Here's to 2009!

As I said on the other blog...I can not believe that we are on the last day of 2008! Sometimes I'm tempted to say...well good riddance to 2008...but then I think...no...this was a great year. Sure it was filled with a lot of sadness and feelings that I wish I didn't have to feel...but 2008 also brought me my beautiful daughter and the experience to be a mom! And I wouldn't trade that for the world! This year was the year that Jon and I were suppose to have. I can't believe all that has come out of this year! A lot of growing was done. And God is giving us a happy ending to the year...so far everything seems to be going good with the twins...He's giving us the hope that we needed. Thank you to all of you who have been on this journey with us...I know I thank you a lot but I just want you all to know that we truly do appreciate you! Sorry that I didn't blog more during Christmas...it just seemed to get so busy...and then I didn't really feel like it...and then our Internet went down! But thank you to all who checked on us to see how this Christmas went...it wasn't as bad as I thought it could have been...it must have been all your prayers for us that guarded us! There were some times that were hard...like when all the kids at the Feldman's were opening up their present...you couldn't help but think that Emmalee should have been there. And then on Christmas Eve we went out to Valley Grove (where Emmalee is buried) and attended their service out there, just so we could be close to her and feel like we spent Christmas with her...even though that's only her body there...it just felt good to be close...but I bet she had the best Christmas ever...after all...she's spending it with the Christ Child in person...she may not have gotten to sit on Santa's lap but I think Jesus' lap would be much more comfortable! I'm so happy for her! Well I just want to wish you all a Happy New Year! I hope you all have a wonderful 2009...full of lots of happy moments! And I just want to encourage you all to be praying for all the other moms and dads out there who have lost children this year...being in this new "club" you realize how many people have lost babies and children...and my heart aches for them. Thank you for lifting them up as well! Until next time...

I couldn't figure it out

I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so weepy today....then I remembered that it would have been Emmalee's 8 month birthday. Wow...I still can't believe that! (And on a side note...today on my soap...I know...it's bad to watch them...it's my dirty little secret...I catch up on them when I am actually at home during the day...anyway...today on my soap they had to have a funeral for a little baby...I thought that was so unfair...it brought on so many tears!) Actually this whole week I have felt weepy and I'm sure some of that has to do with my raging hormones right now with these two little blessings inside of me! Truly a gift...as was Emmalee. She did give us all a gift, as most of you have told me how much her story has meant to you...her story seems to hit everyone a little different...hits you right where you are at. To me...that is truly a miracle. It still amazes me that God can use our circumstances to help others with theirs. Anyway...I just wanted to touch base with all of you. This Christmas season I think is going to be hard on me (and Jon for that matter)...like I've said before...all the first are hard. I think I'm going to be a little bit weepier...and I know I already feel like a Scrooge. I don't know what's up with me but I just can not get into the Christmas spirit! Isn't that awful! I think so. Part of it I think is losing Emmalee...the other is the miracles growing inside of me...they are making me awfully exhausted! Well I hope you all are enjoying the Christmas Season...it is getting really beautiful here in MN with all the snow we've been getting. And I'm very thankful for Christmas and for being able to celebrate Christ's birth. For with out that...I wouldn't have the assurance that my little girl is in Heaven and that someday I will get to see her again. Thank you Lord for sending your Son down to Earth for us...to die for our sins and be able to live with you in paradise someday...I thank you that you know my hurt, after all, your Son had to die as well...and I thank you for being there for us...all of us...ready to meet us where we are at. Have a wonderful Christmas everyone! Oh...and we took a tree out to Emmalee's grave...we decorated it the other night...I think it looks cute! We thought it'd be kind of a fun tradition for our family to decorate a tree for Emmalee every year. I also bought some solar powered lights...they hadn't charged yet so I think we are going to go out tomorrow night to see if they actually work...if not....they are going back to Target...those things were expensive! Well...I hope you like Emmalee's First Christmas Tree!

Love~
Ali

New Blog

Just a quick update for you all...I have created a new blog...I just didn't want to use this blog for updating you all on other happenings in our lives...this has come to be Emmalee's blog and it will stay that way. So here's our new address:

feldmancrew.blogspot.com

Feel free to go and check it out! Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. We sure did! And I didn't even stuff myself too full! Have a great week!

Strength Will Rise

Hi all! Sorry...time has gotten away from me as we approach Thanksgiving...and I thought I'd write today because I know tomorrow will be busy! Work has been very busy, which is always a blessing, but then I just come home and crash...I didn't know I could be such a couch potato! Anyway...last week I think it was I heard a song on the radio that instantly brought me back to our time in the hospital with Emmalee. As you may recall, the Thursday that Emmalee had her surgery they made us stay the night in the hospital...looking back I know it was because they didn't think she'd make it through the night and they wanted us there so we'd be able to say good-bye. Well, she did make it through and the next morning they told us to go back to the Ronald House and get cleaned up, take a nap (since sleep didn't come very easy that night...they stuck us in a small room, with no windows and I felt like the walls could come in at any moment...I didn't want the lights shut off all the way 'cause it was so dark in there...I'm not afraid of the dark but that night I think I might have been...I actually think I was having small panic attacks that night...I didn't want Jon to leave me...if I fell asleep I made him promise to wake me up if he was going to go anywhere...I did not want to wake up and find him not there...he was a good husband and did just that for me...he's so good to me), and get something to eat. I remember Jon and I getting into the elevator and us both saying..."Man...we stink!"...and then going down to the underground parking garage. Your radio doesn't work down there, but as we came up the ramp and into the sunlight, this is the song that was playing:

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

Wait upon the Lord

We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever

Our hope, our Strong Deliverer

You are the everlasting God

The everlasting God

You do not faint

You won’t grow weary

You’re the defender of the weak

You comfort those in need

You lift us up on wings like eagles

And I think for the first time I realized that God was going to give us that strength...He was going to prove that He is enough...and He gives us the strength as we wait upon Him. I know I've said it time and time again...but I did feel like I had been given this supernatural strength that I don't know where it would have come from if not from God. And I like the last part of the song...we were faint and we were weary...but that's okay...because He doesn't get that way...we need to just lean on Him...He will carry us...and He was the defender of the weak...He took Emmalee Home to be with Him where she is not weak anymore...and He has brought us much comfort. Wow...what a song...who knew that it could fit our story so well...now that is totally a God thing! Well I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! We have much to be thankful for...and while this first Thanksgiving I know will be hard, we are able to look back at this year and find that God has given us so much and Emmalee's story is still reaching people, and I find that to be a true blessing! He gave us an incredible little girl...thanks be to God! He is good...all the time! Happy Thanksgiving!

