It turned out perfect...again!

So the other night (Monday) I crawled into bed and said to Jon..."well...we've done something today that we never thought we'd have to do...again." We finally got the boys' headstone done and we placed it next to Emmalee's on Monday. It was bittersweet, but so nice to have it done. I had been feeling guilty that it wasn't out there yet...yes we had a the sweet marker that my mom and dad had made out there...but I needed their permanent stone to be out there. We had actually picked out the stone earlier in the summer but couldn't figure out what exactly we wanted on it...Emmalee's turned out so good and is so special to us and we wanted Owen and Cooper's to be the same way. I think it turned out perfect. Well...I'll let you be the judge:

After looking at my pictures I took I realize I don't have a real close up of the top so I'll tell you what it says....

On the top:

Loved for 19 minutes on earth by their mom and dad...forever in Eternity

In the middle:

Given and Returned

February 8, 2009

God is good...all the time

Bottom:

How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news. Romans 10:15b

Then under both of their names we put their little footprints! They are the exact size of their little feet. I still don't know how he did it (they took a copy of the footprints off their birth certificate...then they make a stencil or something and then blast the stone...so I guess I know a little about how they do it...I still don't know how they do it with something so tiny!) but it's awesome and I'm so glad that they are on there...Owen and Cooper's little feet were kind of their thing with us...ever since that ultrasound picture when both of their feet were together we fell in love with their tiny feet! And when they were born I couldn't believe how perfect those little feet were...and how Owen's feet looked EXACTLY like Jon's! On Emmalee's stone we put her picture but for some reason we really didn't want to put their picture on their stone...just didn't feel right...but then when I thought about trying to get their footprints on there it just felt right. I think their stone turned out perfect!

See the cute little bird bath we also got...it fits perfectly between the two stones...and I think it's so cool looking...there are always feathers in there so I think the birds like it too! (They had the birdbaths at the same place we got the stone bench and the guy knew what we were going to do with the bench and so he gave us the birdbath for free...wasn't that sweet of him!?!)

And here is the final shot...our nice little memorial to our kids...I think it looks so nice and has a nice flow to it. It will be nice to have a little bench out there to sit and reflect. I know I've said it before but it's just so peaceful out there...if we have to have plots somewhere I'm glad we are out there.

Well that's what's new for us...tying up loose ends...and it feels good. The last thing we had to do for the boys. And I've told God that we can leave the other two plots alone for now...those are for Jon and I and I think they can remain empty for awhile...will you help us in praying for that...that we don't have to fill them with any more of our kids...that we will be given children and that they can bury us someday (when we are old and gray) and not the other way around...thanks :) Well you take care and I'll keep you updated on anything new in our lives!

So...what do you think?

See how fancy I have become?!? Do you like the new look of the blog? I do...at least for now! Well I just thought I'd get on here and tweak it a bit today...I figure my kids deserve a cute blog! I think I'll keep tweaking in the weeks to come but for today...I'm done! Hope all is well for everyone! I'll leave you with a passage that has spoken to me through all of our trials...it's Psalm 20:

1. May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;

may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.

2. May he send you help from the sanctuary

and grant you support from Zion.

3. May he remember all your sacrifices

and accept your burnt offerings.

4. May he give you the desire of your heart

and make all your plans succeed.

5. We will shout for joy when you are victorious

and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.

May the Lord grant all your requests.

6. Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed;

he answers him from his holy heaven

with the saving power of his right hand.

7. Some trust in chariots and some in horses,

but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

8. They are brought to their knees and fall,

but we rise up and stand firm.

9. Oh Lord, save the king,

Answer us when we call.

Yes Lord, we trust in You! And we know that someday you will give us the desires of our heart. But we also thank you for letting us experience Emmalee, Owen and Cooper...they truly were amazing! Hope you all were as blessed by that passage as I have been...have a great week!

