Missing Emmalee...

Yep...today...and actually for the last couple of days...I've really been missing Emmalee. I've held Natalee especially close and just let myself wonder what it would have been like to really hold Emmalee. Sure...I did get to hold her close after she was gone...which would have been exactly 2 years ago this day and this time...but it wasn't the same...her life wasn't there to really hold...she was already being held by Jesus. I think her death anniversary brings up way more emotions than her birthday...I think it's because on her birthday we were just so excited that she was finally here and we had no idea of the road we were going to have to walk...for the 13 days that would follow her birth....for the next weeks, months and now...years. Thank goodness we don't know what the future holds 'cause I don't think I would have been able to do it if I knew what was coming. So...yes...her birthday is more of an exciting and happy memory...but these 13 days in between are more memories of what we were doing those days, what Emmalee was going through...like...on the 14th was the day of her first surgery...then the 17th was her big heart surgery...then two days ago it was the day of the "oh she's doing really good" to the "oh...I don't think she's going to make it...we should give her a few more days but I don't think it's going to be good". Jon and I were talking last night in bed...he was wondering how we even slept the night before she went to Heaven...and how did we even walk into the hospital knowing what we were going to have to do...what decision we were going to have to make. He said that he was ready on the Monday night just to let her go...but I was not. I thought...what if...just what if this could be fixed....and the doctors said...let's give her a few more days and see...they said that there would probably not be a change but you never know...and they also advised us that if one of us was not ready to let go then they wouldn't do anything because if one is not ready then they will always wonder "what if"...so true...by that Wednesday I knew that she was not going to get better....they let us be in on the ECHO of her heart and I could see the clots...and I knew...there was not a decision to be made...it was being made for us. Also, what makes it so hard is that not only did I lose a baby but I had to watch her go through all that she did. By the time it was all said and done, not only did Em have a heart defect and an esophagus issue but she had major brain damage. Ugh...what a crushing blow to hear that. Her brain was perfectly fine but because of these clots in her heart she developed brain damage. And even though I am really sad right now I won't stay this way because I am so glad that she doesn't have to deal with any of that anymore...she is perfectly healed in Heaven...no more heart defect...no more brain damage...perfect little body for a perfect little angel. And like I posted to Facebook...I'm missing Em today...but she is not missing me :) Thanks for letting me share my thoughts and my heart with you today. And thanks for the extra prayers you're sending our way. Make sure you hug your kids tight and tell them that you love them...I'm tempted to wake Emmalee's sister up right now to do just that...but I am smarter than that and I'll do it later :)

Did you find one of our balloons?

Well if you did would you please leave a comment here and let us know where you found it! We'd love to hear...and we thank you in advance for coming on our blog to do so! Have a great day!

A Celebration Recap

We had a great day celebrating what would have been Emmalee's 2nd birthday last Saturday. We couldn't have asked for a better day...well....a little more wind to fly our kites would have been nice but we still had fun. Leading up to the day I had been feeling way way under the weather...sore throat, runny nose, all the icky stuff...so the day of her birthday was still a little trying for me as I still wasn't feeling the greatest. But I didn't want to cancel so the party went on! I figured I didn't have a fever so I couldn't stay in bed! And I'm glad I didn't...it is so much fun celebrating our girl and having our family around to help us celebrate. We did the same thing as last year...we met out at Valley Grove (the cemetery) and we flew our kites for a while (until the wind totally died!) and then we took time to write messages to Emma...the kids take such a long time making sure their pictures are perfect before attaching them to their balloons...and then we had our balloon release. This year the balloons went straight up...and they kept going and going and going...it will be real fun if we get a few responses to see where they ended up! After that we headed back to our house and had tacos and cupcakes...yum! And of course we had a bonfire :) After everyone left I crashed...held Natee and just cherished her for the gift from God that she is...and then I went to bed :) All in all it was a great day! Can't wait to celebrate again next year!

Natee with her Aunt B...so glad that I have this little girl in my life...she definitely made the day a lot easier!

All the cousins together...still makes me sad that we have to get pictures like this to get them all together. From L to R: Julia, Greta, Logan Jack, Natalee, Luke, Carter, Lily, Ella, and Levi

