Here's to 2009!

As I said on the other blog...I can not believe that we are on the last day of 2008! Sometimes I'm tempted to say...well good riddance to 2008...but then I think...no...this was a great year. Sure it was filled with a lot of sadness and feelings that I wish I didn't have to feel...but 2008 also brought me my beautiful daughter and the experience to be a mom! And I wouldn't trade that for the world! This year was the year that Jon and I were suppose to have. I can't believe all that has come out of this year! A lot of growing was done. And God is giving us a happy ending to the year...so far everything seems to be going good with the twins...He's giving us the hope that we needed. Thank you to all of you who have been on this journey with us...I know I thank you a lot but I just want you all to know that we truly do appreciate you! Sorry that I didn't blog more during Christmas...it just seemed to get so busy...and then I didn't really feel like it...and then our Internet went down! But thank you to all who checked on us to see how this Christmas went...it wasn't as bad as I thought it could have been...it must have been all your prayers for us that guarded us! There were some times that were hard...like when all the kids at the Feldman's were opening up their present...you couldn't help but think that Emmalee should have been there. And then on Christmas Eve we went out to Valley Grove (where Emmalee is buried) and attended their service out there, just so we could be close to her and feel like we spent Christmas with her...even though that's only her body there...it just felt good to be close...but I bet she had the best Christmas ever...after all...she's spending it with the Christ Child in person...she may not have gotten to sit on Santa's lap but I think Jesus' lap would be much more comfortable! I'm so happy for her! Well I just want to wish you all a Happy New Year! I hope you all have a wonderful 2009...full of lots of happy moments! And I just want to encourage you all to be praying for all the other moms and dads out there who have lost children this year...being in this new "club" you realize how many people have lost babies and children...and my heart aches for them. Thank you for lifting them up as well! Until next time...

I couldn't figure it out

I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so weepy today....then I remembered that it would have been Emmalee's 8 month birthday. Wow...I still can't believe that! (And on a side note...today on my soap...I know...it's bad to watch them...it's my dirty little secret...I catch up on them when I am actually at home during the day...anyway...today on my soap they had to have a funeral for a little baby...I thought that was so unfair...it brought on so many tears!) Actually this whole week I have felt weepy and I'm sure some of that has to do with my raging hormones right now with these two little blessings inside of me! Truly a gift...as was Emmalee. She did give us all a gift, as most of you have told me how much her story has meant to you...her story seems to hit everyone a little different...hits you right where you are at. To me...that is truly a miracle. It still amazes me that God can use our circumstances to help others with theirs. Anyway...I just wanted to touch base with all of you. This Christmas season I think is going to be hard on me (and Jon for that matter)...like I've said before...all the first are hard. I think I'm going to be a little bit weepier...and I know I already feel like a Scrooge. I don't know what's up with me but I just can not get into the Christmas spirit! Isn't that awful! I think so. Part of it I think is losing Emmalee...the other is the miracles growing inside of me...they are making me awfully exhausted! Well I hope you all are enjoying the Christmas Season...it is getting really beautiful here in MN with all the snow we've been getting. And I'm very thankful for Christmas and for being able to celebrate Christ's birth. For with out that...I wouldn't have the assurance that my little girl is in Heaven and that someday I will get to see her again. Thank you Lord for sending your Son down to Earth for us...to die for our sins and be able to live with you in paradise someday...I thank you that you know my hurt, after all, your Son had to die as well...and I thank you for being there for us...all of us...ready to meet us where we are at. Have a wonderful Christmas everyone! Oh...and we took a tree out to Emmalee's grave...we decorated it the other night...I think it looks cute! We thought it'd be kind of a fun tradition for our family to decorate a tree for Emmalee every year. I also bought some solar powered lights...they hadn't charged yet so I think we are going to go out tomorrow night to see if they actually work...if not....they are going back to Target...those things were expensive! Well...I hope you like Emmalee's First Christmas Tree!