Two Little Sets of Feet

There should have been two little sets of feet in our house this fourth of July. There should have been two little sets of feet in a stroller as we pushed them to the parade. There should have been two little sets of feet, in two little car seats as we drove to my mom and dad's for dinner. And there should have been two little sets of feet in our arms as we watched the fireworks from on top of a hill out at Valley Grove. But there was not. The 4th proved to be kind of a hard day for us here at the Feldman house. I remember thinking last October when we found out that we were pregnant, and in fact having twins..."Yes!...I will finally have that stroller to push to the 4th of July parade!" Not kidding...I did seriously think that. Because while I do love parades...there is something about watching a kid at a parade that is way more fun...and I couldn't/can't wait to watch my own kids. And I know...the boys would not have been old enough to enjoy this 4th of July...but they would have still been here...and I would have still been enjoying them:) We decided not to go to the parade this year...not necessarily because the boys weren't here and I thought it would be hard, but basically because we decided to go to my mom and dad's house instead...and I think that was a good choice. I really don't think I would have enjoyed it much this year...who knows...maybe next year. :) We had a really good time at my parent's house...Uncle Doug and Aunt Suzi were there, Auntie Pearl was there, and Sam and Britt joined us as well. As always...too much food and too little room in my tummy...although it didn't stop me. My mom had recently gotten her scrapbook done that she had done for Emmalee...it was very sweet...she had put in her e-mails that she had written to people during Emmalee's time at the hospital...little updates...well that has served as a great recording of what happened...as I was sitting there reading them I had to stop...my stomach was just in knots and it was just sick...it took me right back to those days...and while they were with Emma, they were still very hard days. To watch your baby go through all that...to hear your doctor say that she is in very serious condition...to see your doctor look like he had just had a sharp blow to his stomach after realizing that she might not make it...it was a little too much to relive for the day. So I looked through the rest of the pictures and I'll have to save reading for another day. I know Jon felt the same way...and I think we were already having a hard enough day as it was...it just made us miss all our babies even more. We hung out at my parents until about 8 and then headed home. We decided to again watch the fireworks from Valley Grove...it is so neat up there....we actually saw about 8 different towns fireworks displays...obviously you could see Northfields the best but it was still cool to see the others...even if they were pretty small. And as I was walking out there...in the dark...I kept thinking to myself...I used to be scared of cemetery's and you for surely wouldn't have caught me in one at night. But there is something about the kids being out there (even though I do know that it is only their bodies and they are really in Heaven...I'm not crazy!) that makes it so much more peaceful. And then it was off to bed after that...one more holiday down with out the two little sets of feet.





But really...there should have been three little sets of feet...

(this is a picture I had my sister-in-law Britt do for Jon for Father's Day. It is God's hands holding all of them...Emmalee, Owen, and Cooper in Heaven and Jon here down on earth...I think she did a fabulous job...thanks Britt)

Due Date

The first question you usually ask your doctor when you find out you're pregnant is....when is my due date. When do I get to look forward to my little blessing being here. I remember finding out the the boys would be born right before Father's Day and thinking...cool...Jon will have kids by next Father's Day...I was so happy for him. Well, obviously we know what happened and it was not meant to be that Jon would be celebrating Sunday with two babies on his lap...it's been four months and 11 days since we held our little Owen and Cooper. Their due date kept looming in front of me...reminding me that I didn't have anything to look forward to. Some days though I am surprised at how fast this time has gone...God's grace again! My sister-in-law and I did go shopping today...in fact I just got back from our trip...it was a great way to take my mind off of today...sure we did go by the Carter's store...and yes I did go in to look and to buy a baby gift...and yes it's hard not to just buy something for "someday"...but I restrained and kept telling myself that they will still have cute stuff when I do get to buy it...someday:) On our way down I threw out the question of...I wonder if time would have gone this fast if I still would have been pregnant...or would it have dragged on because for one I would have been huge and two because you are just so looking forward to it that sometimes time seems to go so slow. Well I guess we'll never know but I do thank God that this time has gone relatively fast and that He is giving us the strength to walk through yet another valley in our lives....I am going to reach that mountain top one of these days:) In church on Sunday during our worship there were two songs that really touched me...one was Great is Thy Faithfulness and the other was You Alone...here are some of the lyrics:

You Alone

Verse 2

You have given me more

Than I could ever have wanted

And I want to give

You my heart

And my soul

Chorus

You alone are Father

And You alone are good

You alone are Savior

And You alone are God

Great Is Thy Faithfulness

Chorus

Great is Thy faithfulness.

