot...did it go to her brain....did it not...only time will tell. Yes...this past week I was reliving all these memories in my head...it doesn't seem like four months could already have passed...and yet sometimes it seems so much longer. My arms ache sometimes...I just want to hold my baby. My good friend Sarah (hi Sarah) had twin girls in July and so she lets me come over and help her out and hold them...and that is so much fun...and yet it doesn't feel the same...how could it? You just want to feel this bond that only a mother and child can feel. But...and I know some days this feels like a big but (no pun intended!)...my day will come. It might be awhile...depending on how this body of mine works...or you never know...maybe God has a different way in which He'll make us parents...but I do believe that someday we will become parents and that ache and hurt will soften a bit. And I press on because I look forward to that day and time in our lives! Also, I think these past 10 days have been hard because (and this is going to sound crazy to some of you...and that's okay...someday maybe you'll understand) I believe that the devil has been trying to get at me...I feel like he is trying to discourage me and make me doubt in myself and who and how big God really is. It's easy for us to get into these pity parties for ourselves and sometimes it's hard to get out (not that I'm saying it's not okay for me to grieve...). One big event in my life just happened on Sunday...I finally got baptized! I never had been and always wanted to (well actually to be honest I was always a little nervous to get dunked in front of everyone) but it never really worked out...then our church was holding a baptism service out at Crystal Lake and so my whole family decided to do it. My dad was the first, even though he's been baptized before, he said he didn't really remember it so he wanted to do it again. Jon and I decided that we'd do it...this year has been such a true test of my faith and I have to say that it's stronger now that ever before. I was watching the Steven Curtis interview with Larry King and his wife Mary Beth said something like this...I have been all the way to the bottom and the foundation is still strong (or something along those lines)...and I totally feel that way...I know what she's saying and what she means. All that I've ever believed in and said that I believe in is true...it's been proven to me over this past year. What's that song...the foolish man built his house on the sand but the wise man built his house on the rock...and when the rain came down and the flood came up and the foolish mans house went splat but the wise mans house stayed firm. I have built my foundation on the Rock and He remained solid! So...getting back to the baptism...Jon and I decided that it would be a good time to do it. Then my mom had been baptised as an infant so she wanted to do it again and then Sam decided he didn't want to be left out :) so he joined us as well! It was a beautiful day and a beautiful service! And I truly believe that the devil was trying to get at me this week because (and Jon too) because he knew we were going to do this on Sunday...there were a couple times where we said...I don't think we should do it...I'm just not feeling good enough...or this just doesn't seem right...I'm not ready...and that took a toll on me. But I just said no...I'm doing it...it's going to be great. And you know what...this week has already been easier than last. Well anyway...I'll get off my soapbox now :) and wish you all a good week. Oh...on a little side note...my co-worker, Chris, had his surgery...all went well with that...we went down to see him at Mayo (which also brought back memories) and when we were down there we got to see Connie, one of Emma's nurses...that was fun. Chris was recovering at home when he went numb on his left side. They took him back down there and I guess he had a small stroke but he is doing better now and he's even back at work (which I've told him is crazy but he doesn't listen to me!)...anyway...thank you all for your prayers for him...I know he greatly appreciated it! And on one more side note...have you all been enjoying the Olympics? I'm quite annoyed actually...here I think I don't like to watch them...and now I can't go to bed because I'm glued to what's happening! Maybe that's part of my emotional problem...I'm tired 'cause I'm up watching the Olympics!:) I have to go to bed now! Take care!

Hard Day

Hi friends. I don't know really why it is but today seemed like a hard day. And I think I'll just leave it at that for now. I promise I'll write more next week. I hope you all have a great week...take care of yourselves! Oh...wait...I do have one prayer request...tomorrow my friend Chris (who is also my co-worker) is having his surgery to fix the hole in his heart...please pray for his surgeons and for his nerves :) Well...until next week...