Celebrating Emmalee

My Dear Emmalee

Today, baby girl, you would have been two! Two...can you believe it! You would have been such a big girl! Two years ago today I was up even earlier than I am today preparing for you...me and your daddy were so excited to meet you...we headed down to Mayo early to check in....your daddy was so surprised that I wasn't more nervous about experiencing labor...I wasn't nervous 'cause I knew I had to do it so that I could meet you! They started the drugs to induce labor, a few hours later they broke my water, and then at 3:16 p.m. you made your appearance in this world! Luckily the nurse told me to open my eyes when you came out otherwise I would have missed seeing you for the first time...they took you away so fast to try to help you and your precious little heart. As we know, that little heart of yours was kind of a tricky one. Your doctors tried so hard...they really did...I hope I never have to see that look of defeat on someones face ever again. In 13 days we'll also be celebrating the day that you went to be with Jesus...that's an exciting thing to celebrate...while we wish that you were still here with us, we can't think of a better place for you to be. Emma, if you were still here with us, we would probably be starting to prepare for your last surgery...to be honest...I don't know if your mama could take it. I've heard too many stories about little heart babies that have had such a rough time...yes the do get to stay here with their moms and dads but they have to go through so much, and baby, I think that would be so hard to watch...all the time knowing that I couldn't switch places with you. That would make me so sad. But what I wouldn't do just to have 1 more hour to hold you and cuddle you and tell you how much I love you! But...just as John 3:16 says (and I love the fact that you were born at 3:16!): "For God so love the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believe in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." We know that you have everlasting life Emmalee...you are not dead...you are alive! And you are healed! And we will see you again...and we will hold you again...and we will tell you that we love you again! And until that day we will continue to celebrate you and the life that you had...because Emmalee...you made a difference in this world and your story has touched so many people. So baby girl...Happy Birthday! I hope that Heaven has birthday parties...and lots of cake! Have a piece for your mom and dad and sister too! And remind your brothers that you only get 2 birthday spankings and not any more :) We love you Emmalee and will continue to miss you until we are together again!

Love

Mommy

P.S. Daddy prayed last night (as he does most nights) that God would give you and your brothers a big hug and kiss from us...I hope you liked them :)

Happy Birthday Owen and Cooper!

To my beautiful boys:

Happy 1st Birthday! Wow! It doesn't seem like one year has gone by since I said hello and goodbye to you. One year...really...it can't be! February 8th was not suppose to be your birthday...well...acutally...maybe it was. Who knows why God chose for that to be your special day...only He does...and I'm praying someday I will know why too. But until then I am comforted knowing that you are in His arms and He is taking care of you until your daddy and I get up there. And I'm sure your big sister is keeping tabs on you as well :) I wonder what you are doing for your birthday...probably having a big cake and some ice cream...if you were here we'd be having that for you...and maybe even a snowball fight as it has been snowing all day here...such a pretty sight. But instead we are just remembering you today and thanking God for your lives and how they've touched ours and many other people...you truly are two special little boys! We miss you so...we miss watching you grow and hitting your milestones...we miss your little noises that we never really got to hear...we miss your little bodies, which were just perfect even at such a young age...we miss just the very thought of you in our lives...we miss you. And now you have a new little sister who has come into our lives and she is bringing us such great joy. She will never replace you but will just add to the beauty that our family already is. I sometimes struggle with that. I don't want people to think that we were trying to replace you...and I know they don't really think that. I also feel guilty because I am so happy that she is in our family...and if you were here with us...she probably wouldn't have been. But God knew that Natalee was suppose to be our little girl and she was suppose to be your sister. And as Pastor Don said in his sermon the other day...God has taken us, your mom and dad, down a path that has led us to Natalee being in our family and He has great plans for us and her life. And we give Him all the Glory...because as you know boys...God is good, all the time! Well we love you so much and can't wait to be reunited with you someday! Until then be good (I don't really think you can be bad in Heaven) and give your big sis a kiss (ewe! I know!) from me. And watch over your little sister her on Earth...she's not as blessed as you are...she's going to have to face a scrapped up knee, having her heart broken, being sick, and countless other things that we have to deal with here on earth. Although we would wish you back in a heartbeat we know that you two are in a much better place and we sleep peacefully at night knowing this is the truth!

With all my love Owen and Cooper~

Mommy

Owen Timothy

Owen, I will never forget the moment they laid you on my chest. I couldn't believe that you were actually here with us. You were a little turkey...by the time I got to the hospital you already had your legs into the birth canal...I guess you couldn't wait to meet us either! You were so perfect and so tiny. I watched your chest rise and fall until they told me that you were gone. I cherished those 19 minutes with you and can't wait for another 19 more!

Cooper James

Cooper, I did ask God to let us keep you and ask that you would stay in but God must have known that your brother would need you in Heaven with him as you came into this world the moment your brother left us. When the nurse placed you on my chest you just made these little squeaks. I think you were a true fighter and you were going to fight for as much time here with us as possible. We treasured the 19 minutes that you were alive with us and we treasured the rest of that day that we got to just hold you and your brother and get to know you two. You also were so perfect and so tiny. You and Owen each had your own unique looks to you yet you could tell that you were twins. Sometimes looking at pictures of you two (when you're not together) I have a hard time telling you apart. Until we meet again son...I love you!

Two tiny beautiful boys who are loved so much and missed even more!