A Little Scare

Hi everyone! It's Wednesday so that means it's time for an update from the Feldman's. We are doing good. This week has been a little easier...that's what time is for I guess. Although I do have to tell you that yesterday and today I had a little bit of a scare. When I was driving home last night I was rubbing the front of my chin and throat and felt a hard bump/lump under my chin towards my throat. So immediately my thoughts ran wild...have I ever felt this before...is this a part of my throat...could this really be? I think I'm a little hyper sensitive because as some of you may know my grandpa had tongue cancer and died from it and my cousin also had tongue cancer....thankfully they were able to catch hers in time and she's doing good. But I have always checked myself thoroughly because I saw what they both went through and I don't want to go through it...even though they say it's not genetic...just a fluke that two people in my family got it. So anyway...after not sleeping great I called the clinic in town to see if the ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat) doctor would have an appointment today. Well he's only in on Wednesdays and he just happen to have an opening at 1:15. So in I went. He checked me over and felt the lump. He suspects that it's a hard lymph node and that it could be caused by drainage from all the acne I have gotten from being pregnant (one of the pleasant side effects of hormones! ha!) so he put me on some acne medicine and I have to take that for a month and see if the lump disappears. He didn't seem concerned about it and said that it wasn't acting like a cyst because it didn't move around when I swallowed. So for now I'm feeling good about it...it did scare me though. I asked him if he was worried about it...he said no...but just keep an eye on it. So I'll try the medicine. I think I was a little tense because when I went to go get my meds at the drug store one of the ladies that works there asked how my baby was...and I felt like I almost lost it. The tears started coming and I was trying to push them away as I told her that she passed away. She felt so bad and I felt bad that I couldn't stop crying...I know that makes people feel even worse...but the two that were working there assured me that it was okay that I was crying...they were getting tears as well...the one gentleman then talked a little with me....wanting to know what happened...I got through that okay. So...I think I've just been a little emotional today:) All this made me start thinking about what our pastor said at Emmalee's funeral. He said something to this effect: I'm sure you were looking forward to introducing Emmalee to Jesus someday. To tell her all about him and help her grow up to love and serve Him. But now Emmalee will get to introduce you to Jesus! How cool is it that my little girl is with Jesus right now! She is in His presence at all times and she is so well loved up there. He loves her more that I can even imagine...He love us all more than I can even imagine. So as I had this little scare today I just tried to give it all to Him, knowing that He is in control of everything in my life and He has the best plans. Of course I was hoping that His plan for me was to not have to go and have something be wrong with me but if it was or is He will take care of me. And I'm still hoping that His plan for Jon and I is that we will be able to have many more children to love and hug and be able to introduce them to Jesus and tell them all about their older sister Emmalee. So for now I'm not going to worry about my little bump and I am just going to keep praying that this medicine takes care of it (and hey...at least it will help get rid of all this acne!)....so if you want to you can also pray that my little bump is nothing as well....thanks!

Someone asked about seeing Emmalee's headstone...we don't have it done yet...it's still a work in progress...but we do have a butterfly marker (my mom and dad made it for her and put all her information on it) and some flowers out on her grave so here are a couple of pictures of that. Also, we are working on getting copies of Emmalee's service made for those of you who wanted it...if anyone else is interested let me know.

It's Hard!

Hi Friends! Those are my 2 words for now. It's hard...it's real hard. The hurt is still there...it's real and sometimes I wish it would just go away. Being back to work has been good. It keeps my mind off of losing Emmalee, for the most part. Of course every client has to ask about her but that's okay...I really do like talking about her. And I do really well talking about her...I don't tend to get emotional (which I think surprised people...I hope none of you think I'm emotionless...I just tend to get more emotional when I'm by myself or when it's just Jon and I)...and I actually enjoy telling people how great she was. She was so cute...so precious...such a little fighter. She wasn't a fussy baby...very calm and content...and she had a lot to complain about! Oh how I love her! And it's so hard not being able to hold her...not being able to see her...to kiss that sweet face. As I sit here with tears in my eyes I just would love to take her in my arms and never let her go. Jon has had some rough days...it's just busy at work (which is such a blessing especially in this economy) and I think he feels a little overwhelmed sometimes (and he's still hurting from losing Emmalee)...and then he gets crabby (sorry Jon...spilling all your secrets)...I was just feeling tonight that it just isn't fair. The one thing that could cheer Jon up is not here. God took her from us! And that's not fair of me to say that either. We know God is good...he has plans for us and yet I still don't understand sometimes. Ahhh...but God is faithful and His ways are good. I need to tell myself that when I am in the midst of this darkness....it's not a good place to be...it's where the devil lives and he loves to see us doubting God. The Bible tells us that the devil is the father of lies...he has the power to put these icky thoughts into my head and I need to be wise and tell him that he has no place here. Now this is not to say that Jon and I can't be sad...'cause God knows that we will be sad...and we'll probably be sad for a very long time. I believe there will always be a little hole in my heart that will never be filled again...I will always miss Emmalee...my beautiful baby. I asked my sister-in-law how you can even love the children that come after the first ones...she told me that it does seem impossible but it does happen...which is good to know...and I think deep down I already knew that to be true. That little Emmalee, though, she captured our hearts...little stinker. We just thank God that we were able to have Emma for 13 days...to get to know her and love on her. He is good...all the time...even in the midst of our hurt. There have been so many songs that have had such meaning to us lately...we were going up to church and another song came on the radio and I looked at Jon and said, "Well doesn't that song have a whole new meaning to us now." And then I was on Steven Curtis Chapman's website later and the guy who's writing a blog for him said this: I’ve heard from many of you that you shared Steven’s songs that morning and found that an odd thing happened. That Steven’s songs were ministering to you and your audience... In the midst of Steven’s loss. How can you explain that? As my friend Frank Reed said... “only God.” It is the very thing that makes our format so incredible... Because when songs are crafted from and based in God’s word and His truth, they can do miraculous things. It's so true...God uses those songs to minister to us all at different times in our live. I'm just grateful that there are those individuals who are obedient to God to write down the words that He has given to them. It amazes me the different talents that God gives each one of us. I might in the coming weeks post some lyrics that have had an impact on us throughout this whole ordeal...don't hold me too it but I think I will...so you all can be blessed as well. Well I will quite babbling now...thank you for letting me share my heart with you. I'm so glad I can just be me with all of you....you'll love me in my sad times and love me in my happy times...thank you!