7 Months

I still can't believe it every time I write another number in front of the word months...seven this time. Can it really be that long ago? I guess that's a good sign...life is going good in spite of our loss. Time does make it more manageable...and God does that as well. Although on Sunday we had to sing the gives and takes away song...tears almost always come when I sing that song...sometimes I wish we'd quite singing it...but the words are good and I find it's good to cry. Anyway...as I was reading my Bible this week I've been focusing on Romans 8. If you've never read Romans I would highly encourage it...there is so much good stuff in this book. But starting with verse 28 and continuing to the end of the chapter it is titled More Than Conquerors. And although I've read these verses before they took on a whole new meaning for me this week. Verse 28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." In all things...good...can I really say that. Well...yes I can. I have seen so many good changes in people and heard so many stories that yes...although we have experienced pain and wish she was here with us, God has used this time for good. Then 35 & 37 say this, "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?" "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." Wow...I like that. I can see that through times like these people might be tempted to blame God...I know people who do...but thankfully He is right there for us...with his love...I picture him standing there with arms wide open, waiting to hold us. And I am very thankful for the people he sends into our live to actually give us that physical touch...to hold us when we cry and grieve with us. That is His love...in human form. Well I might as well finish out the chapter, although I do hope some of you can take the time to read through this and ponder it in your own lives. Verse 38-39 "For I am convince that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Emmalee is experiencing his love through her death...she is the lucky one being able to be in the very presence of our God. We all have to wait a while to get there. But none of us know when that will be...maybe tomorrow...or next week...or in another 100 years...so it's nice to know that even in life we can feel that same love...I also just want to encourage you if you do not know for certain that when you die you will go to Heaven and experience this great love for yourself in the presence of God, please do turn to him and ask him to become your Lord and Savior. It's really that easy...if you ever need anyone to talk to I am always here...contact me. I know that He is real...His comfort is real...His love is real. I would not be where I am today if He was not. I'll get off my soap box now. On another side note...we are going to a memorial service down at Mayo this weekend for all the families that have lost children this year. I just got an e-mail with some info on the events of the weekend and I counted 22 names on the e-mail list. Please just be in prayer for us during this time. I think it's going to be hard...but good. It will be real good connecting with these other families and hearing their stories. But I'm sure there will be plenty of tears...I'll pack my Kleenex's! I hope you all have a wonderful week...sorry I didn't post last week...didn't have much to say I guess! (Surprising huh!)
~Ali

Emmalee's name in print

So this last week we received in the mail our copy of the Ronald McDonald House newsletter. It's such a nice newsletter...full color...glossy...like a little magazine. I really enjoy receiving it and learning what's going on there and to read the stories about the little ones who do have success stories. I think this must be a quarterly thing for them to send out...since we've only received one other one. Well this newsletter turns out to have a little more meaning for us. First of all, when I got the page of donations made there was Emmalee's name...thank you to all of you who have donated to the Ronald McDonald House in our sweet little girls name. It means so much to us to have her honored in this way. The House was so good to us and a much needed retreat from the hospital...we definitely count the House as one of our top charities to give to. And then I saw the next page...it was a page listing all the angels who had gotten their wings from March 1, 2008 - July 31, 2008...and there was Emmalee Feldman listed at the top. Oh the tears streamed down...the heart wrenching pain started...just more of a reality check to me that I have a daughter that is no longer with me. Thank goodness I do know where she is at but it is still hard! The other sad part was reading through the rest of the names...there were 7 total. Seven families...seven mom's and dad's...who are going through the same thing we are. I grieve for them knowing how hard it is. I wish I could take all their pain away from them! But I can't...I can just pray for them. Pray that God would surround them with His love and that they will know the comfort of the Great One. I hope all of you will someday feel that love, if you haven't already, that Jon and I have felt. Losing a child is not easy...but with God we are making it through and we have had many brighter days because we know Him. Take care this week...keep collecting your pop tabs...every little one helps the Ronald McDonald House with its mission! And give all your kids a big hug and kiss! Thank you!

Six Months with Jesus

I decided to post today instead of yesterday since today is the six month anniversary of Emmalee's homecoming...six months ago at 12 noon Emmalee went to meet Jesus...and she's been completely healed since then! How awesome is that. But I know today will be kinda hard for Jon and I...so at noon...if you read this today...please send up a quick prayer for us. I'm thankful that we will both be at work today...it makes it easier when we are busy. Yesterday was so gloomy out that it was a pretty good day of reflecting...just looking at her picture...what a cute little thing:) Anyway...I'm just rambling now. This six month mark is kinda surreal. At this point I was thinking that she would have had her 2nd surgery...she would have been close to coming home, if not home already, and we would have had some time with her before having another surgery because that one would have been between the ages of 2-3. But even that wouldn't have been a guarantee...she might not have survived the 2nd surgery...or the third...and from some blogs I've read...she could have developed major infections and had something completely different to deal with. So I rejoice today that my sweet baby girl does not have to endure any of that...yes...to be selfish I would say...well we could deal with that...at least we'd have Emmalee here with us...but to be completely unselfish I'm so glad that God knows what is best for each and every one of us and he chose to have Emmalee come and sit on His lap instead of mine. Well, thanks for letting me take a little time to reflect. I hope you all have a wonderful October 23!

Half a year

Can you believe that last Friday marked a half a year since Emmalee was born! I know I can't! And I'm glad that I can say that time has really flown by! We're coming up to the 6th month anniversary of her death, which I'm sure will be hard, but I'll be glad to celebrate her life as well. Wow...6 months. I was with my friends from college this last weekend and my friend Kelli had her baby, Bekah, there and she was born on April 13th, so it was kinda interesting to see a little of what Emmalee would have been doing. Actually...right about now she probably would have been recovering from her second surgery...one I'm glad she'll never have to have. People tell you time heals everything...and I think that to be true...but yet, sometimes I don't think there has been enough time yet...and maybe there never will be. I found it interesting the other day...I was showing my girlfriends the scrapbook that I had made for Emmalee and people have asked me...was that hard to make? And my answer is no...it was fun. But I think I just discovered the reason why it hasn't been so hard...she's not moving in the pictures. Now you may say...well duh Ali...but here me out. When she's in the pictures, to me, she doesn't have life...she has life in the pictures yes...but she somehow doesn't seem real to me. Now when I showed them the video of Emmalee...oh...the tears came...I had this emotion rise up in me that made me just want to sit on the floor and sob (I didn't but I wanted to)...that's when it hit me...I can look at her picture and be fine...because I realize she is dead and that was just her earthly body and she is healed and complete in Heaven...having full life up there. But when I see the video...I am reminded that she was here...with me...full of life...looking at us with those beautiful eyes...sticking her tongue out because she doesn't like the tubes...and getting little crying faces and not making a sound...yep...it's when I see her like that I think all over again...why why why...but I will know someday...her life had and is still serving a purpose...and I'm going to see all that again someday. Yea!!!!!!!!! Well I'll talk to you all later!



Oh...one more thing...my friends signed me up for Facebook...still don't know what I'm really doing on there but if you want to check me out or add me as a friend...I'm there.

Things are good

Hi everyone! Sorry I didn't post yesterday....kinda forgot! I guess that's a good thing though...it means we are doing good and life is going good, which is such a blessing! I guess all your prayers must be working! So nothing new to report...sorry to bore you all! I've been thinking of maybe starting a new blog...one where I can share other things that are happening in our lives (like how I saw New Kids On The Block when they were at the Mall of America...there mom...I put it on here:) She asked me why I didn't put that on my blog and I said...well...'cause it's Emmalee's blog so I can't put stuff on there like that...by the way...it was fun seeing them...it brought back old memories from 4th grade!). I kinda feel like this is just Emmalee's blog and I can't post anything else on it except for stuff that pertains to her...maybe that's silly...but I want her to have this one all to herself. I'll probably still post my feelings on here from time to time but feel like maybe I've aired it all out here and I'm good right now so I don't need to right now...at least not every week...the days from the 10th - 23rd I'm sure I'll have something on here...those days are always hard. Anyway...now I'm just babbling and talking (typing) out loud. So I'll see about that new blog...something for me to think about. I'm going to be leaving next Wednesday for a get together in IN with some of my girlfriends from college so I will be MIA...but I'll be back the next Wednesday...and I'll let you all know how that new blog comes together...or if it does:) You all have a good week...thanks for checking in on me!