Great is Thy faithfulness.

Morning by morning new mercies I see.

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided.

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

Verse 3

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,

Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide.

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside.

And as I sang those words I got tears in my eyes...God has given me so much more than I could ever have wanted...He never said that He would give me kids (although I still hope He does) but even if He doesn't I know that He has blessed me greatly and I am so thankful to Him. And He is faithful...He said He will never leave us nor forsake us...and I can tell you honestly...He has not left us...if He had...we wouldn't be doing as well as we are. We are sad...yes...but we are not destroyed by grief. Thank you Jesus...thank you for giving us the strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow! Anyway...well when I started this post I had just gotten done shopping...then Jon came home and we went out to eat at a fancy restaurant...that was fun. Now it's off to relax on the couch and just enjoy being together. Thank you for all the prayers you said for us...I say it every time but every time I mean it...they helped a lot and we really appreciate them! Oh...by the way...we picked out the stone for Owen and Coopers marker at the grave...I'm not going to tell you anything about it until it's done...but let me just say...it's cool! Can't wait for you to see it, but you'll probably still have to wait a few weeks! I know...I'm mean...yes...I am a teaser:) Well I'll at least leave you with a few pictures from out at the cemetery. Enjoy:)

Here's our little plot...Jon planted a little tree right next to where the boys' stone will go...and as you can see...there's another wagon full of flowers:)

This time though is a Radio Missile wagon:)



So pretty...and my mom and dad again made a temporary marker for the boys until we get theirs done...it turned out really cute:)

Knecht's Nursery and Strese Tree moving donated three trees and their moving/planting to us in memory of the kids...we put them out at Valley Grove in the new part that they are going to make a cemetery some day...we can't wait to watch them grow. This one is Emmalee's tree...it's a Burr Oak...it should get to be a pretty cool looking tree...these pictures were taken right after they were planted...I'll have to get out there now and get some pictures of the now that they would have leaves on them:)

Here's Owen's tree...Owen and Cooper's trees are both Sugar Maples...but different kinds...we thought it be cool to get two trees the same yet different...since they were twins (fraternal twins) and all:)

Cooper's tree:)

And look what I caught in Cooper's tree...a blue bird!

I don't know why but I thought this was a cool picture of Jon...he's caring all his hose...I don't know how many hoses' we had to hook together to make it long enough to reach and water the trees in the field:)

April 23rd 2009

It was Emmalee's Heavenly Birthday...probably her most important birthday! Sorry I haven't had time to get on here and post lately...it just seems like life has been so crazy this past month. I wonder if every April will feel this way? Anyway...just a little recap for you all on what we did on April 23rd. We started out the day by going down to Rochester and getting cinnamon rolls from Daube's Bakery. If you've never had one of their cinnamon rolls I suggest that you stop what you are doing right now and go an get one. Well...maybe that's not realistic (and after all what you're doing right now is reading my blog) but I do recommend if you are ever in Rochester that you stop there and get yourself one. I don't think you'll be disappointed. After that we had a few errands to run and then we went to Sam's Club to pick up cupcakes so that we could bring those up to the doctors and nurses in the NICU and Heart Unit. Then it was on to our big event of the day...we had called a few of the nurses to see if they would want to meet us for lunch at Canadian Honkers...and guess what...some of them did! Actually more of them wanted to come but they had to work! We were so excited to see them again...we are so thankful that Emmalee had such great people taking care of her and we will forever be grateful to them and grateful to God for allowing us to go through this so we could meet all these wonderful folks! After lunch...which lasted 2 hours!...we went over to Mayo and first walked in the garden...we sat on the same bench that one year and a day ago I sat there and told Jon that there was no way I could plan a funeral for my daughter and I certainly couldn't sit through a funeral service for her (that was one my rationalization to God as to why He couldn't let Emmalee die...I thought it was a good one...but as we know He saw fit to take her Home and He proved to me that He would be with me). Well as we all know, God gives us the strength to get through what we need to and He proved Himself to me. I got through it...and 10 months later I did it again. And looking back I still marvel at how strong I was...God is good all the time. We didn't sit on that bench for too long, as it was in the shade and the other one in the sun was way more appealing, but we did sit in the park for awhile and just talk. It was nice. Then we took the treats, as well as some beautiful and sweet blankets that my mom made for other babies that will have to be in the NICU or Mary Brigh 5B (the heart unit), up to the units in the hospital...we got to see a few more of the special nurses that helped take care of our sweet baby girl and then we left Mayo (St. Mary's). I always hate leaving there 'cause I feel like I'm leaving Emmalee's place. Since she never got to come home with us I always feel a special connection to the Mayo and I know Jon feels it too. We always look up to the window where her room was...even though we never really took the time to look out of it while she was there....but to us that's her room and I think we'll always look up at it. The rest of the day we just hung out, got some DQ, and watched Survivor. It was a good day. Here are the pictures from our time at Canadian Honkers (another place you should definitely try...their beef stew was one of the only things Jon could eat that actually tasted good to him while Emmalee was in the hospital):