Here's a few pictures for you:

Here is Emmalee's tree from my mom's side of the family. We planted it at the farm so that everyone could enjoy it! (sorry...I couldn't figure out how to rotate this picture...I guess it's getting too late tonight!)

Here's Jon's pretty truck! Knecht's (here in Northfield) gave us a memorial tree for Emmalee...it's the pink one in the truck...so pretty! And then we got a little tree for right outside Maralee's door in her little garden. I told my mom when she thinks she has finally settled into a house she's going to be in for a while I'll get her a tree too!

Jon and Matt planting Maralee's tree...isn't it cute (the tree I mean!).

Some had suggested I do a memorial garden for Emmalee. Well...I'm not really a gardener so when I saw this wagon I had this idea to plant some flowers in it...I think it turned out pretty cute! So each year I'm going to plant Emmalee's garden in the wagon. I should also note...I said I am not a gardener...which is true...but I did actually enjoy putting this garden together...who knew! I might have found a new hobby!

A little dragonfly I found at Menards...I just wrote "Emmalee's Garden" on his wings...he was just too cute to leave at the store

And here's our memorial tree from Knecht's...we were selfish and planted it at our house for us to enjoy!

Emmalee Ann Pearl Feldman

Hi all! I just realized that I never really explained the meaning behind Emmalee’s name and the spelling of it...I had actually started writing this post yesterday before work and then at work I think all but one of my clients asked me about her name and how we came up with the spelling (and all the names!) so I figured I'd better post this one. As I had stated in an earlier post we liked the name Emma but I like names that have a formal name and then a nickname to go with it…I think that’s because I’m Alison but I like Ali…and Jon is Jonathan. Anyway…so we came up with Emmalee…for those of you who don’t know, Jon’s mom’s name is Maralee…so we wanted to use the lee for the end of Emma’s name. Jon wasn’t too crazy about Emmalee but as we’ve come to know, he prefers Emmalee over Emma. Funny how life works! And then my mom’s name is Ann and I have a Great Aunt Pearl. So we were able to get three very important women in our lives into Emma’s name. I also have two grandma’s that are very important to me but we thought that Emmalee Ann Pearl Mary Clare would be an overkill…what do you think?!? And then we’d have to get Jon’s grandmas in there too…so we’ll save those names for later! Well I guess that’s all I really had to write today. So sorry I have been MIA for 2 weeks….our Internet was down all of last week…you don’t realize how much you use it until you don’t have it! So I figured I’d just wait ‘til this Wednesday to post again…I’ll probably start posting once a week on Wednesday’s for those of you who are still keeping up with us (thank you!). And it’s probably a good thing that the Internet was down last week because it was so cloudy, gloomy, rainy, etc. last week that I was kind of emotional and so this post might have been totally different…a little more sad than happy. I didn’t realize that weather could have such an effect on me…and I’m sure I still have a few hormones working against me. But thank you to all who have kept us in your thoughts and prayers. Some days I feel like we can use them more now than ever. We are getting far enough away from the situation to be starting to get back to normal life, and yet it is still so fresh to us. Thank you again for being there for us. Love to all!



Oh yeah...I think Sam is still working on trying to get some of the funeral clips on here...it's taking him a little longer than he thought...I need to check with him again to see where he's at with that...and I know he's working on editing her service and putting a DVD together for us. I don't know if any of you would want a copy of it (I know a few of you have expressed wanting a copy of it) but I know Sam can make copies for whoever would like one...just let us know...you can e-mail me. And I still have to get pictures of her trees on here for you to see...thanks for being patient with us!