Afternoon at Valley Grove

Well I do have to say that this week was pretty uneventful. What should have been a really hard day on Tuesday, was not so bad. I was at work all day and I was really busy so that helps. On Sunday we went out to Valley Grove (where Emma is buried) because they were having a Country Social! It was so fun! They had both churches open and they had horse and wagon rides for the kids (and adults!)...there were some musical groups there putting on shows and they had refreshments...I think they do this every year so we're excited to go back next year! Valley Grove obviously holds a special place in our lives now so it's fun to go to the events that they have there...I guess they have a wonderful Christmas Eve service out there so I think we are going to try to go to that as well. While we were out there we had lots of people commenting on Emma's rock...so it was nice to hear that plus be able to make a connection to other people. I think it was the first time for some of our nieces and nephews to see the rock with her picture on it...it's carved in granite, as I said before, and so therefore it's shinny and smooth...they just kept rubbing it...I told Jon that poor Emmalee is going to get rubbed right off of there or rubbed even more shinny! But that's okay....I'm glad they like to touch her face and make a connection with her. Our niece Julia was so cute...when asked who was in the picture she got a real squeal to her voice and said, "that's Emmwawee!" (I tried to type it how it sounded...it was too cute...too bad you all couldn't have heard it). Well then my mother-in-law said, "well you heard what she said when we came out here to place Emma's rock, didn't you?" And of course my answer was no because had I heard this before it would have already been on this blog! Well that day they walked out there and Julia goes right up to the place where Emmalee was buried and said "Nana, where's Emmalee. I saw Jon put her in the ground right there...where is she?" I guess they must have told her that we were going out to see Emmalee and she wanted to see her. It amazes me what kids do or think or say! Too cute. Well I guess that's all I have for you now...sorry it's Thursday before I get this posted...yesterday just seemed to get away from me! I'll talk to you all later!

One thing I've learned...

If there is one thing that I've learned this year, it's that you can't control what happens in life...case and point...it rained...all day...on Sunday! If you remember...Sunday was the day we had our big party for all the doctors, nurses, and everyone else that was involved with helping us with Emmalee. Oh well...I prayed for no rain...but there must have been a reason that it needed to rain that day (do you remember the movie Bruce Almighty? God can't answer all our prayers with a yes...He's ultimately in control and know what's best for everyone)...and we survived. We just all moved into the house...my small house...and still had a great time. It was so good to see everyone again! Emma's last day was so rushed and not everyone was working that day that had taken care of her so we didn't get to say good-bye and thank everyone. Also...that little girl of ours helped us create a bond with all of these people and we don't want that bond to break...we enjoyed getting to know everyone...even during the circumstance that we were in. Pretty special...anyway...we had fun...lots of food...lots of stories and remembering...and lots of making plans for future get togethers! Thank you to everyone who came...it was good to see you all! And thank you to all our family who helped us put on this party...who came to help clean my house...and who helped get the food ready and helped put it out that day...and let me and Jon be able to socialize! Other than not too much is new with us. Jon did get the backyard done...it's so cool...and beautiful. I'll post a picture so you all can see it! But I think I'm going to close for now....today was five months since Emmalee's heart surgery...one of the worst days of my life...I was struck that day with such worry...that worry is so unbearable...I pray that I never feel that kind of worry again...and I was just telling my sis-in-law, Annette, about the long walk...down the white hall...how awful it was and how I wanted to request a wheelchair 'cause I literally felt like I could just pass out at any minute...and she was surprised that they didn't offer one...especially since I had just had a baby. But the strength was there for me and I got through it...we got through it. And we have new relationships with people that we would have never had...for that...we are very grateful to God. Well have a great week all...here's a few pictures for you!

Isn't my backyard so pretty! My husband is so talented!

More backyard pictures....the paver patio has a 3 foot fire pit in the middle of it! Fun huh!

I forgot to put this image on with her other pictures of her stone...this is just a little sentiment on the front of her stone...just a statement we believe to be true. There is also a heart on the front corner that says...Loved dearly by her mommy and daddy, Ali and Jon.

Okay...can I tell you how weird it is to see your own name on a funeral plot map!?!

5 Months

5 months ago...that seems so hard to believe. At 3:16 p.m. today I would have had a five month old. And I tell you...today...with the kind of cramps I am having...I remember labor very well...ha! Hard to believe that that much time has past...seems so long ago and yet like it was yesterday...and yet at the same time by God's grace it actually has been bearable and we have made it through. And I have to say...when anyone ever said "Not a day goes by that I don't think of so and so..." I found that statement hard to believe. Not a day? But let me tell you folks...I don't think that way anymore....I can tell you with certainty that not a day goes by without thinking of Emma...and lately...not a day goes by where I don't get just a few tears in my eyes...they might not fall...'cause I try to be real strong...but they do sting...and my heart gets real heavy...5 months...can it really be?!? I was watching the news last week and they were doing a follow-up story on a little girl in the cities who actually has hypoplastic left heart syndrome...I don't know her whole story...my ears just perked up as soon as I heard she has a heart condition (I tell you...I'm much more in tune to heart stuff anymore)...anyway...she is 5 and ended up needing a heart transplant...she did get it...and now it's a year long wait to make sure her body doesn't reject it...and if it doesn't...then she has about 20 years until she needs another one. Now...I think this should be good news...but I couldn't help but think...that poor little girl...she's going to be okay for a little while here...but then she's going to have to worry again that her heart will give out on her and will there be another heart for her when she needs it! This got me thinking in a whole new way of Emmalee's condition. I truly believe that God knew how bad Emmalee's heart was and He knew she'd have a long road ahead of her and a hard life....He loved her so much that He couldn't let her stay here with us. He also didn't let her die in the hands of the surgeon...He wouldn't have wanted Dr. Burkhart to blame himself for Emmalee's death...and he wouldn't want us questioning whether they had done everything they could have done for her in surgery....He let me and Jon be in there for her final test to see her blood clots...and He let Emmalee's body be the bad guy and take her from us...no one to blame...rejoicing that she was finally healed...rejoicing that she will never be a scared little girl wondering if her heart was going to give out...or being a 25 year old wondering the same thing. Emmalee is in a better place...she has been for almost 5 months...she is missed so dearly...it hurts...but she doesn't and that's all that matters. We got her rock completely done...it's so pretty...but now it's almost hard to see her picture there...when it was just her name it didn't really click that she was buried there...now with her cute little face right there in front of you...it's hard...but it's so pretty and so suiting for our little Emmalee. Enjoy the pictures!

