Friday, February 8, 2013

My Sweet Boys



Four years have passed...four years since I've held your tiny bodies...four years since I've heard your little squeaks...four years since I've seen your little chests breathing your first and last little breaths...four years since I've seen your little heartbeats beating in your chests...four years since I've felt the warmth of your little bodies...four years since I've kissed your little heads...but not four years since I've last thought about you...wondered about you...and thanked God for your little lives.  Ahhh...can it really be four years today?!  As I think back to that terrible night, feeling so scared and ultimately knowing in my heart of hearts what was going to happen and trying to wish and pray it away, I still wonder why it had to be that way...why my body just gave out on carrying you two...why it couldn't have been just a few weeks later when you would have had a chance at life outside the womb...I know my questions will never be answered this side of Heaven and that's okay...but I also want you to know that I also feel such joy that I was able to meet you the morning of February 8, 2009...that you were born so alive and that God was so present with us that morning and still is near...even four years later.  I can't even begin to imagine with my earthly mind what you two have been able to experience in your lives already...what Heaven must really be like...I can only imagine that it is amazing!! And I can only imagine that I'm the one missing you and not the other way around...you are in the arm of our Heavenly Father, the one who loves you (and ALL of us) the most.  Your momma's arms ache for you but my arms are nothing compared to His...I can't wait to be held by Him too :)  Happy Earthly and Heavenly Birthday to the two cutest twin sons this momma could of ever had and has ever seen.  I miss you so much and long for the day that I get to be with you again.  It does bring me such joy (and sometimes sorrow) to know that you have your sister Emmalee and Oliver too along with many friends...Porter, Morgan, Gage, Matthew, John, Emma, Myah, Danny, Billy, Elaina, Hope, Gus, Halen, Audrey, Grace, Abby (and I'm sure I am missing some) to play with and run around Heaven with.  We have made so many connections with friends down here because of you and  your siblings...we have joined a club down here that none of us parents ever wanted to be a part of...but we are here and it is so nice that we do have each other to lean on and learn from.  So my beautiful boys...I love you.  I miss you.  Always.

Love
Mommy

4 comments:

The Athearns said...

What a beautiful tribute to your sons, Ali. And I like to think, too, that your kids and my Matthew have met and are having a hey day up there together. :) Thank you for sharing the picture, too. Amazing how beautiful and perfect they are. Love you...

Michelle M. said...

This is beautiful, Ali! Thank you for sharing your boys with us. I know that they have touched my life.

Amy Sillanpa said...

You always write such beautiful thoughts about your children. It is always an inspiration to me. I know our boys and the other little angels are playing together in Heaven.

SingerMamaMelody said...

I just found your blog through a mutual friend. I'm so sorry for your losses and share in some of your pain. My husband and I had two early miscarriages followed by a late term stillbirth. We lost our daughter Solveig last February 29th, 2012 at 33.5 weeks to a cord accident. I'll have to read more of your blogs. So excited to learn of your adoption journey as well. God be with you.