Wednesday, June 18, 2008

It's Hard!

Hi Friends! Those are my 2 words for now. It's hard...it's real hard. The hurt is still there...it's real and sometimes I wish it would just go away. Being back to work has been good. It keeps my mind off of losing Emmalee, for the most part. Of course every client has to ask about her but that's okay...I really do like talking about her. And I do really well talking about her...I don't tend to get emotional (which I think surprised people...I hope none of you think I'm emotionless...I just tend to get more emotional when I'm by myself or when it's just Jon and I)...and I actually enjoy telling people how great she was. She was so cute...so precious...such a little fighter. She wasn't a fussy baby...very calm and content...and she had a lot to complain about! Oh how I love her! And it's so hard not being able to hold her...not being able to see her...to kiss that sweet face. As I sit here with tears in my eyes I just would love to take her in my arms and never let her go. Jon has had some rough days...it's just busy at work (which is such a blessing especially in this economy) and I think he feels a little overwhelmed sometimes (and he's still hurting from losing Emmalee)...and then he gets crabby (sorry Jon...spilling all your secrets)...I was just feeling tonight that it just isn't fair. The one thing that could cheer Jon up is not here. God took her from us! And that's not fair of me to say that either. We know God is good...he has plans for us and yet I still don't understand sometimes. Ahhh...but God is faithful and His ways are good. I need to tell myself that when I am in the midst of this darkness....it's not a good place to be...it's where the devil lives and he loves to see us doubting God. The Bible tells us that the devil is the father of lies...he has the power to put these icky thoughts into my head and I need to be wise and tell him that he has no place here. Now this is not to say that Jon and I can't be sad...'cause God knows that we will be sad...and we'll probably be sad for a very long time. I believe there will always be a little hole in my heart that will never be filled again...I will always miss Emmalee...my beautiful baby. I asked my sister-in-law how you can even love the children that come after the first ones...she told me that it does seem impossible but it does happen...which is good to know...and I think deep down I already knew that to be true. That little Emmalee, though, she captured our hearts...little stinker. We just thank God that we were able to have Emma for 13 days...to get to know her and love on her. He is good...all the time...even in the midst of our hurt. There have been so many songs that have had such meaning to us lately...we were going up to church and another song came on the radio and I looked at Jon and said, "Well doesn't that song have a whole new meaning to us now." And then I was on Steven Curtis Chapman's website later and the guy who's writing a blog for him said this: I’ve heard from many of you that you shared Steven’s songs that morning and found that an odd thing happened. That Steven’s songs were ministering to you and your audience... In the midst of Steven’s loss. How can you explain that? As my friend Frank Reed said... “only God.” It is the very thing that makes our format so incredible... Because when songs are crafted from and based in God’s word and His truth, they can do miraculous things. It's so true...God uses those songs to minister to us all at different times in our live. I'm just grateful that there are those individuals who are obedient to God to write down the words that He has given to them. It amazes me the different talents that God gives each one of us. I might in the coming weeks post some lyrics that have had an impact on us throughout this whole ordeal...don't hold me too it but I think I will...so you all can be blessed as well. Well I will quite babbling now...thank you for letting me share my heart with you. I'm so glad I can just be me with all of you....you'll love me in my sad times and love me in my happy times...thank you!


Here's a few pictures for you:



Here is Emmalee's tree from my mom's side of the family. We planted it at the farm so that everyone could enjoy it! (sorry...I couldn't figure out how to rotate this picture...I guess it's getting too late tonight!)


Here's Jon's pretty truck! Knecht's (here in Northfield) gave us a memorial tree for Emmalee...it's the pink one in the truck...so pretty! And then we got a little tree for right outside Maralee's door in her little garden. I told my mom when she thinks she has finally settled into a house she's going to be in for a while I'll get her a tree too!


Jon and Matt planting Maralee's tree...isn't it cute (the tree I mean!).

Some had suggested I do a memorial garden for Emmalee. Well...I'm not really a gardener so when I saw this wagon I had this idea to plant some flowers in it...I think it turned out pretty cute! So each year I'm going to plant Emmalee's garden in the wagon. I should also note...I said I am not a gardener...which is true...but I did actually enjoy putting this garden together...who knew! I might have found a new hobby!
A little dragonfly I found at Menards...I just wrote "Emmalee's Garden" on his wings...he was just too cute to leave at the store
And here's our memorial tree from Knecht's...we were selfish and planted it at our house for us to enjoy!

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank God you had 13 days with her, you saw her cute cheeks, her great big fight she had in her, you saw her breathing, and sleeping and watching all that was going on. In her tiny mind she didn't know what was going on but by the video I saw at the funeral, she looked to you and Jon for her strength...then she went to sleep and looked to Jesus for strength! I lost 6 to miscarriage...I didn't get to hold them while they were alive but I saw them after they passed from my body which is also very hard. The other really hard thing is that we didn't have funerals for any, for our society still doesn't recognize miscarriage as a huge loss...that to lose babies to miscarriage, to grieve alone, to toss the baby away and to figure out a way to grieve...it's hard! One baby left us 6 years ago at 3 1/2 months along, three babies left us at 2 months along 5 years ago and 2 babies left us 4 years ago...there will always be 6 holes in our hearts...it does get a bit easier. My husband and I at that time felt we couldn't continue trying to have anymore because of the emotional pain, and it seemed obvious that it was not meant to be. The one line in a song that came to me each time I lost a baby was, an old, old song that I don't even like all the other words except for the one line...that is "take good care of my babies...". And I clung on to the hope that "As a little girl I always dreamed of my babies sitting on my lap and I would tell them about Jesus..." and now (a bit selfish on my part but comforting non the less) I think about my babies sitting on Jesus lap and Him telling them about me". We love you and continue to pray for God to help you through these days! Hey do you have pics of Emmalees gravestone? Would like to see that too...

Jonathan, Amanda & Luke said...

I know sometimes it seems like God doesn't know what He's doing. But He will continue to amaze you with all the ways He is using these tough times for good. Who knows what you will learn from this, one, ten, fifty years down the road. Emmalee should always have a place in your heart. She is, and always will be, your precious daughter. I love you and continue to pray for you guys.

Brittney said...

Love you guys - you amaze me with your strength every time we see you! I love the trees and garden you have to pay tribute to our little Emmalee!

Anonymous said...

Ali and Jon,
I love the garden and the trees. You have to know darlin' that it is right to grieve and that a loss like yours doesn't end - your precious little Emmalee will forever on this earth and when you are reunited one day in glory be a part of you. I am sorry you have to go through this deep hurt! God heals broken hearts!
love always, mary

Anonymous said...

We just got back to California and I had to see if you had updated. I really hope that seeing Lauren and watching Jon interact with her didn't bring on this dispare. That's the last thing we wanted for you guys. I'm really hurting for you, please know that. I love what anonymous said about miscarriages. It is so true. Going through a miscarriage as well has really made me appreciate Curtis and Lauren. When the time comes for you to have another baby, you will never take anything about that baby for granted and it will make you think about Emma even more. I wanted to thank you for sharing Emma's nursery with me. It was nice to see some of her things. We love you and continue to keep you in our prayers.

Candie