Sunday Night

Well your prayers must have worked! I had just one little serving of taco meat left over after all had been served at the Ronald McDonald House dinner! I'm talking like only one taco could have been filled with the amount I had left! Plenty of lettuce, cheese, shells, and chips left though! Four bags of lettuce to be exact! But it was a really fun night. It was good to be back and a little hard. You kinda miss being in that environment...because if you were there that would mean you would have a child to be there for. And yet I don't envy the couples and families we met there. We met one family from WI that had been there previously...only to have to come back as soon as they got to their home because their sons cancer had come back...they've been there since March (Jon and I thought they looked familiar) and they hope to be home right after Thanksgiving...the kid said that was okay with him just as long as they were home for Christmas and his birthday. What a good attitude! And then there was the couple from Menominee, WI who had a baby born prematurely....he told us that he had built up time off from working overtime this last winter snow plowing (he works for the highway dept.) and that even though that time was running out all of his co-workers were donating their days off so that he could stay down there with his wife and baby. Jon and I were talking...stories like that really should be on the news...the goodness of people in today's world...you don't hear stories like that very often. There were a lot of couples there who had babies in the NICU...it was fun talking to them and about their experiences...and we all agreed...all the nurses up there are wonderful! So in all it was a very successful night and a very rewarding and fun night! And we got to deposit a bunch of pop tops in their big house box...that was fun for the kids! We can't wait to do it again! Other than that...we've been busy getting our house and our yard ready for the party we are having at our house on September 14th...we invited all of Emmalee's doctors and nurses...we just wanted to give them a proper thank you and figured this would be a fun way to do it...we just hope we have a good turnout...we'd love to see them all again! Sometime I'll have to post pictures on here of our transformation! It's looking so nice...Jon is really doing a good job! And...this weekend is Defeat of Jesse James weekend...so it will be full of fun activities! It's always a good time around Northfield. Also...one more note...Emma's headstone should be completely finished this weekend when the granite piece with her picture gets placed! Exciting! Well...hope you all have a great week...we'll chat with you later!

Ronald McDonald House

Hi all! I am happy to report that this week has been a very good week (so far;) ). Looking at your comments it amazes me that God laid us on your hearts to pray for us...how awesome is that?! And I appreciate them so much. I've told some of you that I just think those 13 days every month (for awhile) will affect me...when I see the dates...and realize that Emmalee would have been 4 months...or...I can't believe 4 months ago I was visiting my little girl in the NICU...or 4 months ago my Emma had heart surgery...or 4 months ago we lost our Emmalee. Anniversaries have a way of affecting us...most of us can remember exactly where we were on 911....most of us can remember where we were when we lost our grandma...or grandpa...most of us remember our happy moments as well...the day we met our husband/wife...the day our husband proposed to us...I still can remember where I was on July 24th, 1988...I was at my cousins Bible School...sitting outside...and having my mom and uncle come and get us to tell us that our Grandma Mary had passed away. And that's been 20 years....I sent my mom flowers this year....because I knew it would be a hard day for her...20 years later and when that anniversary comes around I pray extra hard for her 'cause I know it's hard not having a mom around. And so...I know that April 10-23 will always be a hard time of the year for me...but I think for awhile the 10th through the 23rd every month will be hard...that's just the way it is. Anyway...now I'm just rambling. I titled this entry as the Ronald McDonald House because I'm excited to be able to go serve a meal there this Sunday and I've been working on getting ready for Sunday today. I went to Sam's Club and got all the stuff and I've been cooking up hamburger like crazy to freeze so it's ready for Sunday...tacos are on the menu:)...every Sunday and Wednesday night (and sometimes Tuesdays) a group comes into the Ronald House and serves a meal for the families there...let me tell you what a blessing that was to come "home" to after a long day at the hospital. We knew we'd have a hot meal...and we didn't have to cook it! So Jon and I wanted to give back...so we recruited the Feldman side (the Watts' are serving at a later date) and we go down on Sunday night...I'm excited...can you tell! If you all live near a Ronald House I'd encourage you to look into serving a meal...I know they'd greatly appreciate it! And I just can't tell you how much the Ronald House means to us...they were there for us when we needed them...when I think of the House I think of these verses from the Bible:



Then the King will say to those on His right hand, "Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me."

Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, "Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?" And the King will answer and say to them, "Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me."



Aren't those good verses to live by. I need to remember to look around me more often and see those around me who need me. Well I'll quit rambling for now....just pray that we don't run out of food on Sunday...that would be so embarrassing! I hate guessing how much food to make or prepare...but I think I'm set! But I'm so excited to meet some of the people living at the House now...so many different stories and different walks of life...I just pray we will be a blessing to the people we will serve on Sunday. Well...I'm going to go for now...talk to you all next Wednesday...I'll let you know how it went!

Washed by the Water

Hi all! Well I think it's getting easier again. I can't really explain it to you all but I'll try. I think the fact that I should have been celebrating my birthday with my four month old daughter (if you recall we both have birthday's on the 10th...hers April...mine August) really put me in a funk...it's not like I was depressed or anything...I was just sad...and kept reliving all of our 13 days we had with Emmalee. I thought about the day of her surgery...how we were waiting for the news that they were finally done and she was on her way up to her room...I remember sitting in the waiting room and all of a sudden I remembered that Survivor was on...I thought I could try to watch that and try to take my mind off of what was going on. Well...it did help a little until the two nurses came and got us and told us that the doctor needed to talk to us again. You know that feeling in your stomach...it hurts and it feels nervous...I almost have that right now just thinking about how I felt then. Argh...we had to take that long walk (well it felt long) down the stark white hallway...down to the meeting room right outside the surgical rooms. And then we waited...and Dr. Burkhart came in...I will never forget the tired and defeated look he had on his face. Remember...he had already talk to us once....the surgery had gone fine but she just needed a little help so they put her on the ECMO machine...now...they had a whole different problem...her body threw a clot...did it go to her brain....did it not...only time will tell. Yes...this past week I was reliving all these memories in my head...it doesn't seem like four months could already have passed...and yet sometimes it seems so much longer. My arms ache sometimes...I just want to hold my baby. My good friend Sarah (hi Sarah) had twin girls in July and so she lets me come over and help her out and hold them...and that is so much fun...and yet it doesn't feel the same...how could it? You just want to feel this bond that only a mother and child can feel. But...and I know some days this feels like a big but (no pun intended!)...my day will come. It might be awhile...depending on how this body of mine works...or you never know...maybe God has a different way in which He'll make us parents...but I do believe that someday we will become parents and that ache and hurt will soften a bit. And I press on because I look forward to that day and time in our lives! Also, I think these past 10 days have been hard because (and this is going to sound crazy to some of you...and that's okay...someday maybe you'll understand) I believe that the devil has been trying to get at me...I feel like he is trying to discourage me and make me doubt in myself and who and how big God really is. It's easy for us to get into these pity parties for ourselves and sometimes it's hard to get out (not that I'm saying it's not okay for me to grieve...). One big event in my life just happened on Sunday...I finally got baptized! I never had been and always wanted to (well actually to be honest I was always a little nervous to get dunked in front of everyone) but it never really worked out...then our church was holding a baptism service out at Crystal Lake and so my whole family decided to do it. My dad was the first, even though he's been baptized before, he said he didn't really remember it so he wanted to do it again. Jon and I decided that we'd do it...this year has been such a true test of my faith and I have to say that it's stronger now that ever before. I was watching the Steven Curtis interview with Larry King and his wife Mary Beth said something like this...I have been all the way to the bottom and the foundation is still strong (or something along those lines)...and I totally feel that way...I know what she's saying and what she means. All that I've ever believed in and said that I believe in is true...it's been proven to me over this past year. What's that song...the foolish man built his house on the sand but the wise man built his house on the rock...and when the rain came down and the flood came up and the foolish mans house went splat but the wise mans house stayed firm. I have built my foundation on the Rock and He remained solid! So...getting back to the baptism...Jon and I decided that it would be a good time to do it. Then my mom had been baptised as an infant so she wanted to do it again and then Sam decided he didn't want to be left out :) so he joined us as well! It was a beautiful day and a beautiful service! And I truly believe that the devil was trying to get at me this week because (and Jon too) because he knew we were going to do this on Sunday...there were a couple times where we said...I don't think we should do it...I'm just not feeling good enough...or this just doesn't seem right...I'm not ready...and that took a toll on me. But I just said no...I'm doing it...it's going to be great. And you know what...this week has already been easier than last. Well anyway...I'll get off my soapbox now :) and wish you all a good week. Oh...on a little side note...my co-worker, Chris, had his surgery...all went well with that...we went down to see him at Mayo (which also brought back memories) and when we were down there we got to see Connie, one of Emma's nurses...that was fun. Chris was recovering at home when he went numb on his left side. They took him back down there and I guess he had a small stroke but he is doing better now and he's even back at work (which I've told him is crazy but he doesn't listen to me!)...anyway...thank you all for your prayers for him...I know he greatly appreciated it! And on one more side note...have you all been enjoying the Olympics? I'm quite annoyed actually...here I think I don't like to watch them...and now I can't go to bed because I'm glued to what's happening! Maybe that's part of my emotional problem...I'm tired 'cause I'm up watching the Olympics!:) I have to go to bed now! Take care!

