April 23, 2011

Oh my dear Emmalee...you've been gone from us for 3 years now. I still can't believe it. I have so much to say and I am so tired tonight. We celebrated your life all day today and talked about what we were doing 3 years ago...and we reflected on all the memories we made with you. You are always in our hearts and always on our minds...we miss you sweet baby girl...Heaven was already a wonderful place but now that you are there I long for it even more :) I'll write more later on all that we did today and all the emotions that went into it...but for now I am tired and I got to get ready for bed...tomorrow is Easter...and I can't believe that you get to spend the day with the King of Kings...

I love you...and always will!
Mommy

My Dearest Emmalee:

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl! I'm pretty sure that I was up this early the day of your birth too...if not even earlier. Just knowing you were coming was enough to make it hard to sleep...let alone the fact that I was huge and uncomfortable :) Oh Em, how I miss you so. You would have been 3 today...I can't believe that. It seems like it's gone so fast and so slow all at the same time. I woke up this morning with such a heavy chest...I had a dream we were back in the hospital but this time we were just there to visit and someone else was losing their baby...and I knew exactly how they felt...and when I woke up my chest hurt so bad...I must have been really tense while I was dreaming it...and then the tears came...and they are still coming. Three years is a lot of time and a lot of healing has been done, but three years is also so short and the hurt is still there...I can't wait to see you in Heaven so I can see what you would have looked like...what you would have sounded like...what your personality would have been like. I bet you would have been really sweet with a streak of stubbornness in you :) A good mix of your momma and daddy! hahaha! Just kidding! But wait I will and that time will go fast I'm sure...and Em...as much as I miss you I'm so glad that you are up there and that you are perfect and healed...I really think that your life here would have been so hard and so filled with trips to the doctor and hospital to have more surgeries...and I'm so glad that you don't have to worry about that...'cause can I tell you a secret...your momma is a worrier...I know that we are not suppose to be and I really try hard not to but worry is definitely one of my downfalls...and I was so worried that you would be 10 years old and that you would be worried about your heart all the time...worried that it would give out on you (and now from what I've read, heart transplants aren't out of the question for kids with hypoplastic left hearts...as they get older a lot of them end up needing them)...and I didn't want that for you...I wanted you to live your life without worries...without a care in the world...and even though I would wish you back in a heartbeat...it does me good knowing that you never for one second had to worry in your life...because worrying is a bad feeling. And it does me good knowing that you have lots of friends and family up there to play with...we've lost a lot of good people in the 3 years that you've been gone and every time I wonder..."have they met Emmalee yet?"...and I also bet that you are doing a good job keeping your brothers in line too...make sure to give Owen and Cooper a big hug from mommy and daddy. Well my sweet girl I better wrap up this letter. I just wanted to write and tell you how much I miss you. And to let you know that you are never far from my mind. Three years ago was one of the happiest days of my life...when you entered it at 3:16 p.m. my whole life change...in a good way. You've touched a lot of peoples lives little girl and I know there are many waiting to meet you some day. We are going to celebrate your life again today by flying our kites and releasing our balloons...if you get a second you might want to look down and see...it will be pretty...but I know you are probably having too good of a time up there to check in on us :) Happy Birthday again my sweet Emmalee...you are loved!

Love

Mommy (and Daddy and Natalee)

This was you...all fresh and new. This is one of my favorite (well they are all my favorite) pictures of you...it was the first time I really got to see you because after I pushed you out they said "open your eyes" and so I did and they held you up real quick and then they were taking you out of the room already...you were so beautiful even with the goop still on your head...and little did we know at the time this picture was taken what the next 13 days would hold...which is a good thing...right here in this picture was bliss...after this the roller coaster ride started...but I love in this picture how you looked like you were saying "hi dad...I'm here!" So sweet Emmalee. We love you.

To: My Sweet Boys

It doesn't seem possible that 2 years ago today I said hello and good-bye to you all in a very short 38 minutes total. I can't even put into words how I even feel about that. Those 19 minutes that I had with each of you has left me with a lifetime of memories...not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wonder what you would have looked like, what you would be doing now, what your personality would have been like, what my house would have looked like with 2 trouble makers running around, how different our lives would have been...I could go on and on and on...but obviously you weren't meant to stay...God had your days numbered before you were even conceived and you lived exactly the number of days in my tummy that you were suppose to and the exact number of minutes on this earth too! And now you're in the glorious presence of Jesus and all of us here are a little jealous :) The one good thing is that I don't have to worry about you...I know that you are safe in the arms of Jesus and you will be there to greet me when my number of days on earth are done...which I told your daddy will be before his are 'cause I'm tired of burying people...so we agreed we'd go together so we will both get to see you two at the same time :) haha! You two will always be my sweet baby boys and my heart will always have a little piece missing from it...that is until we meet again and all will be made right and whole again...it will be at that time that your daddy and me will have our complete healing! :) So happy birthday to my boys...I hope Heaven has the biggest cake for you today...I love you and can't wait to hold you again...give Emmalee a hug from me too...and until we meet again...

I love you!

Mommy

Missing Emmalee...

