Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Washed by the Water

Hi all! Well I think it's getting easier again. I can't really explain it to you all but I'll try. I think the fact that I should have been celebrating my birthday with my four month old daughter (if you recall we both have birthday's on the 10th...hers April...mine August) really put me in a funk...it's not like I was depressed or anything...I was just sad...and kept reliving all of our 13 days we had with Emmalee. I thought about the day of her surgery...how we were waiting for the news that they were finally done and she was on her way up to her room...I remember sitting in the waiting room and all of a sudden I remembered that Survivor was on...I thought I could try to watch that and try to take my mind off of what was going on. Well...it did help a little until the two nurses came and got us and told us that the doctor needed to talk to us again. You know that feeling in your stomach...it hurts and it feels nervous...I almost have that right now just thinking about how I felt then. Argh...we had to take that long walk (well it felt long) down the stark white hallway...down to the meeting room right outside the surgical rooms. And then we waited...and Dr. Burkhart came in...I will never forget the tired and defeated look he had on his face. Remember...he had already talk to us once....the surgery had gone fine but she just needed a little help so they put her on the ECMO machine...now...they had a whole different problem...her body threw a clot...did it go to her brain....did it not...only time will tell. Yes...this past week I was reliving all these memories in my head...it doesn't seem like four months could already have passed...and yet sometimes it seems so much longer. My arms ache sometimes...I just want to hold my baby. My good friend Sarah (hi Sarah) had twin girls in July and so she lets me come over and help her out and hold them...and that is so much fun...and yet it doesn't feel the same...how could it? You just want to feel this bond that only a mother and child can feel. But...and I know some days this feels like a big but (no pun intended!)...my day will come. It might be awhile...depending on how this body of mine works...or you never know...maybe God has a different way in which He'll make us parents...but I do believe that someday we will become parents and that ache and hurt will soften a bit. And I press on because I look forward to that day and time in our lives! Also, I think these past 10 days have been hard because (and this is going to sound crazy to some of you...and that's okay...someday maybe you'll understand) I believe that the devil has been trying to get at me...I feel like he is trying to discourage me and make me doubt in myself and who and how big God really is. It's easy for us to get into these pity parties for ourselves and sometimes it's hard to get out (not that I'm saying it's not okay for me to grieve...). One big event in my life just happened on Sunday...I finally got baptized! I never had been and always wanted to (well actually to be honest I was always a little nervous to get dunked in front of everyone) but it never really worked out...then our church was holding a baptism service out at Crystal Lake and so my whole family decided to do it. My dad was the first, even though he's been baptized before, he said he didn't really remember it so he wanted to do it again. Jon and I decided that we'd do it...this year has been such a true test of my faith and I have to say that it's stronger now that ever before. I was watching the Steven Curtis interview with Larry King and his wife Mary Beth said something like this...I have been all the way to the bottom and the foundation is still strong (or something along those lines)...and I totally feel that way...I know what she's saying and what she means. All that I've ever believed in and said that I believe in is true...it's been proven to me over this past year. What's that song...the foolish man built his house on the sand but the wise man built his house on the rock...and when the rain came down and the flood came up and the foolish mans house went splat but the wise mans house stayed firm. I have built my foundation on the Rock and He remained solid! So...getting back to the baptism...Jon and I decided that it would be a good time to do it. Then my mom had been baptised as an infant so she wanted to do it again and then Sam decided he didn't want to be left out :) so he joined us as well! It was a beautiful day and a beautiful service! And I truly believe that the devil was trying to get at me this week because (and Jon too) because he knew we were going to do this on Sunday...there were a couple times where we said...I don't think we should do it...I'm just not feeling good enough...or this just doesn't seem right...I'm not ready...and that took a toll on me. But I just said no...I'm doing it...it's going to be great. And you know what...this week has already been easier than last. Well anyway...I'll get off my soapbox now :) and wish you all a good week. Oh...on a little side note...my co-worker, Chris, had his surgery...all went well with that...we went down to see him at Mayo (which also brought back memories) and when we were down there we got to see Connie, one of Emma's nurses...that was fun. Chris was recovering at home when he went numb on his left side. They took him back down there and I guess he had a small stroke but he is doing better now and he's even back at work (which I've told him is crazy but he doesn't listen to me!)...anyway...thank you all for your prayers for him...I know he greatly appreciated it! And on one more side note...have you all been enjoying the Olympics? I'm quite annoyed actually...here I think I don't like to watch them...and now I can't go to bed because I'm glued to what's happening! Maybe that's part of my emotional problem...I'm tired 'cause I'm up watching the Olympics!:) I have to go to bed now! Take care!

8 comments:

Candie said...

I have been crying and praying so hard for you this last week. The Lord really put it on my heart that you were being attacked, and it was true!! I love it when the Lord speaks to us in whispers. I really hope and pray that the Lord will bring you out of this valley soon. It's hard to be patient for His will sometimes, isn't it? We send you much love and prayers.

Jonathan, Amanda & Luke said...

Ali, I too have been praying extra hard for you recently. Just in the past few days I have heard that song numerous times by Casting Crowns that you played at Emmalee's funeral. Every time I hear it I automatically think of you guys and sweet little Emmalee. I'm so happy for you guys and your baptism--how neat to do it as a family! God is definitely strengthening you each and every day. I love you!

Angie said...

one of my best friends, Megan Eastland, lost her husband to cancer a few years ago..only 2 1/2 months after they were married. She totally knows the journey and process of grief. I know its not the same kind of grief, but you guys are the same age and i think you'd get a lot out of talking to her..she's so incredibly wise. Her blog is on the right side of my blog..you should send her a comment and get in touch w/her. I can get you her email if you want too. I love you guys, and so excited that you guys got baptized..thats awesome!

Anonymous said...

Ali,
You are so precious in His sight! I have appreciated you opening your heart, your life, sharing in your blog. What an encouragement you are to everyone who loves you and knows that this is such a difficult time. I believe that satan is trying to attack you, he does that in sly little ways, but God's ways are much superior and He will win. I've told you before that John has been gone for over 6 years and I'm not "over it" yet. And what you have been through is so much more difficult. Know you are LOVED in Indiana.
with love, as always, mary

Anonymous said...

I forgot to mention the baptism - WOW, how wonderful. What a special time for your whole family. Wish I could have been there!
-mary

Kathleen said...

Ali, again, you don't know me. I go to Candie's church in Orange County. I just feel led to continue letting you know that I pray for you. I started when your family was put on our prayer list at church, and I havn't stopped. God puts you on my heart a lot. He reminds me to pray for you. Funny thing is...I am not one of those women who are "prayer warriors", but God won't let you leave my mind! I have not walked your path...but I burden for you...like when Christ says bear each other's burdens...and that is what causes me to pray.
In Christ,
Kathleen

Brittney said...

Praying you have an easier week... it was great helping in the kitchen with you Sunday... turning away the masses when they wanted their ice cream - ha ha!

I imagine there are many hard days but I pray that the good memories overshadow the harder ones.

Jennie said...

huge hugs to you friend! love hearing about your baptism, that's a huge event & I don't doubt that the enemy was on you about it. thanks for continuing to share your heart with us - can't wait to see you soon!

love you!