Hard Day

Hi friends. I don't know really why it is but today seemed like a hard day. And I think I'll just leave it at that for now. I promise I'll write more next week. I hope you all have a great week...take care of yourselves! Oh...wait...I do have one prayer request...tomorrow my friend Chris (who is also my co-worker) is having his surgery to fix the hole in his heart...please pray for his surgeons and for his nerves :) Well...until next week...

8-8-07

I will never forget this day just one year ago. Quite possibly one of the happiest days of my life (of course marrying Jon and the birth of Emmalee are at the very top...but this one follows close behind)...this was the day I found out I was actually going to become a mom. I remember right where I was and what I was doing....I was working. I knew that I would find out this day because I had to go take a blood test to find out...when you do fertility treatments that's just part of it...and I had peed on so many sticks in the past...just to find out that I was not pregnant...that I was not going to do that this time...why be disappointed again. The funny things was that this was the first time I thought that I wasn't pregnant...didn't think it had happened. So anyway...back to the day. We had gone out to eat for my birthday at work (which is also one of the reasons I will never forget this day...it's 2 days before my birthday and what could have been a better birthday gift...in fact Jon took me away last year on my birthday and we celebrated the whole weekend the fact that we were going to be parents!) and I didn't feel 100%...not sick...just not right...I had the feeling that I was really, really full and I hadn't eaten that much at all. Well we got back to the shop and the clinic still hadn't called so I called them because I knew they closed at 3:30...the secretary told me that they had gotten a fax with my results and she'd have a nurse call me...well she didn't sound too positive so I didn't get my hopes up. My next client came in and I told her that I was waiting for a call from my dr. office and that if I got it I needed to excuse myself...well at around 3:30 the nurse finally called...and wouldn't you know it...she said, "well, your pregnant"...now understand this is the nurse that is not my favorite at the clinic and she's not the warmest person...so this was her being excited for me...I just kept saying...you have to be kidding me...you have to be kidding me. And now I have to go back and finish my client....well I did...I might have been shaking a little more....when I told her at her next appointment what that phone call really was about she asked me how I ever finished her haircut! I don't know...but she didn't have any complaints about it so it must have been okay! And then wouldn't you know I had my dad next...and of course I couldn't tell him because I hadn't even told Jon yet...in fact I lied to Jon and said that I hadn't gotten the results yet and now they were closed! More on that later. Anyway...dad came in...haircut...and then dinner...and I still had that feeling in my stomach but I sucked it up and ate anyway (my second time at Applebees that day) and he sat there telling me to not get discouraged...that someday I'd have kids...it was a nice talk and all the while I'm trying not to smile because I know something. Thanks dad by the way...you always know the right things to say (he's the one who had to listen to me complain at the age of 20 that I was never going to find a husband...and he'd tell me to be patient...you will sometime...you have plenty of time...and then on my 21st birthday again telling me that I wasn't getting old and I'd find someone soon...I met Jon 2 months later!...again...thanks dad). So anyway...after dinner I went home and Jon still wasn't there...and so I put his little gifts out by the bathroom sink for him...bib and onesies that said "I love my daddy"...and then I decided that I wanted to see the 2 pink lines so I took the home pregnancy test that I had and home...and finally...I got to see what I had longed to see...2 pink lines! Well Jon got home and I had all that sitting on the counter...he went in to take a shower and I just waited outside the door...waiting for him to see his little gifts...and I waited and waited and waited...I thought he'd see them right away...all of a sudden the door flew open and he asked if this was for real...and I said...yep...I lied to you...they called today to confirm it! Oh happy day!

8-8-07 -- 8-8-08

What a year! I was just reflecting on it on my way home. And today I cried. I haven't cried in a least a week or more...but today I did. It all hit me. Last year I was so excited that I was going to have a baby to celebrate my birthday with...our lives were going to change forever...and that scared the crap out of me...but I was happy! Yes...a lot can happen in the course of a year...and our lives have been changed forever. And for the good. I wouldn't change a thing about this past year...it's exactly the way it's suppose to be...even if I don't like it sometimes. Thank you for being on this journey with us...all your love and support and prayers have been so encouraging to us. We put this on the front of Emmalee's stone:

God used this one little girl,
with her special little heart,
to change the world forever!
God is good, all the time!

And I definitely find this statement to be true. Thanks for letting me share this special memory with you...I hope you all have a wonderful 8-8-08!