Love~
Ali

New Blog

Just a quick update for you all...I have created a new blog...I just didn't want to use this blog for updating you all on other happenings in our lives...this has come to be Emmalee's blog and it will stay that way. So here's our new address:

feldmancrew.blogspot.com

Feel free to go and check it out! Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. We sure did! And I didn't even stuff myself too full! Have a great week!

Strength Will Rise

Hi all! Sorry...time has gotten away from me as we approach Thanksgiving...and I thought I'd write today because I know tomorrow will be busy! Work has been very busy, which is always a blessing, but then I just come home and crash...I didn't know I could be such a couch potato! Anyway...last week I think it was I heard a song on the radio that instantly brought me back to our time in the hospital with Emmalee. As you may recall, the Thursday that Emmalee had her surgery they made us stay the night in the hospital...looking back I know it was because they didn't think she'd make it through the night and they wanted us there so we'd be able to say good-bye. Well, she did make it through and the next morning they told us to go back to the Ronald House and get cleaned up, take a nap (since sleep didn't come very easy that night...they stuck us in a small room, with no windows and I felt like the walls could come in at any moment...I didn't want the lights shut off all the way 'cause it was so dark in there...I'm not afraid of the dark but that night I think I might have been...I actually think I was having small panic attacks that night...I didn't want Jon to leave me...if I fell asleep I made him promise to wake me up if he was going to go anywhere...I did not want to wake up and find him not there...he was a good husband and did just that for me...he's so good to me), and get something to eat. I remember Jon and I getting into the elevator and us both saying..."Man...we stink!"...and then going down to the underground parking garage. Your radio doesn't work down there, but as we came up the ramp and into the sunlight, this is the song that was playing:

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

Wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever

Our hope, our Strong Deliverer

You are the everlasting God

The everlasting God

You do not faint

You won’t grow weary

You’re the defender of the weak

You comfort those in need

You lift us up on wings like eagles

And I think for the first time I realized that God was going to give us that strength...He was going to prove that He is enough...and He gives us the strength as we wait upon Him. I know I've said it time and time again...but I did feel like I had been given this supernatural strength that I don't know where it would have come from if not from God. And I like the last part of the song...we were faint and we were weary...but that's okay...because He doesn't get that way...we need to just lean on Him...He will carry us...and He was the defender of the weak...He took Emmalee Home to be with Him where she is not weak anymore...and He has brought us much comfort. Wow...what a song...who knew that it could fit our story so well...now that is totally a God thing! Well I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! We have much to be thankful for...and while this first Thanksgiving I know will be hard, we are able to look back at this year and find that God has given us so much and Emmalee's story is still reaching people, and I find that to be a true blessing! He gave us an incredible little girl...thanks be to God! He is good...all the time! Happy Thanksgiving!

7 Months

I still can't believe it every time I write another number in front of the word months...seven this time. Can it really be that long ago? I guess that's a good sign...life is going good in spite of our loss. Time does make it more manageable...and God does that as well. Although on Sunday we had to sing the gives and takes away song...tears almost always come when I sing that song...sometimes I wish we'd quite singing it...but the words are good and I find it's good to cry. Anyway...as I was reading my Bible this week I've been focusing on Romans 8. If you've never read Romans I would highly encourage it...there is so much good stuff in this book. But starting with verse 28 and continuing to the end of the chapter it is titled More Than Conquerors. And although I've read these verses before they took on a whole new meaning for me this week. Verse 28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." In all things...good...can I really say that. Well...yes I can. I have seen so many good changes in people and heard so many stories that yes...although we have experienced pain and wish she was here with us, God has used this time for good. Then 35 & 37 say this, "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?" "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." Wow...I like that. I can see that through times like these people might be tempted to blame God...I know people who do...but thankfully He is right there for us...with his love...I picture him standing there with arms wide open, waiting to hold us. And I am very thankful for the people he sends into our live to actually give us that physical touch...to hold us when we cry and grieve with us. That is His love...in human form. Well I might as well finish out the chapter, although I do hope some of you can take the time to read through this and ponder it in your own lives. Verse 38-39 "For I am convince that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Emmalee is experiencing his love through her death...she is the lucky one being able to be in the very presence of our God. We all have to wait a while to get there. But none of us know when that will be...maybe tomorrow...or next week...or in another 100 years...so it's nice to know that even in life we can feel that same love...I also just want to encourage you if you do not know for certain that when you die you will go to Heaven and experience this great love for yourself in the presence of God, please do turn to him and ask him to become your Lord and Savior. It's really that easy...if you ever need anyone to talk to I am always here...contact me. I know that He is real...His comfort is real...His love is real. I would not be where I am today if He was not. I'll get off my soap box now. On another side note...we are going to a memorial service down at Mayo this weekend for all the families that have lost children this year. I just got an e-mail with some info on the events of the weekend and I counted 22 names on the e-mail list. Please just be in prayer for us during this time. I think it's going to be hard...but good. It will be real good connecting with these other families and hearing their stories. But I'm sure there will be plenty of tears...I'll pack my Kleenex's! I hope you all have a wonderful week...sorry I didn't post last week...didn't have much to say I guess! (Surprising huh!)
~Ali

