Wednesday, September 10, 2008
5 months ago...that seems so hard to believe. At 3:16 p.m. today I would have had a five month old. And I tell you...today...with the kind of cramps I am having...I remember labor very well...ha! Hard to believe that that much time has past...seems so long ago and yet like it was yesterday...and yet at the same time by God's grace it actually has been bearable and we have made it through. And I have to say...when anyone ever said "Not a day goes by that I don't think of so and so..." I found that statement hard to believe. Not a day? But let me tell you folks...I don't think that way anymore....I can tell you with certainty that not a day goes by without thinking of Emma...and lately...not a day goes by where I don't get just a few tears in my eyes...they might not fall...'cause I try to be real strong...but they do sting...and my heart gets real heavy...5 months...can it really be?!? I was watching the news last week and they were doing a follow-up story on a little girl in the cities who actually has hypoplastic left heart syndrome...I don't know her whole story...my ears just perked up as soon as I heard she has a heart condition (I tell you...I'm much more in tune to heart stuff anymore)...anyway...she is 5 and ended up needing a heart transplant...she did get it...and now it's a year long wait to make sure her body doesn't reject it...and if it doesn't...then she has about 20 years until she needs another one. Now...I think this should be good news...but I couldn't help but think...that poor little girl...she's going to be okay for a little while here...but then she's going to have to worry again that her heart will give out on her and will there be another heart for her when she needs it! This got me thinking in a whole new way of Emmalee's condition. I truly believe that God knew how bad Emmalee's heart was and He knew she'd have a long road ahead of her and a hard life....He loved her so much that He couldn't let her stay here with us. He also didn't let her die in the hands of the surgeon...He wouldn't have wanted Dr. Burkhart to blame himself for Emmalee's death...and he wouldn't want us questioning whether they had done everything they could have done for her in surgery....He let me and Jon be in there for her final test to see her blood clots...and He let Emmalee's body be the bad guy and take her from us...no one to blame...rejoicing that she was finally healed...rejoicing that she will never be a scared little girl wondering if her heart was going to give out...or being a 25 year old wondering the same thing. Emmalee is in a better place...she has been for almost 5 months...she is missed so dearly...it hurts...but she doesn't and that's all that matters. We got her rock completely done...it's so pretty...but now it's almost hard to see her picture there...when it was just her name it didn't really click that she was buried there...now with her cute little face right there in front of you...it's hard...but it's so pretty and so suiting for our little Emmalee. Enjoy the pictures!