I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since that awful day....the day we really didn't want to come but knew it would have to. The day that Emmalee was happy and we were sad. The day she got her complete healing and we began to start ours. It was another day for most people and today is another day and yet as I sit here I can't help but be sad as I think back on all the details of the last few weeks. We had such good times with her. We watched the video that we taped of her during her life last night...boy did that bring on the tears. Some were happy and some were very sad. Someone was taping the last minutes of everyone saying good-bye to Emma...that was hard. But no one taped her last seconds on earth...at first I was kinda disappointed that we didn't have those last seconds and then I came to the conclusion that it's probably best left just in the memories of those that were there...we don't need to see that over and over...I'll just remember it...it was the perfect way for her to leave us...one last squeeze of Jon's and my hands and just slowly sinking out of this life. Like I had said before...leaving her daddy's arms and into the arms of Jesus. I like that picture. You know I think times like these people begin to talk about death a lot more and wonder what it's all about...do we look the same...do we age in heaven...can we watch what's going on down on earth? I've decided that Emmalee is still a baby and will stay that way until I get up there and can watch her grow. I don't know if that's true or not but that's what I'm going to choose to believe and I think that's okay because really none of us really know and who's to say I'm right or wrong. I think this issue is one of those that everyone can debate about but no one is really right or wrong and it's an issue that won't change your salvation whether you believe one way or the other. Anyways...I'll get off that issue. I told Jon that another thing that I realized is that I'm going to be one of those people...you know...when something like this happens again...when a parent looses a child I will be able to say..."I know how you feel"...and I really don't want to be one of those people! I don't want to know how they feel! But I do and I just pray God will be able to use me to bring comfort to someone else when they need it. So many have shared their stories with us and brought us comfort...I just hope I can do the same . Well I think I'll close for now. Thanks for letting me share my heart with all of you. I know this road is going to be hard but it's amazes me that I am finding an inner strength to help me get through this...that strength can only come from God, who I remind myself, is good all the time. He doesn't bring you through situations for no purpose and through times that you won't be able to handle. So I will continue to walk this road and be excited for what God has for Jon and I to come. But don't worry...I will continue to cry and grieve at the same time...it's all part of the process.
P.S. Jon went back to work today. He was going to go back on Monday but he wasn't feeling good and so he took a couple more days off. Thank goodness...I don't think I was ready for him to be gone yet. We've been together everyday for almost 4 weeks now! And if Jon wasn't there someone was always with me. It feels kind of weird being by myself...I'm not sure I like it...it seems like the tears are more ready to flow now that no one is around. But give me a few days of this and I'll be okay...it's just the start of getting back to "normal".
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I would love to hear from all of you and realize that some of you may not want to leave a comment on the blog. So here is my e-mail address for all of you! My address is:
aligator312@yahoo.com
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15 comments:
I first saw your blog when your family was placed on our prayer list at church and I have been praying for you and reading your blog since. Even though I don't know you personally, you are a sister in the Lord and when one member of the body hurts, we all hurt. You baby girl is so beautiful. I lost my baby neice a few years ago...one huge thing to this day that blesses me, is that Katy will never have the opportunity to NOT choose Christ. She is 100% in heaven. No questions at all. She will never endure the pain of this world. She will never experience rejection. She will never know sorrow and even loss. She will only know what she is experiencing now being in the very presence of our God!
Thank-you so much that in the midst of your pain, you are sharing your heart in your blog. You may never know how Christ has been using your testimony for others to know him.
Hang in their Ali. I'm praying for you and Jon. Each night I lift you up in prayer before I go to bed. I realize that everything seems harder when you're left alone to grieve, but even though Jon is at work, remember, God is right by your side throughout the day and everyone's thoughts are still with you too. Keep looking up!!
Jennifer
In you basket of cards I gave you a picture that has brought comfort to me for several years...It is a pencil sketch of Jesus holding a tiny baby. I see this is how Jesus is holding Emmalee...cradling her in his big arms, rocking her when she crys, gently kissing her head and saying "it's okay, Jesus is here"! And on the other side of that card was a picture of Jesus, playfully tossing the baby in the air, the baby is smiling a mile wide, the big eyes taking all of Jesus in...what a joyful picture. I take comfort in these two pictures because I also feel that my 6 babies I lost to miscarriage will be babies in Heaven. Call it right or wrong...that's what I believe. I feel that my 6 have met Emmalee and have been shown around Heaven with Jesus holding their hand. I see these two pictures as what Jesus also does with me here on earth...He holds me, He cradles me, He rocks me when I cry and he kisses my head and says "Jesus is right here". Yet He is happy when I'm happy, He is gently with me when I'm sad, He looks at my eyes when I talk and He honestly is the only One that truly feels all of my pain! I can't imagine going through what we've gone through without Jesus!! Take comfort in knowing that Jesus understands each of your steps of grief, give yourself lots of time (it will take more than two days)...He is there...All the time! There will be days that you just "miss my baby"...there will be days that you will look up and say "did you see that Emma?"