8-8-07

I will never forget this day just one year ago. Quite possibly one of the happiest days of my life (of course marrying Jon and the birth of Emmalee are at the very top...but this one follows close behind)...this was the day I found out I was actually going to become a mom. I remember right where I was and what I was doing....I was working. I knew that I would find out this day because I had to go take a blood test to find out...when you do fertility treatments that's just part of it...and I had peed on so many sticks in the past...just to find out that I was not pregnant...that I was not going to do that this time...why be disappointed again. The funny things was that this was the first time I thought that I wasn't pregnant...didn't think it had happened. So anyway...back to the day. We had gone out to eat for my birthday at work (which is also one of the reasons I will never forget this day...it's 2 days before my birthday and what could have been a better birthday gift...in fact Jon took me away last year on my birthday and we celebrated the whole weekend the fact that we were going to be parents!) and I didn't feel 100%...not sick...just not right...I had the feeling that I was really, really full and I hadn't eaten that much at all. Well we got back to the shop and the clinic still hadn't called so I called them because I knew they closed at 3:30...the secretary told me that they had gotten a fax with my results and she'd have a nurse call me...well she didn't sound too positive so I didn't get my hopes up. My next client came in and I told her that I was waiting for a call from my dr. office and that if I got it I needed to excuse myself...well at around 3:30 the nurse finally called...and wouldn't you know it...she said, "well, your pregnant"...now understand this is the nurse that is not my favorite at the clinic and she's not the warmest person...so this was her being excited for me...I just kept saying...you have to be kidding me...you have to be kidding me. And now I have to go back and finish my client....well I did...I might have been shaking a little more....when I told her at her next appointment what that phone call really was about she asked me how I ever finished her haircut! I don't know...but she didn't have any complaints about it so it must have been okay! And then wouldn't you know I had my dad next...and of course I couldn't tell him because I hadn't even told Jon yet...in fact I lied to Jon and said that I hadn't gotten the results yet and now they were closed! More on that later. Anyway...dad came in...haircut...and then dinner...and I still had that feeling in my stomach but I sucked it up and ate anyway (my second time at Applebees that day) and he sat there telling me to not get discouraged...that someday I'd have kids...it was a nice talk and all the while I'm trying not to smile because I know something. Thanks dad by the way...you always know the right things to say (he's the one who had to listen to me complain at the age of 20 that I was never going to find a husband...and he'd tell me to be patient...you will sometime...you have plenty of time...and then on my 21st birthday again telling me that I wasn't getting old and I'd find someone soon...I met Jon 2 months later!...again...thanks dad). So anyway...after dinner I went home and Jon still wasn't there...and so I put his little gifts out by the bathroom sink for him...bib and onesies that said "I love my daddy"...and then I decided that I wanted to see the 2 pink lines so I took the home pregnancy test that I had and home...and finally...I got to see what I had longed to see...2 pink lines! Well Jon got home and I had all that sitting on the counter...he went in to take a shower and I just waited outside the door...waiting for him to see his little gifts...and I waited and waited and waited...I thought he'd see them right away...all of a sudden the door flew open and he asked if this was for real...and I said...yep...I lied to you...they called today to confirm it! Oh happy day!

8-8-07 -- 8-8-08

What a year! I was just reflecting on it on my way home. And today I cried. I haven't cried in a least a week or more...but today I did. It all hit me. Last year I was so excited that I was going to have a baby to celebrate my birthday with...our lives were going to change forever...and that scared the crap out of me...but I was happy! Yes...a lot can happen in the course of a year...and our lives have been changed forever. And for the good. I wouldn't change a thing about this past year...it's exactly the way it's suppose to be...even if I don't like it sometimes. Thank you for being on this journey with us...all your love and support and prayers have been so encouraging to us. We put this on the front of Emmalee's stone:

God used this one little girl,
with her special little heart,
to change the world forever!
God is good, all the time!

And I definitely find this statement to be true. Thanks for letting me share this special memory with you...I hope you all have a wonderful 8-8-08!