Tragedy in little ole Nerstrand

Hi all! I'm not going to write much tonight...one because I'm just pooped and two because I don't have too much pressing here to write. But if you live around here (or anywhere in MN) you've likely heard that there was a horrible accident in Nerstrand involving a 6 year old girl and a 3 year old boy. The story is that the 6 year old little girl was upstairs with her 3 year old brother and she found a gun (a pretty big handgun...a 357 if that means anything to anybody...it didn't to me) in a night stand of her mom's boyfriend...they haven't lived here in town very long...I've only seen the little boy once...cute kid...anyway...I guess there were 5 out of 6 live rounds in the gun and the first time she shot it nothing happened...and so she pulled the trigger again and it went off and hit her brother in the back of the head...they did fly him out of here but he later died at the hospital from his wounds....it's just so sad. I feel so bad for the little girl...last night I just kept praying for her that God would just guard her thoughts...guard her heart...guard her sight...just please Lord send someone to GUARD HER!!! From what I've heard they may not have had the greatest family life...some in town I guess had thought about calling child services but no one had...now they feel bad for not doing so. And they were also sending in counselors to be with the first responders because I guess of the nature of the accident and what they saw...if these grown people can't handle it...how do they think this little 6 year old girl will do?! I just pray that God wipes her memory of this and that she will be able to live a normal life. And like Jon says...at least her little brother is in Heaven now...maybe he didn't even know what happened...one minute he's playing upstairs with his sister...the next minute he's playing in Heaven with our Emmalee...I'm sure she's showing him the ropes. Oh wait...what am I saying...she's just a baby! Well who knows...they are together...that's the only sure thing I know...and Jesus is taking good care of them:) So please just continue to keep this family in your prayers...especially this little girl. One side note on this...I have now seen the media in action...they were trying to get any information from any of us that happened to be out and about...it was pretty interesting to watch...they were looking to see if anyone had a picture of this little boy...actually any info at all...but like I said...they were new to town and no one really knew too much about them except for the fact that they were seen around town by themselves...anyway...it's interesting...even if I did have a picture or info...would I really give it out?! But I guess people do...that's how we get the news! And onto the other news from our house...Emmalee's stone is in place! We had everyone come out on Sunday to watch...it was kinda fun watching Jon work the skid loader to place the rock...and then watching the other guys trying to help him get it just right...thank you to our family who came out to help and to be a part of this special moment. I'll post the picture for you all to see...the hole in the top is for her picture...the granite piece still isn't done so I'll put in another picture when it's all complete. Well I think that's all for now...hope some of you were able to catch Steven Curtis Chapman and his family on Good Morning America this morning...it was a nice interview...how their faith is helping them get through losing their little girl...I could relate with some of what they said...very inspiring...but I knew it would be...his songs are amazing...he definitely let's God's Word shine through! Oh...one more thing...I was reading Ryan and Lora's caring pages yesterday (they were the couple we met while at the RM House...she had cancer and had to deliver their baby early so she could start treatments)...anyway...it sounds like the cancer and tumors are gone from her body...she still has a few treatments left and a bone marrow transplant but it all sounds very encouraging! Praise God! God is good all the time! Well...now I think that's all! Hope you all have a great week!







So there it is...pretty huh! When it's completely finished I'll post pictures of all the details on here...so you can actually see what the stone says and all...on the back of the rock we put her Child of Faith poem...it's really nice. Talk to you all later!

Kindness and Truth

Hi all! I won't bore you with a lengthy update today. Not much is new with us...we are keeping busy with work...poor Jon has been working out in this awful heat...the humidity is the worst! But it's summer and we should just enjoy it because the cold will come sooner or later!:) Anyway...we are still doing good...healing all the time. I still have clients who come in who haven't heard or I run into people on the street and again it's that feeling of feeling bad because I have to tell them what happened...and that makes them feel bad. But at least I can get through that with out tearing up! It's such a joy talking about her and how much we love her...and what an amazing little girl we had on our hands:) A little update on my lump....I went back into the doctor today...he said that it was a lot smaller and that it still just feels like a lymph node that was irritated because of the drainage from my acne...he still was not concerned about it...he said that he has one under his throat that he's had for 30 years! And he said mine might not ever go away completely...and that's okay. So...good news there...now I'll stop worrying about it! And some of you have asked about my Emmalee Wagon Garden...and I'm happy to report that it's doing well...here's a couple pictures to prove it:






Aren't they pretty? I just love all the flowers in her wagon! And again I will leave you with a little snippet of what I've gained from my Bible this week....God's truths and promises just coming out to bless me and Jon...showing us that He does love us and that He is with us. Again I am reading about David...I have finished 1 Samuel though and moved on to 2 Samuel. Saul had died and David was talking to the the men of Judah...they told David that it was actually the men of Jabesh Gilead (and really...who does know how to pronounce some of these names in the Bible!) that buried Saul...he was very pleased with these men and wanted to tell them so. In verse 6 he says to them, "And now may the Lord show kindness and truth to you." I just feel like this is what God is doing for us now. He's sending us kindness through other people...by the letters and e-mails you send us...by you asking how we may need help...just by little simple gestures...by my lump not being anything and giving me a total peace of mind about that (and some of you know that I tend to over worry about things!)...etc... And we know that He's sent us His truth already...the truth that we will see Emmalee again...the truth that this world is not the end...and even though we miss her...she's okay and she will be waiting for us! That is an awesome TRUTH! Well that's all for today folks! I hope you have a wonderful week...and I know that I've eluded to it for weeks but Emmalee's stone should be done by next week for sure! Be looking for pictures!

Strengthened

Hi everyone! It's good to talk to you all! Today was a good day as I was working on my little Emmalee's scrapbook. As most of you know, I love to scrapbook and make cards. So there was no question that I was going to do a book for Emma. But this has probably been the hardest book I've done, not because it's sad to do, but because I just want everything to be perfect for her. So far I think it's going okay. And I'm having fun doing it! Anyway...we also went and looked at the stone for Emmalee and made the final decisions on it. So it should be done within the next 2 weeks, I think. This stone is huge, everyone...we went up to the cemetery tonight after we were done and we were like, man...this stone is going to look huge out here...but I like that...something different and something that really stands out. And plus, I figure, her little body didn't take up much room so she deserves to have a big stone on her plot! Well...not too much else new with us. Oh yeah...we finally got her glider for her room...a little late don't you think?!? But it was back ordered and it just finally got here so we went and picked it up on Sunday. It was worth the wait because we really do like it...but poor Emma...if she would have made it she wouldn't have been rocked until now! That's a long time. So, thank goodness her siblings someday won't have to wait...they'll be rocked from the moment they come home from the hospital. Well I'll let you go...I'll just leave you with a little bit I've gained from my Bible this week...it still amazes me that God can still speak to us...it might not be audibly but through His Word you can still hear Him...and it also amazes me that I have read these words before and yet at that time they didn't stand out to me...He really knows what we need when we need it. So here it is:

I have been reading in 1 Samuel and these verses came out of Chapter 30. David had just come back to his camp with his troop only to find that it had been invaded and their women and children and all their stuff had been taken. Well...needless to say his men were very distraught and were mad at David...this is what verse 6 says:

"Now David was greatly distressed, for the people spoke of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and his daughters. But David strengthened himself in the Lord his God."

Did you read that...after all David had gone through, after all, he had lost his two wives too, he chose to strengthen Himself in the Lord. I feel like me and Jon have done that too...we have found this supernatural strength...everyone asks us how we could be doing this well and I keep saying that it's because God has given us this strength to go on. And we turn to Him to keep strengthening us as we go on during these weeks, months, and I'm sure, years. It also goes on to say:

Verse 8
"So David inquired of the Lord, saying, 'Shall I pursue this troop? Shall I overtake them?'
And He answered him, 'Pursue, for you shall surely overtake them and without fail recover all.'"

I don't know...maybe I'm reading too much into this but I just feel like God gave me these verses to say...go ahead, Ali and Jon, have more kids....you will have more and you will be good parents...keep going on this road I have taken you...I know it's hard but you're doing good and you will get through it...you will conquer and you will prevail...and you will be better because of it. So that's what we are going to do. Again...we thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers...it never gets old hearing that...so thank you for telling us. We love you all...have a great week!