Jon with Connie (in the blue) and Breanna. These two ladies took care of Emmalee when she was in the NICU. They even came up to visit her after her heart surgery. We love them!

Me with Lori (in the middle) and Becky. Lori was Emmalee's nurse in the heart unit and was definitely a strong lady for us to lean on! She was there for us so much and we love her to death! She's the one who convinced the rest of the staff to let us hold Emmalee while she passed away...she made it happen. Thank you Lori! Becky is actually Lori's niece and she works in the NICU. She was never actually one of Emma's nurses but she did help out from time to time and even helped Breanna decorate her room up in the heart unit!

The group picture! The only thing better would have been a high chair sitting at the end of the table!

Thanks for taking the time to read our blog and thanks for keeping us in your prayers. We still can't believe that a year has gone by. One more thing...since it has been a year now I think that I am going to change this blog over to one for Emmalee, Owen and Cooper. I had created the other blog to update you all on what is going on in our lives and just every day kind of stuff. I hate that that one had to become a "sad" blog as well. So I'm going to dedicate this blog to all of our "Feldman Baby(s)" and keep the Feldman Crew blog as our everyday blog (not that I will post everyday...come on...you know me better than that!). But I do love having a place to write about our babies and what I am learning through it all...so I will do that here. Thank you all again.

April 23rd

Well we made it past one year. I don't have time to post right now about what we did to celebrate Emmalee's one year in Heaven (so I will do that at a later date) but I just wanted to get on here and say thank you to you all for your prayers and kind thoughts for us yesterday. We definitely felt covered because yesterday wasn't a sad day for us. There were plenty of moments for tears and yet there were none. And that did feel good. We had a very good day, being husband and wife and remembering our sweet girl. And as I thought about it I thought...okay we've survived one year...I wonder how many more "years" we will have...

Did you find one of our balloons?

If so we'd love to hear where you found it! Please leave a comment for us! Thanks!