Emmalee's name in print

So this last week we received in the mail our copy of the Ronald McDonald House newsletter. It's such a nice newsletter...full color...glossy...like a little magazine. I really enjoy receiving it and learning what's going on there and to read the stories about the little ones who do have success stories. I think this must be a quarterly thing for them to send out...since we've only received one other one. Well this newsletter turns out to have a little more meaning for us. First of all, when I got the page of donations made there was Emmalee's name...thank you to all of you who have donated to the Ronald McDonald House in our sweet little girls name. It means so much to us to have her honored in this way. The House was so good to us and a much needed retreat from the hospital...we definitely count the House as one of our top charities to give to. And then I saw the next page...it was a page listing all the angels who had gotten their wings from March 1, 2008 - July 31, 2008...and there was Emmalee Feldman listed at the top. Oh the tears streamed down...the heart wrenching pain started...just more of a reality check to me that I have a daughter that is no longer with me. Thank goodness I do know where she is at but it is still hard! The other sad part was reading through the rest of the names...there were 7 total. Seven families...seven mom's and dad's...who are going through the same thing we are. I grieve for them knowing how hard it is. I wish I could take all their pain away from them! But I can't...I can just pray for them. Pray that God would surround them with His love and that they will know the comfort of the Great One. I hope all of you will someday feel that love, if you haven't already, that Jon and I have felt. Losing a child is not easy...but with God we are making it through and we have had many brighter days because we know Him. Take care this week...keep collecting your pop tabs...every little one helps the Ronald McDonald House with its mission! And give all your kids a big hug and kiss! Thank you!

Six Months with Jesus

I decided to post today instead of yesterday since today is the six month anniversary of Emmalee's homecoming...six months ago at 12 noon Emmalee went to meet Jesus...and she's been completely healed since then! How awesome is that. But I know today will be kinda hard for Jon and I...so at noon...if you read this today...please send up a quick prayer for us. I'm thankful that we will both be at work today...it makes it easier when we are busy. Yesterday was so gloomy out that it was a pretty good day of reflecting...just looking at her picture...what a cute little thing:) Anyway...I'm just rambling now. This six month mark is kinda surreal. At this point I was thinking that she would have had her 2nd surgery...she would have been close to coming home, if not home already, and we would have had some time with her before having another surgery because that one would have been between the ages of 2-3. But even that wouldn't have been a guarantee...she might not have survived the 2nd surgery...or the third...and from some blogs I've read...she could have developed major infections and had something completely different to deal with. So I rejoice today that my sweet baby girl does not have to endure any of that...yes...to be selfish I would say...well we could deal with that...at least we'd have Emmalee here with us...but to be completely unselfish I'm so glad that God knows what is best for each and every one of us and he chose to have Emmalee come and sit on His lap instead of mine. Well, thanks for letting me take a little time to reflect. I hope you all have a wonderful October 23!