Another Week

Hi all! Hope this blog finds you all doing well! We are doing good. Few sad times here for me but doing well. On Sunday we went to church and of course we had to sing the song that brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it now...followed up by It Is Well With My Soul...tears tears tears! The song was Blessed Be The Name...for those of you who don't know the song, these are the lyrics...it's not until the bridge that I really lose it...here they are:

Blessed Be Your Name

In the land that is plentiful

Where Your streams of abundance flow

Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name

When I'm found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's 'all as it should be

'Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there's pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

(here it is folks...tears!)

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

That song followed by the lyrics from It is well with my soul:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot,

Thou has taught me to say,

It is well,

it is well, with my soul.

It is well,

with my soul,

It is well,

with my soul,

It is well,

it is well,

with my soul.

Those are two very meaningful songs for me...it gives me the hope and promise that we will be able to get through this time...even though sometimes it seems so tough. I just wish I had her here to hold. I feel like I am starting to get to the point of being a little jealous of others and I don't want to be that way. I know I just have to be patient and wait for what God has in store for us...but I'm getting a little antsy! :) So please pray for me that I will be able to be patient and that time for me wouldn't seem to be going so slow! I can't believe I'm writing that because just yesterday I said that I couldn't believe we are half way through July...half way through summer! I guess time is going fast (maybe just not fast enough sometimes). Anyway...I'll quit babbling. One more thing...I have been reading Angie Smith's blog...one of you had lead me there...she also lost her daughter in April and it's been kinda nice reading what she is going through and feeling that I am not alone in what I am feeling. She wrote the other day that she just wanted to dig into the dirt and to wrap her daughter in a blanket...I have had those thoughts so many time...I just want to go...dig Emmalee up...wrap her up...and just rock her and hold her tight. I just want her...I want to see her...hold her...kiss her...love on her. And I can't...and I thought those thoughts were almost sick...like why would I want to go and unbury my daughter...but reading her blog made me realize that it was a normal thing to think...that we miss our daughters so much that we just want to be with them...and just sitting in the cemetery is not enough...oh well...it will have to be until I get to heaven and can be with her forever. Until that day I will rely on God and His strength and love to get me through. Well thank you all for letting me share all this with you...it is kinda like therapy for me to be able to write all this down. Have a great week all.

A Time to Reflect

Hi all! I know it's been 2 weeks since I've written but I think Sam did such a good job on the video of Emmalee's service I thought I'd just leave you all with that. It was so good to watch that...we haven't felt like watching the full video yet so to see the clips Sam put together was very good for us. I've just been thinking a lot lately as to why we had to go through this...why we had to lose our baby girl. I don't know if I have totally figured out the answer to that...and who knows...maybe I never will. But God has really been revealing to me that He has asked us to walk down this road. I was reminded by a dear friends mom about the story of Hannah in the Bible (thanks Cathy). Here Hannah wanted a baby so bad that she promised God that if He would just let her have a baby then she would give her baby back to Him. I remember telling God that I would just love the chance to be pregnant....I just wanted to know what that felt like. I know some of you know that Jon and I went through our share of troubles getting pregnant and finally got pregnant through fertility drugs...although it took us a while even using those. So, I think it's such a blessing that I was able to carry Emmalee...I know some of you haven't ever been able to carry your own children but I am also reminded that God will give us our children in different ways and that each way is a blessing. So back to Hannah. She was given her child and his name was Samuel and she did give him back to God. She took him down to the priest and presented him to God for God's service. We were able to have Emmalee...and believe me...there were plenty of days and nights where I didn't think we were going to be able to have children...sometimes it seemed like an impossible thing...even thinking about adoption seemed impossible to me. But I knew that God knew the desires of our hearts and that some way He would give us a child to love and we prayed that God would give us children and that they would come to know Him at an early age. Well as we all know, God did give us the desire of our heart with little Emmalee's life. Oh, I can't even tell you how fast I fell in love with that little girl. I thought I loved her the whole time she was in my tummy but when I first saw her, I melted. I'm sure all of you have felt the same way. I was even talking to a guy who has adopted his children. He said from the moment his kids were put into his arms, he loved them. I think that is so awesome that God gives us the capacity to love someone that much. I think how great is His love for us that we should be called sons and daughters of Him! And as we all know as well, God asked us to give Emmalee over to His service. He decided to use her little life to bring glory to Him...to tell others about Him. Some of you reading this may not know Him like I do and I pray that someday you will. He uses us all differently...He used Hannah's son Samuel to be a prophet to the people...God actually talked audibly to Samuel...can you even imagine? Hearing God's voice loud and clear! Wow...I can't imagine that. He's done more with little Emma's life than He's done with mine...sometimes He uses us for a very short time...others of us it takes our whole life to accomplish His purposes. And for those of us who have to give up our children He gives us hope that we will see them again and He helps us with our grieving. He is good...all the time. And this is the part that I love about the story of Hannah...it says in 1 Samuel 2:20-21

"And Eli would bless Elkanah and his wife, and say, 'The Lord give you descendants from this woman for the loan that was given to the Lord.' Then they would go to their own home. And the Lord visited Hannah, so that she conceived and bore three sons and two daughters. Meanwhile the child Samuel grew before the Lord."

Pretty neat huh! Because of their sacrifice they were rewarded greatly. Thinking back to our last moments with Emma, I remember saying as they were turning off her machine, "Lord, here's our daughter. We give her to you." or something like that...I can't quite remember...it's a little fuzzy for me...maybe I didn't even say it but I do remember thinking it. It was like I was saying...thank you for letting me have her for a little while...for letting me get to know her...I don't know why you need her back but here she is...she is yours Lord. I was also reminded of a quote my mom gave me when we were still trying to get pregnant...I thought it had significant meaning back then but it has even more meaning to me now...it came out of her Beth Moore Bible Study...it goes like this:

"A plan of profound importance exists that sometimes overrides the miracle we desperately desire."

I thought this was so true of our experience. We wanted so much for the miracle to be that Emmalee got to be healed here on earth...I didn't realize her miracle would be her complete healing in Heaven. I can't wait to see the plan played out! Take care all...I will talk to you all later!

P.S. I sent out the DVD's of Emmalee's service to all of you that asked for them...if you don't get it by next week e-mail me again...it probably means I forgot to send you your copy! And if anyone else still wants one I do have more copies...just let me know.

Oh...and for all of you who were wondering about my little lump...I did start on the antibiotics yesterday...I had to make sure that I wasn't pregnant (I didn't think I would be but they just want you to be sure...surprise, surprise...I wasn't) and so far today the lump already seems a lot smaller...Jon even thinks it's close to gone...so maybe the doctor was right and it was just hard from all the acne on my face...and the acne seems to be going away already too...yea! So...I'll keep you posted but all looks good for now!

Emmalee's Funeral

Emmalees Funeral from Ali and Jon Feldman on Vimeo.