Emmalee's Party

Well...Friday proved to be a very good day! I think the anticipation of the day was harder than actually facing the day itself. Oh...there were a lot of tears...don't get me wrong...but neither of us were a blubbering mess. But...even if we were...could you blame us?! Anyway...I will just say it again. I can't believe that a year has gone by. I don't know how it went so fast. It seems like I just started the grieving process for my baby and now it's been a year. I guess this just proves that the grieving process can last for a while. A day still does not go by that I don't think of her...that amazes me...and I am being totally serious...not one day. It's not an all day thing but all of a sudden...there she is...I can picture her...what a cute baby she was:) Anyway...I'll give you a run down of what we did to celebrate Emmalee on what would have been her one year birthday. You can also check out her Auntie Britt's blog, as she wrote a very nice post about our celebration. So Jon and I woke up that morning and laid in bed and just talked about how our lives would have been so different had Emmalee still been with us. I know I mentioned it before, but Jon's comment was..."it's too quiet in this house to be celebrating a one year old's birthday today"...and it's true...it was too quiet. I think most of our tears came at this time...and truth be told...the night before. We decided against watching her video, as it just seemed too hard to do and we were trying to just get through the day...it's a lot easier to just look at pictures where she is still then to watch a video and see the life that she had in her...does that make sense? So we decided to get up...and go get some breakfast from the Tavern (which is a restaurant in Northfield for those of you who don't live around here). We ran into a couple we knew and had a wonderful time chatting with them. Then we took a stroll through Northfield and stopped in a few shops and then it was back home for us. We spent the remainder of the morning and early afternoon cleaning and getting ready for everyone to come over for a barbecue that evening. And of course...I had to make a cake! Well at 4:30 we headed out to the cemetery and all of our family met us out there. Jon has bought himself a huge kite to fly this spring and so we thought it would be fun to get a bunch more kites and have a time of flying kites together...and it was fun! I think everyone liked it. And I liked taking pictures of all my nieces and nephews getting into the fun. Then we did a balloon release...I had gotten pink and white balloons (thanks mom and dad for picking them up) and had printed off messages to tie to the strings...and if they wanted to I had markers out there in case they wanted to write their own messages...the kids drew some cute pictures for Emmalee to see. Then we all let them go at the same time...well...almost....my nephew Logan let his go early...poor kid...he looked like he could cry but he was trying not too...and then my nephew Jack didn't want to let his go...he wanted to keep it:) It was really fun to watch them go until you couldn't see them any longer. Then we just came back to our house...started a fire...fired up the grill...and had food and lots of fun. It really was a nice day of celebrating Emma. Then on Saturday we (my family and Matt, Chris and kids) took a meal down to the Ronald McDonald House in Rochester and fed the families there. It was hard to believe that a year ago we were the ones receiving the meal. It always feels good to give back! They told us to plan for 25-30...well...I think we had over 50! Good thing I always over prepare! It came in handy this time! Not too many leftovers this time around! And then Easter was on Sunday and we spent that with both of our families at the Feldman's. So it was a good weekend...a busy weekend. I was exhausted, both physically and emotionally, on Monday. Well...I guess that's all I have for now...I'll leave you with some pictures of Emmalee's Day.

The Cakes!

How high are they?!?

Jon's new kite! Isn't it pretty!

Uncle Jon trying to get their kite to fly.

Jack and I

Ready

Set

Off they go!

Can you still see them?

All the kids with Emmalee

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday our dearest Emmalee

Happy Birthday to you!

I'm sure the angels sing it much better than we do baby girl but we just wanted you to know how much we love you and miss you! We are celebrating your life today and so wish you could be here. Daddy and I layed in bed this morning and he said to me..."this house to too quite to be celebrating a one year old's birthday"...it saddens us that you aren't here to celebrate...to see the cake I'm making...or for us to give you your birthday spankings (and a pinch to grow an inch). But...we are rejoicing for you because you are in a wonderful place and you are fully healed and I'm sure you are having the best birthday...better than any party we could ever throw you! Hopefully your brothers are behaving themselves and not blowing out your candle before you get to! Your cousins are going to be sending you up balloons today with messages and pictures on them for you to see...hopefully they get to you! (Although I'm not crazy and I know they truly will not make it to Heaven...we just thought it would be fun for them to do.) Well...just know how much we love you and how much we miss you! You will forever be our little Emmalee and April 10th will forever be your day! Happy Birthday!
We love you!
Mommy and Daddy

P.S. God -- will you please give our baby girl a hug and kiss from us. Thank you! And thank you for giving us a reason to celebrate. Even if she could not stay here with us we just thank you for her life and all that she means to us. Thank you for watching over us this past year and thank you for taking care of our kids for us...your love is amazing!

Monday was 11 Months in Heaven

Well, we've passed the 11 months in Heaven mark for Emmalee. Still can't believe it. Here we go...heading for the one year mark! Wow. Please be in prayer for us as we head in this direction. Jon and I were talking the other night about how last year at this time we were preparing for our new little bundle of joy to arrive. How he was so antsy for him or her to get here. I can't believe that was only a year ago...I feel like so much has happened to us in a year that it can't seem possible for it only to be a year...and yet...it's been a year? How can that be...time has gone so fast. Two totally different reactions and yet I feel them both. Well...here we go.

