Friday, April 23, 2010

Missing Emmalee...

Yep...today...and actually for the last couple of days...I've really been missing Emmalee. I've held Natalee especially close and just let myself wonder what it would have been like to really hold Emmalee. Sure...I did get to hold her close after she was gone...which would have been exactly 2 years ago this day and this time...but it wasn't the same...her life wasn't there to really hold...she was already being held by Jesus. I think her death anniversary brings up way more emotions than her birthday...I think it's because on her birthday we were just so excited that she was finally here and we had no idea of the road we were going to have to walk...for the 13 days that would follow her birth....for the next weeks, months and now...years. Thank goodness we don't know what the future holds 'cause I don't think I would have been able to do it if I knew what was coming. So...yes...her birthday is more of an exciting and happy memory...but these 13 days in between are more memories of what we were doing those days, what Emmalee was going through...like...on the 14th was the day of her first surgery...then the 17th was her big heart surgery...then two days ago it was the day of the "oh she's doing really good" to the "oh...I don't think she's going to make it...we should give her a few more days but I don't think it's going to be good". Jon and I were talking last night in bed...he was wondering how we even slept the night before she went to Heaven...and how did we even walk into the hospital knowing what we were going to have to do...what decision we were going to have to make. He said that he was ready on the Monday night just to let her go...but I was not. I thought...what if...just what if this could be fixed....and the doctors said...let's give her a few more days and see...they said that there would probably not be a change but you never know...and they also advised us that if one of us was not ready to let go then they wouldn't do anything because if one is not ready then they will always wonder "what if"...so true...by that Wednesday I knew that she was not going to get better....they let us be in on the ECHO of her heart and I could see the clots...and I knew...there was not a decision to be made...it was being made for us. Also, what makes it so hard is that not only did I lose a baby but I had to watch her go through all that she did. By the time it was all said and done, not only did Em have a heart defect and an esophagus issue but she had major brain damage. Ugh...what a crushing blow to hear that. Her brain was perfectly fine but because of these clots in her heart she developed brain damage. And even though I am really sad right now I won't stay this way because I am so glad that she doesn't have to deal with any of that anymore...she is perfectly healed in Heaven...no more heart defect...no more brain damage...perfect little body for a perfect little angel. And like I posted to Facebook...I'm missing Em today...but she is not missing me :) Thanks for letting me share my thoughts and my heart with you today. And thanks for the extra prayers you're sending our way. Make sure you hug your kids tight and tell them that you love them...I'm tempted to wake Emmalee's sister up right now to do just that...but I am smarter than that and I'll do it later :)

5 comments:

Michelle M. said...

My prayers for you today. Thank you for giving me encouragement to give my kiddos some more hugs and kisses- I can't get enough!

Anna said...

Hugs to you and Jon and Natalee today.

Love,
Anna

Brittney said...

Emmalee is such a special little girl... I'm sorry these last few days have been hard on you. Saying a prayer that God will bring more happy memories than hard ones... I'm sure Natalee will miss her big sister but you will keep her memory alive so well that she will feel a connection with Emmalee too. Love you guys! Hugs, Aunt B... Emmalee I am so proud you made me an auntie for the first time! You are a special little girl and we miss you tons!!

Candie said...

Our thoughts and prayers have been on you today. Curtis sends hugs your way.

karla said...

I'm so sorry, our prayers are with you. I agree that looking back on all your little one went through was not pleasant. I'm so sorry. May God touch you and bless you mightily today.

hugs, karla