Yep...today...and actually for the last couple of days...I've really been missing Emmalee. I've held Natalee especially close and just let myself wonder what it would have been like to really hold Emmalee. Sure...I did get to hold her close after she was gone...which would have been exactly 2 years ago this day and this time...but it wasn't the same...her life wasn't there to really hold...she was already being held by Jesus. I think her death anniversary brings up way more emotions than her birthday...I think it's because on her birthday we were just so excited that she was finally here and we had no idea of the road we were going to have to walk...for the 13 days that would follow her birth....for the next weeks, months and now...years. Thank goodness we don't know what the future holds 'cause I don't think I would have been able to do it if I knew what was coming. So...yes...her birthday is more of an exciting and happy memory...but these 13 days in between are more memories of what we were doing those days, what Emmalee was going through...like...on the 14th was the day of her first surgery...then the 17th was her big heart surgery...then two days ago it was the day of the "oh she's doing really good" to the "oh...I don't think she's going to make it...we should give her a few more days but I don't think it's going to be good". Jon and I were talking last night in bed...he was wondering how we even slept the night before she went to Heaven...and how did we even walk into the hospital knowing what we were going to have to do...what decision we were going to have to make. He said that he was ready on the Monday night just to let her go...but I was not. I thought...what if...just what if this could be fixed....and the doctors said...let's give her a few more days and see...they said that there would probably not be a change but you never know...and they also advised us that if one of us was not ready to let go then they wouldn't do anything because if one is not ready then they will always wonder "what if"...so true...by that Wednesday I knew that she was not going to get better....they let us be in on the ECHO of her heart and I could see the clots...and I knew...there was not a decision to be made...it was being made for us. Also, what makes it so hard is that not only did I lose a baby but I had to watch her go through all that she did. By the time it was all said and done, not only did Em have a heart defect and an esophagus issue but she had major brain damage. Ugh...what a crushing blow to hear that. Her brain was perfectly fine but because of these clots in her heart she developed brain damage. And even though I am really sad right now I won't stay this way because I am so glad that she doesn't have to deal with any of that anymore...she is perfectly healed in Heaven...no more heart defect...no more brain damage...perfect little body for a perfect little angel. And like I posted to Facebook...I'm missing Em today...but she is not missing me :) Thanks for letting me share my thoughts and my heart with you today. And thanks for the extra prayers you're sending our way. Make sure you hug your kids tight and tell them that you love them...I'm tempted to wake Emmalee's sister up right now to do just that...but I am smarter than that and I'll do it later :)

Did you find one of our balloons?

Well if you did would you please leave a comment here and let us know where you found it! We'd love to hear...and we thank you in advance for coming on our blog to do so! Have a great day!

A Celebration Recap

We had a great day celebrating what would have been Emmalee's 2nd birthday last Saturday. We couldn't have asked for a better day...well....a little more wind to fly our kites would have been nice but we still had fun. Leading up to the day I had been feeling way way under the weather...sore throat, runny nose, all the icky stuff...so the day of her birthday was still a little trying for me as I still wasn't feeling the greatest. But I didn't want to cancel so the party went on! I figured I didn't have a fever so I couldn't stay in bed! And I'm glad I didn't...it is so much fun celebrating our girl and having our family around to help us celebrate. We did the same thing as last year...we met out at Valley Grove (the cemetery) and we flew our kites for a while (until the wind totally died!) and then we took time to write messages to Emma...the kids take such a long time making sure their pictures are perfect before attaching them to their balloons...and then we had our balloon release. This year the balloons went straight up...and they kept going and going and going...it will be real fun if we get a few responses to see where they ended up! After that we headed back to our house and had tacos and cupcakes...yum! And of course we had a bonfire :) After everyone left I crashed...held Natee and just cherished her for the gift from God that she is...and then I went to bed :) All in all it was a great day! Can't wait to celebrate again next year!

Natee with her Aunt B...so glad that I have this little girl in my life...she definitely made the day a lot easier!

All the cousins together...still makes me sad that we have to get pictures like this to get them all together. From L to R: Julia, Greta, Logan Jack, Natalee, Luke, Carter, Lily, Ella, and Levi

Celebrating Emmalee

My Dear Emmalee

Today, baby girl, you would have been two! Two...can you believe it! You would have been such a big girl! Two years ago today I was up even earlier than I am today preparing for you...me and your daddy were so excited to meet you...we headed down to Mayo early to check in....your daddy was so surprised that I wasn't more nervous about experiencing labor...I wasn't nervous 'cause I knew I had to do it so that I could meet you! They started the drugs to induce labor, a few hours later they broke my water, and then at 3:16 p.m. you made your appearance in this world! Luckily the nurse told me to open my eyes when you came out otherwise I would have missed seeing you for the first time...they took you away so fast to try to help you and your precious little heart. As we know, that little heart of yours was kind of a tricky one. Your doctors tried so hard...they really did...I hope I never have to see that look of defeat on someones face ever again. In 13 days we'll also be celebrating the day that you went to be with Jesus...that's an exciting thing to celebrate...while we wish that you were still here with us, we can't think of a better place for you to be. Emma, if you were still here with us, we would probably be starting to prepare for your last surgery...to be honest...I don't know if your mama could take it. I've heard too many stories about little heart babies that have had such a rough time...yes the do get to stay here with their moms and dads but they have to go through so much, and baby, I think that would be so hard to watch...all the time knowing that I couldn't switch places with you. That would make me so sad. But what I wouldn't do just to have 1 more hour to hold you and cuddle you and tell you how much I love you! But...just as John 3:16 says (and I love the fact that you were born at 3:16!): "For God so love the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believe in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." We know that you have everlasting life Emmalee...you are not dead...you are alive! And you are healed! And we will see you again...and we will hold you again...and we will tell you that we love you again! And until that day we will continue to celebrate you and the life that you had...because Emmalee...you made a difference in this world and your story has touched so many people. So baby girl...Happy Birthday! I hope that Heaven has birthday parties...and lots of cake! Have a piece for your mom and dad and sister too! And remind your brothers that you only get 2 birthday spankings and not any more :) We love you Emmalee and will continue to miss you until we are together again!

Love

Mommy

P.S. Daddy prayed last night (as he does most nights) that God would give you and your brothers a big hug and kiss from us...I hope you liked them :)