From two people that love and care
for you!
P.S. I have sent our babies white balloons on special occasions.I've gone to a cemetary and let white helium filled balloons drift up into the air...find a way to remember her...that sometimes helps!
I know you have heard it a million times, but you are in our prayers. I would like to come and see you when you are up for visitors. Chad and i have the summer "off" and I would love to see you in Minnesota.
I'm glad I got to talk with you on Monday. Remember you don't have to be strong all the time, let the tears fall. You and Jon are being covered in prayer so much by so many people. How awesome is that!?! We don't know the full extent of your grief, but we grieve with you. Kevin and I really want to see you when we come out next month, even if it's just a quick hug, okay. We cry for you and just want to love on you. Kathleen said it right that when one member of the body of Christ hurts, we all hurt.
Candie
Ali - I'm sending you an e-mail - to read whenever you feel like it.
-mary g
What a beautiful post- thank you for being open and sharing your feelings with everyone. It's very inspiring to hear you praise God through the hard times. You are in my thoughts.
Hi Ali and Jon,
I wonder about you two every day, several times a day. Probably because I can't imagine what you are feeling, how those classic stages of grief could possibly apply to this circumstance. I suppose you have to focus on the present, live from minute to minute, and count the blessings that you have. I suppose even that sounds impossible.
Your family photo is on our refrigerator and it is good to see you so truly happy in that photo. It is a beautiful photo. A treasure to keep.
I didn't get to go to the burial but wonder if we could walk there together from your house. I like the idea that someone suggested of finding a ritual. A long meditative walk to the cemetery might be just the thing.
Even in the midst of this profound grief, maybe you can find some solace as spring unfolds around you. Your heart is raw and wide open. I pray that it is open to the beauty and hope in the world and that it will be gradually healed. You will have a new "normal" I suppose. Give yourself time to figure out what that is.
Love,
Carrie
Ali, thank you for posting, it helps us know how to pray. You know each person grieves in a different way....please just be very careful to watch the depression level. The baby blues are a real part of postpartum and with the loss of a precious baby, postpartum depression can sneak in on you very subtly. Just be careful....
I'm praying that your weekend will have lots of sunshine and that you will hold warm memories in your heart for Mother's Day. May God bless you especially much during this lonely time. There are many of us, strangers and friends alike that are truly holding you and Jon up in prayer......The Lord desires to bless you and give you a hope and a joy. We're not forgetting Emmalee, she left a huge mark on our life and family .... but we are praying for many children to have here on earth to hug and snuggle and not replace, no one can ever do that, but to sprinkle some joy and wet kisses on your precious face...
blessings, karla and family
Ali and Jon,
Thank you once again for sharing your thoughts. I love what Kathleen said in her comment:Katy and Emmalee will never have the opportunity to NOT choose Christ. They are free! We look forward to seeing you at Ben and Jessica's wedding. Until then we hold you up in our prayers.
Judy and Steve Gelderman
Ali,
I was sensing that some of your roughest days would be after the funeral. Remember we are still holding you up in prayer. Your pictures are on our frig. You are never alone. I know Sunday will be a difficult day for you. Even though Emma is not with you in the flesh, I know she will always live in your heart and that is what being a mom is all about. So I wanted to wish you a Happy Mother's Day. As I watched you be a Godly mother to Emma, it reminded me of what a real mother is. Thank you for sharing your "faith walk" as one of the Godliest mothers I have ever known.
My prayer is that Sunday will be a day of wonderful memories of your daughter, knowing that you gave her a wonderful gift....a Godly mom.
love and prayers
Cheryl Sharp
God Bless you and Happy Mother's Day!
love and hugs,
karla
Hi Ali,
Not sure if you remember me, but you were my RA in Shatford a few years back. I came across your blog yesterday and was heart broken, yet blessed by your story and testimony. I was struck by the fact that God had put you on my mind in the past few months, though I had no idea why until I read all that you have been through in these days. It is amazing that almost 7 years later He would call me out to stand by you in prayer and I am thankful that He brought me to your blog so I could see the reason that I have been praying for you. I will continue to be in prayer for you and your family as you continue to heal.
With lots of love and prayer,
Kristen (Benedict) Rozsa
"He doesn't bring you through situations for no purpose and through times that you won't be able to handle. So I will continue to walk this road and be excited for what God has for Jon and I to come."
You dont know me but you have no idea of how these above words affected my life and others i have shared it with.
thank you for being a vessel of Christ even in the midst of your unsurmountable pain....
Good will come of this and is...
dg
Orange County Ca.
Ali & Jon,
Just to let you know that I still think of you every day, in one way or another. I still pray for you all and wish you peace at such a difficult time. Hugs to you,
Christine
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