11 Months

Raise your hand if you can believe Emmalee would have been 11 months old already!! These months keep ticking by! Jon called me on Tuesday (the day Emmalee would have been 11 months) and asked me if I could believe it had been 11 months already...and my answer...no! I can't believe it. Which I told him was probably a good thing. That means time is still going by and we are healing...at least the days don't drag on...at least time is moving...getting us one day closer to reuniting with her and Owen and Cooper. Some day my arms will be full! Until then they still ache. After the boys died I missed her so badly! I just wanted Emmalee to hold. I don't really know why that is...after all...shouldn't I be missing them. But yet again...I had just seen them and had just said good-bye to them. At that time it had been 10 months since I had seen Emmalee and I just wanted her. Also, I think we had more time to bond with her...she was with us for 18,445 minutes more than the boys were. Anyway...all that to say that I miss her...we miss her. Life will never be the same for us. It will be richer because she has graced our lives but there will always be a piece missing...a piece we will forever miss and grieve for. But glory be to God that He has been a constant strength and comfort to us. He may have let us go down this road but He has not left us to go it alone. He is writing a story here and I'm glad to be one of the characters. He is shaping us to be the people He wants us to be. Stronger people with more love to give to others. Hopefully He sees fit for us to become parents again. We would like that. Well I hope you all have a blessed day. Thanks for being with us these past 11 months. And Happy 11 Month Birthday Emmalee. Have some cake for me!

10 Months in Heaven

I wonder what that would be like...probably seems like a second to you but to us down here it seems like such a long time. We miss you baby girl. That statement will always be true. Until our glorious reunion with you and your brothers...
We love you!
Mommy and Daddy

Happy 10 Months

Happy Birthday Baby Girl! I can't believe today that you would have been 10 months old! I know you're going to have a real special birthday today...especially since your brothers are with you to celebrate! That must have been one reason God wanted them on Sunday...for you! We miss you guys so much...more than words can even express. Our hearts ache and we cry for you, but don't worry about us...we will be fine. We know you're in a great place...we can't wait to celebrate all your birthdays with you...together...one big happy family! Now be nice to your little brothers...they are pretty little! But I do have feeling that they will give you a run for your money! Daddy said he could just picture you last night...all three of you snuggled up together...I like that thought. Now make sure you tell God that we need more sibling for you three...but make sure he knows we want to keep them down here on earth! We'll let them join you (and us) when they are old and gray! Again...Happy Birthday Emmalee. I'm so glad to be your mommy!

Love,
Mommy

Playmates in Heaven

I just wanted you all to know that Emmalee's little brothers joined her in Heaven today. Owen Timothy and Cooper James were born at only 21 weeks...they lived for 19 beautiful minutes each. We are sad and heavy hearted...for more info check out: http://www.feldmancrew.blogspot.com/

9 Months

Well we made it past the 9 month mark...can you believe it! I know I write that every time but I still can't believe how gracious God has been to us to let us grieve and yet go on with our lives and let the time pass. On the 23rd, our friends, Darin and Tanya, were actually here so that helped us not to linger on the fact that our little girl had been gone for 9 months. We were actually down at Rochester showing Darin and Tanya around the town and the complex they call Mayo...I know...we know how to entertain our guests don't we?!?! But we do think that place is truly amazing and we found the museum in the Mayo building so that was kinda fun to see. And we took them to the chapel at St. Mary's...if you haven't seen it yet, you do need to go...it's truly a work of art and it is so beautiful! Anyway...we are doing good. Having these babies on the way makes it a little easier, which is what we were hoping for. It was either going to make it harder or easier...I'm glad it's the latter...not that they will ever replace Emma, but they will give us a reason to celebrate and a reason to get up in the morning and they will be a constant reminder to us of their sister...every milestone they have I'm sure I'll wonder if that's how Emma would have done it or if that's how old she would have been when she started to do that. And now that these babes are starting to move more it reminds me of her again. That first excitement of feeling your baby move inside of you...you can't even describe how wonderful it feels! And just feeling them reminds me of how I would look forward to her every move...especially in the end 'cause I knew she was safe and that she was okay. Jon and I were just saying the other day...we can't believe that April is coming up so fast. We still don't know what we will do to mark the one year anniversary or her birthday...but whatever it is it will be special. Well I will let you all go for now...I just wanted to make sure I wrote as I have not written on here for awhile...I'm sorry for that! Take care and we'll talk again! ~Ali