5 years

Oh Emmalee...how can it be true.  You would have been 5 today.  Say it ain't so.  Tell me that that much time hasn't passed already.  We miss you so much.  Not in the miss you wish you were here sense (because we know you are where you are suppose to be) but in the miss and wonder what you would have been like...who you would have been.  What you would have looked like.  Who you would have acted like.  What would your life have looked like.  All those wonders make me miss you.  And make me miss the time that we had with you.  Those thirteen days were some of the hardest and best days of my life all rolled into one.  I can still to this day smell the hospital...for whatever reason I will get a whiff of it every so often and it brings me right back to the sink in the NICU...scrubbing with the soap and little brush and then using my foot to push the pedal to rinse it all off.  And then the smell of the sanitizer outside of your room that we would have to use each and every time we entered to see you...it all comes back to me and makes me think of you :)  You were so tiny and so so cute...you looked so big to me but in all reality you were tinier than any of your siblings that are still on this earth...you were only 6 lbs but next to all those other babies in the NICU you looked huge!!  When Charlie was born he was 6 lb 15 oz...almost a full pound bigger than you...and he was tiny!!  But after your surgery we got to get a glimpse of what you might look like at 3 months old...your poor body was so swollen from all the meds and fluids from your surgery.  They tried to prepare us for that...I don't think anyone can fully be prepared for what was reality...what the surgery did to you.  I am so thankful that we went through the surgery...we had to or you would have no chance at life...but looking back at pictures I wonder if you suffered at all.  Your daddy would say no...he fully believes that God took  you to Heaven the day you went in for surgery...that you were already safe in God's arms.  I don't know what I believe except for the fact that you were meant to go through what you did...we were meant to have you as our first born...and we were meant to share your story so that others might see the Love of God and the Strength of God and know that God is good ALL the time.  We miss you our sweet Emmalee.  Time has healed wounds but we will never be fully healed until we get to Heaven and receive our full healing...as you did on April 23, 2008.  Until that time we will keep missing you and sharing your story and living for the Lord...so that when we get up there you can introduce us to Jesus and we can hear the words "Well done good and faithful servant."  Emma...I hope you have the best birthday party in Heaven today...celebrate big with Owen, Cooper, and Oliver and all the friends that have joined you.  We love you and will celebrate you today.  When I asked Natalee whose birthday it was today she pointed to your picture on the wall and said "my baby Emma's!"  That made my heart glad.  She knows who you are and she's pretty sure that you'll be in her tummy someday :) hahaha!  We all know that won't happen but if she chooses to name her first girl after you well then I think that would be pretty cool.  Again my sweet girl...Happy Birthday...we love and miss you.  Always.

Love
Mommy

This is one of my favorite pictures of you!!  You looked so cozy...even with all those tubes...like you were sunbathing on a beach :)  If you were still with us on Earth you would have had snow on your 5th birthday!!  Crazy! 

My Sweet Boys

Four years have passed...four years since I've held your tiny bodies...four years since I've heard your little squeaks...four years since I've seen your little chests breathing your first and last little breaths...four years since I've seen your little heartbeats beating in your chests...four years since I've felt the warmth of your little bodies...four years since I've kissed your little heads...but not four years since I've last thought about you...wondered about you...and thanked God for your little lives.  Ahhh...can it really be four years today?!  As I think back to that terrible night, feeling so scared and ultimately knowing in my heart of hearts what was going to happen and trying to wish and pray it away, I still wonder why it had to be that way...why my body just gave out on carrying you two...why it couldn't have been just a few weeks later when you would have had a chance at life outside the womb...I know my questions will never be answered this side of Heaven and that's okay...but I also want you to know that I also feel such joy that I was able to meet you the morning of February 8, 2009...that you were born so alive and that God was so present with us that morning and still is near...even four years later.  I can't even begin to imagine with my earthly mind what you two have been able to experience in your lives already...what Heaven must really be like...I can only imagine that it is amazing!! And I can only imagine that I'm the one missing you and not the other way around...you are in the arm of our Heavenly Father, the one who loves you (and ALL of us) the most.  Your momma's arms ache for you but my arms are nothing compared to His...I can't wait to be held by Him too :)  Happy Earthly and Heavenly Birthday to the two cutest twin sons this momma could of ever had and has ever seen.  I miss you so much and long for the day that I get to be with you again.  It does bring me such joy (and sometimes sorrow) to know that you have your sister Emmalee and Oliver too along with many friends...Porter, Morgan, Gage, Matthew, John, Emma, Myah, Danny, Billy, Elaina, Hope, Gus, Halen, Audrey, Grace, Abby (and I'm sure I am missing some) to play with and run around Heaven with.  We have made so many connections with friends down here because of you and  your siblings...we have joined a club down here that none of us parents ever wanted to be a part of...but we are here and it is so nice that we do have each other to lean on and learn from.  So my beautiful boys...I love you.  I miss you.  Always.

Love
Mommy