A Little Scare

Hi everyone! It's Wednesday so that means it's time for an update from the Feldman's. We are doing good. This week has been a little easier...that's what time is for I guess. Although I do have to tell you that yesterday and today I had a little bit of a scare. When I was driving home last night I was rubbing the front of my chin and throat and felt a hard bump/lump under my chin towards my throat. So immediately my thoughts ran wild...have I ever felt this before...is this a part of my throat...could this really be? I think I'm a little hyper sensitive because as some of you may know my grandpa had tongue cancer and died from it and my cousin also had tongue cancer....thankfully they were able to catch hers in time and she's doing good. But I have always checked myself thoroughly because I saw what they both went through and I don't want to go through it...even though they say it's not genetic...just a fluke that two people in my family got it. So anyway...after not sleeping great I called the clinic in town to see if the ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat) doctor would have an appointment today. Well he's only in on Wednesdays and he just happen to have an opening at 1:15. So in I went. He checked me over and felt the lump. He suspects that it's a hard lymph node and that it could be caused by drainage from all the acne I have gotten from being pregnant (one of the pleasant side effects of hormones! ha!) so he put me on some acne medicine and I have to take that for a month and see if the lump disappears. He didn't seem concerned about it and said that it wasn't acting like a cyst because it didn't move around when I swallowed. So for now I'm feeling good about it...it did scare me though. I asked him if he was worried about it...he said no...but just keep an eye on it. So I'll try the medicine. I think I was a little tense because when I went to go get my meds at the drug store one of the ladies that works there asked how my baby was...and I felt like I almost lost it. The tears started coming and I was trying to push them away as I told her that she passed away. She felt so bad and I felt bad that I couldn't stop crying...I know that makes people feel even worse...but the two that were working there assured me that it was okay that I was crying...they were getting tears as well...the one gentleman then talked a little with me....wanting to know what happened...I got through that okay. So...I think I've just been a little emotional today:) All this made me start thinking about what our pastor said at Emmalee's funeral. He said something to this effect: I'm sure you were looking forward to introducing Emmalee to Jesus someday. To tell her all about him and help her grow up to love and serve Him. But now Emmalee will get to introduce you to Jesus! How cool is it that my little girl is with Jesus right now! She is in His presence at all times and she is so well loved up there. He loves her more that I can even imagine...He love us all more than I can even imagine. So as I had this little scare today I just tried to give it all to Him, knowing that He is in control of everything in my life and He has the best plans. Of course I was hoping that His plan for me was to not have to go and have something be wrong with me but if it was or is He will take care of me. And I'm still hoping that His plan for Jon and I is that we will be able to have many more children to love and hug and be able to introduce them to Jesus and tell them all about their older sister Emmalee. So for now I'm not going to worry about my little bump and I am just going to keep praying that this medicine takes care of it (and hey...at least it will help get rid of all this acne!)....so if you want to you can also pray that my little bump is nothing as well....thanks!

Someone asked about seeing Emmalee's headstone...we don't have it done yet...it's still a work in progress...but we do have a butterfly marker (my mom and dad made it for her and put all her information on it) and some flowers out on her grave so here are a couple of pictures of that. Also, we are working on getting copies of Emmalee's service made for those of you who wanted it...if anyone else is interested let me know.

It's Hard!

Hi Friends! Those are my 2 words for now. It's hard...it's real hard. The hurt is still there...it's real and sometimes I wish it would just go away. Being back to work has been good. It keeps my mind off of losing Emmalee, for the most part. Of course every client has to ask about her but that's okay...I really do like talking about her. And I do really well talking about her...I don't tend to get emotional (which I think surprised people...I hope none of you think I'm emotionless...I just tend to get more emotional when I'm by myself or when it's just Jon and I)...and I actually enjoy telling people how great she was. She was so cute...so precious...such a little fighter. She wasn't a fussy baby...very calm and content...and she had a lot to complain about! Oh how I love her! And it's so hard not being able to hold her...not being able to see her...to kiss that sweet face. As I sit here with tears in my eyes I just would love to take her in my arms and never let her go. Jon has had some rough days...it's just busy at work (which is such a blessing especially in this economy) and I think he feels a little overwhelmed sometimes (and he's still hurting from losing Emmalee)...and then he gets crabby (sorry Jon...spilling all your secrets)...I was just feeling tonight that it just isn't fair. The one thing that could cheer Jon up is not here. God took her from us! And that's not fair of me to say that either. We know God is good...he has plans for us and yet I still don't understand sometimes. Ahhh...but God is faithful and His ways are good. I need to tell myself that when I am in the midst of this darkness....it's not a good place to be...it's where the devil lives and he loves to see us doubting God. The Bible tells us that the devil is the father of lies...he has the power to put these icky thoughts into my head and I need to be wise and tell him that he has no place here. Now this is not to say that Jon and I can't be sad...'cause God knows that we will be sad...and we'll probably be sad for a very long time. I believe there will always be a little hole in my heart that will never be filled again...I will always miss Emmalee...my beautiful baby. I asked my sister-in-law how you can even love the children that come after the first ones...she told me that it does seem impossible but it does happen...which is good to know...and I think deep down I already knew that to be true. That little Emmalee, though, she captured our hearts...little stinker. We just thank God that we were able to have Emma for 13 days...to get to know her and love on her. He is good...all the time...even in the midst of our hurt. There have been so many songs that have had such meaning to us lately...we were going up to church and another song came on the radio and I looked at Jon and said, "Well doesn't that song have a whole new meaning to us now." And then I was on Steven Curtis Chapman's website later and the guy who's writing a blog for him said this: I’ve heard from many of you that you shared Steven’s songs that morning and found that an odd thing happened. That Steven’s songs were ministering to you and your audience... In the midst of Steven’s loss. How can you explain that? As my friend Frank Reed said... “only God.” It is the very thing that makes our format so incredible... Because when songs are crafted from and based in God’s word and His truth, they can do miraculous things. It's so true...God uses those songs to minister to us all at different times in our live. I'm just grateful that there are those individuals who are obedient to God to write down the words that He has given to them. It amazes me the different talents that God gives each one of us. I might in the coming weeks post some lyrics that have had an impact on us throughout this whole ordeal...don't hold me too it but I think I will...so you all can be blessed as well. Well I will quite babbling now...thank you for letting me share my heart with you. I'm so glad I can just be me with all of you....you'll love me in my sad times and love me in my happy times...thank you!

Here's a few pictures for you:

Here is Emmalee's tree from my mom's side of the family. We planted it at the farm so that everyone could enjoy it! (sorry...I couldn't figure out how to rotate this picture...I guess it's getting too late tonight!)

Here's Jon's pretty truck! Knecht's (here in Northfield) gave us a memorial tree for Emmalee...it's the pink one in the truck...so pretty! And then we got a little tree for right outside Maralee's door in her little garden. I told my mom when she thinks she has finally settled into a house she's going to be in for a while I'll get her a tree too!

Jon and Matt planting Maralee's tree...isn't it cute (the tree I mean!).

Some had suggested I do a memorial garden for Emmalee. Well...I'm not really a gardener so when I saw this wagon I had this idea to plant some flowers in it...I think it turned out pretty cute! So each year I'm going to plant Emmalee's garden in the wagon. I should also note...I said I am not a gardener...which is true...but I did actually enjoy putting this garden together...who knew! I might have found a new hobby!

A little dragonfly I found at Menards...I just wrote "Emmalee's Garden" on his wings...he was just too cute to leave at the store

And here's our memorial tree from Knecht's...we were selfish and planted it at our house for us to enjoy!